Ugh! No more splitting entries into private and public posts in the same book/account. Way too much of a pain in the ass that way. Much easier being all or nothing where that’s concerned. So back to private stuff in private books and accounts, and public stuff in public books and accounts.

Had some very interesting dreams, one of which makes me wonder if something’s wrong with Nane, but first, damn was that good! He downloaded the McDonald’s app on his phone and we placed our order online. This way we didn’t have to go into the place or deal with drive-thrus where you can barely make out what they’re saying or they have trouble understanding us.

Once we got close to McDonald’s, the app detected we were close and asked if we wanted to pick it up ourselves or have it brought out to us. We chose the curbside option and then I punched in the number of the parking spot we were in.

I got a plain cheeseburger with just ketchup, small fries, Diet Coke, and a hot fudge sundae. Damn were they good even if the fries were a bit salty! I’d been craving something different and since it’s been months since we had fast food, we decided why not!

After I ate, I went out with the magnetic duster and dusted the inside of the car since it was getting kind of dusty in there.

I had mild and brief anxiety yesterday. It started coming on this morning but after getting out and having a cup of black cohosh tea, it backed off. I wonder if either of these things had anything to do with it. I’m sure it will be back, though. My day is still young. Incredibly enough, though, as much as I don’t like it and I never will, I think I’m slowly starting to get used to it. I think that each year that I have it, I’ll get a little more used to it being a way of life just like excessive noise. I don’t like it but it becomes all you know after a while. I know I’ve had a hard time accepting that it will likely be with me for the rest of my life even if no one else thinks so but I think I’m finally getting there. I think it’s finally hitting me that yes, I really am going to struggle with anxiety for the rest of my life. It really has become the new me, the older me. It’s untreatable and unavoidable so the best thing I can do is learn to live with it just like I’ve had to do with other things. Just gotta remind myself that it’s just a feeling and it can’t kill me.

Went out to water the cosmos. I don’t see anything sprouting yet but it’s probably too soon. Very windy out there today. Had to be careful not to get too close to the dividing retainer wall, not that my balance has gotten that bad. It’s when I stand next to it, though, that I realize just how much higher we are than Virginia’s place. Like 4 or 5 feet higher. If I fell over the wall, I may very well get hurt.

I know most people wouldn’t agree with this but for whatever it’s worth, I don’t feel any guilt or shame over the fact that I prefer to avoid the mentally ill. No, they can’t help the way they are and I do feel bad for them but that doesn’t mean I should be obligated to associate with any kind of person that puts me at risk of if not actual harm then at least all kinds of headaches. People are picky and choosy about who they have for friends and relationships and that’s OKAY. It’s okay to be discriminative! It’s okay to decide you don’t want someone because they’re not into religion or because they’re slobs or for whatever reason.

So why can’t it be okay to want to avoid the mentally ill? What I’m saying is that I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing that we have things we tend to like and dislike in other people. I think that’s just human nature to have things we’re drawn to versus things that make us uncomfortable. So what if someone doesn’t like me because I’m short or getting old? That’s okay. There are plenty of other people who don’t mind these things. Better to be around those who accept us as we are than forced to be around people we don’t want to be around.

There are three dreams I remember from last night. The first one only lasted a second. I was picking up the pigs from wherever (they’re still not listed online) and Blitz had grown even more. He was a big boy but in the dream, he had to be close to 10 lb.

Then Tom and I were visiting Old Colony Beach where my family used to go every summer when I was a kid and I was pointing out how it was sad but nice that there were many people on the beach.

Then I spotted some of my mother’s old friends who had cottages near us, one of them being Natalie. First I thought she was this woman that was lying on a blanket on her stomach, propped up on her elbows. When I called out to her, she simply ignored me, never even looking in my direction. But then I spotted Natalie sitting in one of the beach chairs. She looked incredibly old and barely recognizable and didn’t seem to know who I was.

With my track record for dream premonitions and already having dreams pertaining to Nane’s health in the past that came true, I wonder if something is seriously wrong with her lungs or something like that. I just don’t think she’ll be growing all that old. She’s 60 now. For a brief second, I considered warning her through Christiane but then decided against it for two reasons. First, it wouldn’t change anything. Secondly, I tried to move on after I blew off steam at her for being so judgmental but she chose not to, and I’m not about to bother with those that don’t care about me. I don’t hate her and I don’t want her to suffer, but I’m not going to lower myself ever again to try to get someone to change their mind about being friends with me.

In the dream, I ran into Nane somewhere and she told me she had some treatment done for her lungs but I knew it wasn’t any kind of chemo. It was some other treatment that my dream self had heard of and knew to be serious. She said it was the last treatment and as far as what was going to happen next, she didn’t even want to go there.

There was more to the dream but I don’t remember it. Let’s just say I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if Nane was experiencing health issues right now.

I don’t know, maybe I will mention it to Christiane.