According to my 2015 journal, it looks like I took approximately 6 doses of Prozac before the suicidal thoughts got bad enough to discontinue it. However, dose #3 is going better than dose #2 of the Bupropion. I thought I started to feel a slight tingling in my lips a couple of hours after taking it, and I was like oh no, not again! But I’ve been fine ever since. Just a funny feeling in my mouth at times, slight weakness in my upper legs, and a bit of fatigue even though I got caught up on sleep. If this is as bad as it gets and will actually work without the suicidal thoughts it can cause, then great. I would take it for the rest of my life if it would stop me from feeling so bad emotionally. Depression and especially anxiety, are the absolute worst things on earth! I used to believe that emotional suffering would be better than physical suffering figuring that it’s just a feeling. Wrong! Dead wrong. I would take a world of pain every day any day over the emotional suffering I’ve done! Really, I would take it without shame for I’m unapologetically too selfish to give a shit what others think.

Even my body temperature seems a little better today and more regulated. Yesterday I kept going from cold to hot and back and forth. I wasn’t kidding when I said I missed the old me. Not the naive smoker with asthma, but the one who didn’t always feel too cold or too hot, wasn’t anxious in the way I have been these last several years, didn’t need glasses, was in control of her weight, more flexible, skin not so dry, no gray hairs, no TMJ, and didn’t have the kinds of concerns she has now. Things that were no big deal back then are so much harder on me now.

We went for a walk before Tom took a nap which he’s doing now. Amazing how he can sleep through traffic. It’s dying down a bit now but in the 15 minutes we went walking, there were at least three planes that I remember tearing overhead.

I don’t think we did, but between his runs that he had this morning and my tingling, he wondered if we got the virus. More than likely, his runs were due to lack of sleep and my tingling was the new medication.

My mood is a little better today and being caught up on sleep helps with that, too. The question is how I’m going to feel after 8 p.m. which will be the middle of my day. I was definitely anxious during the last half of my day yesterday, getting stabbed with the usual waves of adrenaline in the center of my chest.

Andy’s been doing a better job of sending me pics I like and I’ve been doing the same with him. We share a combination of funny memes and nature and animal pics.

Although they have until the 24th, I worry that the SPCA is going to blow us off.

Had some really weird dreams last night and I mean really weird. Weird is definitely better than bad, though. I guess I was pregnant in one of the dreams and close to my due date. Because I was a high-risk pregnancy, I had to stay at this hospital where each woman had their own cubicle. Actually, it started off more like a room with the wall missing where the door would be.

The doctor was telling me she didn’t recommend me delivering the baby in a certain way, whatever that way was. I knew I had a couple of other options and it hit me that I was still unprepared and didn’t know anything about how to care for it.

Then the dream changed, and I might not have been pregnant anymore or in a maternity ward. A black guy in the cubicle across from me called me and asked that I not use a certain device at night anymore because the light shooting straight off the back of it would keep him awake because it went from the opening of my cubicle into his. So I asked him what time he went to bed and he started to tell me not to worry about that but I asked again anyway and he told me 8. I told him I would be careful after that time with what I used.

There was a small window in the back wall of my room and I got out of bed and peered through it. There was a very ill person in that room that I seemed to know. I wondered if they were back yet from going out somewhere, so I went and checked and saw a nun sitting on the side of the bed. She had a sad and thoughtful expression on her face. Then I saw the silhouette of the woman lying in bed in the darkened room

In another dream, my ENT was hugging me fiercely and then telling someone I made her a gorgeous bracelet in a car that she was driving.