As expected, the anxiety is back. Knew it would be, but hey, I just have to learn to live with it and accept that yes, it really is a life sentence for some of us. Particularly those of us that can’t handle the side effects of medications. And yes, someday it really will become a way of life and I’ll get used to it. I just have to believe and have faith in myself as shitty as this feeling is. It will make the calmer times even more special, and I’ll just have to enjoy those times when I can. I just hope I’m not in for another two-month spell! That was damn long. Two minutes is too long but two months is a real killer.

I don’t know, it still seems a bit extreme and a bit late for it to be mostly hormonal. Won’t know for sure for another year or two. Once I get to that point, if I still have it, I can rule out both hormones and possible negative energy dwelling in this place. I still get the feeling it’s tied into the med. I just don’t know how. I didn’t just become this way. There is a reason.

For now, I’m still drinking the tea and doing the tapping and whatever else I can think of that helps. Being on nights definitely doesn’t help but in a few days, my schedule should shift forward enough. It always seems worse when I’m getting up between 2:00 PM and 8:00 PM.

Right now I’m a lot more worried for Aly. Pretty sure she’s in the hospital right now. She wasn’t improving and was having all kinds of horrible symptoms like leg swelling, acid reflux, and other things. So she went to the ER and I guess they admitted her. She sent a quick message saying something about a UTI, possible ovarian tumor, and low white blood cells. She wasn’t exactly sure how they were going to treat her, but I guess they were going to start with a blood transfusion. She said that every 5 to 7 years she gets really sick with something. I remember when she had that really nasty skin infection that had her laid up in the hospital for a month, and before that she had breast cancer to deal with.

Meanwhile, I’m sure Kim is still as healthy as can be and her worse problem is having to do chores and not being able to obsessively bombard someone like June with a shitload of messages.

What I didn’t tell her, although I know I’ve mentioned it before either directly to her or in my journals, was that I have one long-term problem after another that lasts an average of 4 to 7 years with only a year or two off in between. The thing is that if the anxiety never stops, then does that mean nothing can replace it? Too bad if that’s the case because anything would be better than being anxious so much of the time. I know that there is the stress of my upcoming doctor’s appointment, waiting on the vaccine, getting out of here and all that, but none of what’s going on should have me feeling this way. I still say it’s medical somehow. Life itself may influence it to a degree but I think it stems from something going on inside me, I just don’t know if it’s the med, hormones, something else, multiple things, etc.

Another thing that doesn’t help is just living here. Simply being here is hard so much of the time. They woke me up twice today. First it was a vehicle and then, just as I was knocking back off, I swear this vibrating/thumping sound woke me up that made me think of a low-flying helicopter and its rotors but Tom said he didn’t remember hearing helicopters at that time. It was probably them working on the fucking house. I swear they’re never gonna finish the fucking thing! He said they were noisy in the morning and that Geri’s mutt seems to have some kind of routine.

If we end up in a park, I really hope to hell it’s a petless one that doesn’t allow motorcycles and that we’re further away from what’s a much quieter and less traveled street! I’m sure we won’t have a water view and that all we’ll see are streets and other houses as usual, and while a pretty view would be nice, sound and being able to sleep is more important. I’m tired of being woken up and I’m tired of the distractions when I am awake. At night, I want to turn the sound machines and air cleaners off to give my ears a break yet I can’t because of the constant roar of the freeway and small planes and helicopters buzzing about.

Decided to try looking for books on Goodreads. Maybe I’ll find more set in the US that way.

Dyed my hair but I don’t see the violet in either the model on the box or on my head right now. It looks more like a deep dark ruby red, but I actually like it. I think it came out great. I was worried at first because it seemed way too bright when I was putting it on. I’ve always hated fiery red hair or carrot-colored hair that has orange in it. Anyway, I tried taking pictures but it looked a different color every single time despite the angle and lighting in the room, none of which reflected an accurate image of what it actually is, LOL.

It took me over a month, but I finished the diamond painting of the dark-haired girl with the red flowers. Now I’m starting the Dreamcatcher. This one won’t take nearly as long because it’s smaller and it’s not a full drill.

Had a dream we were in a hotel. He was out somewhere and I was in the room by myself when this couple accidentally started to enter and I told them they had the wrong room. It didn’t seem like it was an outside room, though. It was like the couple stood in a hallway. I didn’t seem distressed either, as I was in most of the many hotel-related dreams I had after our nearly 9-month experience when we first came to Cali.