At the end of my day yesterday, his stomach and my anxiety suddenly improved. I was so relieved to be feeling better that I went from wishing I could go to sleep and never wake up to not wanting to go to bed so I could enjoy feeling better which is becoming a rare occurrence these days, unfortunately.

When I did fall asleep, fucking traffic woke me up just three hours later and I had trouble falling back asleep. When I finally did over an hour later, I slept for a couple more hours and then a ferociously loud boom of thunder woke me up. Like the kind you’d hear in Arizona. A very rare occurrence here. Yet it rained and thundered like a monsoon storm. Lost power for a second as well.

So after five hours of sleep, I’ve been tired. I lay in the dark with my eyes closed for a while and that seemed to help energize me enough to do some cooking for him, take a shower, return messages, and even do the Epley Maneuver. I’ll get into that in a minute.

Haven’t heard back from Doc A yet but I’ve decided to skip what would have been my 5th dose because I just don’t think the face and lip-tingling were good. I can see constipation, dry mouth, and a little bit of insomnia as being normal and acceptable side effects but not the tingling I was having. Damn, do I miss the days when I could take medications with little more than just some jitteriness or insomnia! Now I get all kinds of horrible side effects.

Anyway, I finally decided to do some research and found that Bupropion is really Wellbutrin. I forget that they have their brand names. Like how Levothyroxine is Synthroid, and Lorazepam is Ativan. When I found out what it was, I immediately remembered Marie and how she told me she had to pull back and recharge for a while because the stuff made her very angry and she cried a lot. She also said something about a DNA test that showed she shouldn’t be given that, whatever that meant. Not going to contact her even if she unblocks me because I’ve definitely learned my lesson as far as people go that I thought changed due to wishful thinking or that insist they’re “not like that” anymore.

I didn’t mind being stuck for those two days I was stuck, and I loved how it lessened my appetite and started to knock some weight off of me but it’s definitely not worth the tingling, especially since I don’t know if it could get worse and become dangerous at any point or not.

I also began to have doubts as to whether or not it would really help me after the two weeks were up because yesterday I was pretty agitated and even more anxious. Agitation is listed as another side effect, though.

Other than frustrating memory issues which I worry are just as frustrating for others as they are for me, I’m feeling better today. So far. I wouldn’t be surprised if by midnight I was feeling like shit again.

It’s a long shot but I may be onto something else. Well, I’ve had BPPV for a while now when I move my head in certain directions. That thing where your ear crystals get out of place and cause a few seconds of vertigo when your head is in certain positions. So I Googled to see if there could be a connection to anxiety and it seems that yes, there could be. So following a video on YouTube, I went through the Epley Maneuver that I did a while back which worked for me, and it’s already fixed my vertigo. They recommend doing it twice a day until you’ve gone three consecutive days without vertigo. So I’ll do it again at the end of my day. It will be interesting to see if my anxiety happens to back off at the same time. However, I really do still feel pretty hopeless in general and like this is an untreatable life sentence. I don’t know if there’s something up there that hates me enough not to want anything to help me or if it’s just random chance but that’s just how I feel. I feel like I’m going to have to either learn to live with it and enjoy the good moments or kill myself, and if I opt for the latter, I definitely don’t want to do that until I’ve had a chance to enjoy Florida for a while.

I don’t remember exactly what it was about but when traffic woke me up, it seems like I was having a negative dream that may have been connected to medication. That’s no surprise, though. Then I had some dream about a cab driver stalking me.

I reached for the sleep mask after being woken up, but it said it was pairing. I fucking hate it when things come unpaired!

Doc A just replied saying to please give it some more time for the symptoms to go away, maybe 1 or 2 weeks.

Okay, tomorrow I guess I’ll proceed with dose #5 and lose more weight while hoping for the best! At least it’s out of my system in 24 hours and not months.