Andy’s calling people while I play the tapes of Fran and other people.

Soon, I am going to try to go to sleep. I just listened to music a little while ago. Now as I lay here, quietly thinking to myself I realize a few things. The bulk of my life I’d never want to relive. However, there are a few things I miss. I really miss Nervous. Not entirely, though. Most of the time he was a sick major fucking asshole. Back when he was obsessed with me, it was a major embarrassment. Back then I didn’t know a lot of things I know now. It’s one of those cases where you say to yourself, if I only knew then what I know now. I also never had 3-way calling then or knew that it even existed. If I could do certain parts of the time when Nervous was so obsessed with me, I’d do it in a heartbeat.

Both Kim and Mark came over earlier. I had coffee for Mark and then I showed both of them my stuff from Tammy. I showed them how I put my place back together again. Even if I was gonna move on Jan. 2nd, I never should’ve taken down all my stuff. It was so bare and depressing. So empty and boring despite how beautiful this place is. Cassandra won’t recognize it. She called today to reschedule for 6:00 Monday evening and I told her I put my stuff back. It took me a few hours to do it but it was worth it and it gave me something to do. I rearranged certain things differently this time. It all looks awesome.

Monday I also have to go to fuel assistance, but I forgot what time so I’ll have to call them early in the morning. What an idiot I am for not writing it down. I usually write it down, and if I don’t, I still at least remember the date and time.

I also have to call Tracy about the $40 fee. Tammy cannot help me with that now and I refuse to pay. I was not only led on to believe I’d get my tapes back. I was also led to believe the fee would be waived. Plus, I think they owe me that much after the way they overstepped their boundaries. They’ve screwed up more than I’ve screwed up.

On the 5th I go to see my probation officer. On the 6th for that lactose tolerance test. Believe me, I’m anxious to get that done. On the 9th I go to Dr. Leitch who should have the test results by then. With my luck, the test will be negative and I’ll be so fucking bloated just because and there’ll be nothing I can do about it. No. I’m sure the test will be positive.

I really have to get some sleep now and my hand is killing me!

Later...

Instead of waking up at 10:30, I got up at 1:00. That’s not bad, though.

I haven’t spoken to Kim yet today, but I did speak to Tammy and Fran. I’m playing the edit tape Tammy had right now. I’ve also watched some videos they lent me.

God, as much as I’m going to dread giving up this apartment, I really want to hurry up and move. Cuz of my phone bill along with all the other bills. I shouldn’t have lived it up so soon on the phone. I also never assumed Ma would back out. That’s people for you, though. That’s life too, whether or not they have a legit excuse.

I know I’ll never have anything going for me. At least not anything spectacular. First best and anything else that really matters to me. However, I sure would love to have extra money after I pay for the things I need.

I saw part of those projects and they’re absolutely nothing like the crack houses in Springfield. I’ll have family, buses and a little more of a life even though I know I’ll never have the life I really want. I know my whole life will revolve around second best and I may be bored and bummed out a lot. Feeling cheated and wondering what my purpose in life is. Wondering how I could’ve believed all those years that I knew my destiny. Figured I’d be connected with the right people somehow somewhere. I’ll never know why God took away what was and should’ve been meant to be. Is it a punishment or is it protection? Why did he give me a voice? Why am I so cut out for that type of life and career?

Why am I never allowed to have sex with a person I’m sexually attracted to? I am, however ready to accept a life of complete celibacy. 10% of the time I’ll be unhappy with that, but what can I do? However fair or unfair or due to a curse, I can’t change what’s meant to be or not meant to be. Thinking positively or negatively will never bring me these things if God feels I shouldn’t have them. I only know he’s got his reasons and maybe I’ll never know why. I’ll never have any answers anymore and have pretty much quit trying to figure things out. I’ve learned that from experience. There have been too many things I thought I knew the answers to and why. I thought I knew that certain things were meant to happen and would happen. Instead, I learned the hard way never to count on it until it does or doesn’t happen. The longer I go without trying, the easier it gets not to try. Especially now that I’ve learned a positive, confident attitude isn’t guaranteed to get me anywhere. And then when it comes to music or sex, it’ll get me nowhere. It pisses me off but at least it’s becoming easier to handle with time. You accept it and expect it no matter what mood you’re in.