Well, Chanukah began at sundown this evening. Dad called and we really had a very nice talk. We discussed my visit to Tammy’s and the time with the girls I spent. We also discussed my move whenever the hell that happens. Lastly, I asked him to guess how long my hair is. First, he said down to the floor. Then he said to the crack of my ass, so I told him it’d be there with 3 more inches.

I hope I’m not up all night. Bob’s gonna give me a wake-up call at 9:00. That’s when fuel assistance opens. I’ve got to find out the time of my appointment. I’ll have to put up with Bob’s mouth which is a zillion times worse than mine along with his problems, but it’s worth the ride. When Kim can’t get me to any of my appointments, Bob’s the backup driver. Even Kim’s fed up with him even though he is a very nice guy. Bob reminds me of 3 people. Nervous, Fran and Hank. Mainly Hank, and Nervioso, though.

Speaking of Fran, I spoke to him earlier.

I’m sure glad Dad called. I was becoming really bummed out, then he got me all cheered up.

Kim was in a foul mood too, and I got her all cheered up which she was grateful for. She thanked me. Of course, Kim’s foul moods are a joke compared to mine.

However, as far as bad moods go, I really shouldn’t knock myself as hard as I used to. About that I mean, as with time, I’m really handling my moods better and better. It gets easier and easier to keep from panicking the way I used to. That’s what I mean when I say I’ve got so many things to be grateful for and feel lucky and proud about as well as cursed.

Later...

In half an hour from now, Bob and Sandra are gonna be picking me up. They’re gonna take me to fuel assistance. My appointment isn’t till 4:30. After that, I’ve got to run into a store for milk, soda and some munchies. I’d get cigarettes and cat food, too, but I haven’t withdrawn any cash yet. Shadow still has some dry food, but he’s not really into that. He prefers canned food.

I hope Mom and Dad send me some cash.

I left a message for Tracy regarding the $40 fee. I have yet to hear from her.

I went downstairs to pay my rent and Peter says he’ll put the people who are interested in my place on hold. I explained to Peter how I need to wait for a subsidized apartment.

Bob says he has a 1992 calendar for me. That’s nice of him and helps a lot.

I’ve got to be back by 6:00 cuz that’s when Cassandra will be here. She sure will get a different view of the place since I’ve set it all back up. The way I’ve decorated it looks great. Some things are decorated the same as before. A couple of walls have been totally rearranged. I’m happy with the results.

Well, I have my bank statement ready and also a paper with information that Peter filled out. Believe me, this extra help from fuel assistance will go a long way. It’s been a very, very desperate situation lately.

Later...

Bob and Sandra came to pick me up at 4:00 and by a quarter after we got to Federal St. in Greenfield. As we pulled up, there was this cop I didn’t recognize having this woman take sobriety test steps. Then, as I got out of the car, there was Mark. He says, “Hi Jodi,” sort of shocked. He knew I was going to be going to fuel assistance and I called next door at 3:00. He was just about ready to jump in the shower. I’m simply not used to bumping into him or Kim anywhere other than right here in town. I really like Mark and I can see myself easily attracted to him if I was into guys. Of course, it’d be the same curse as I said it’d be either way. Gay or straight. The guy’s married. Everyone I’ve been or could be interested in will be unavailable for a variety of different reasons. Like I told Cassandra earlier, there’s no “bad luck” or “lousy coincidence.” Pointless to be either negative or positive. It’s all a matter of meant to be or not meant to be. Cassandra agrees with me. Yes, there’s a reason for everything. I’m just not always able to match a reason or explanation to everything in my life, good or bad. One thing is certain and I told Cassandra about it. I know I’ll never have love, but I’ll never again put up with abuse.

In two days I’m gonna be 26 and I was never even supposed to make it to my 16th b-day. So once again, I think of horrible things that I’ve gone through in the past. I think of all the things I really really want, know I’ll never have them, and remain grateful. Try to say, “Well alright. It wasn’t fair. I didn’t deserve this or that yet I’m one lucky dog.” I at least have a beautiful place to live. Clothes, jewelry and things to play with. I’m fairly decent-looking, in shape, and muscular. I’m not at Valleyhead. I guess that’s better than nothing or being homeless, crippled or like Fran. Yes, I know I’ll never have sex with someone I’m attracted to. I know I’ll never be a singer. It hurts and it’s hard to accept but I guess I could be worse off. It’s not fair but maybe I should settle a little more and not be so picky. The only thing I know I’ll never settle for is going to bed with someone who doesn’t turn me on. Even Cassandra could see that I’m quite at peace with myself about some issues. She could see that I’m not happy about the fact that I’ve never been to bed with someone who turns me on and never will. But she could see that I’m happy about being single and am glad that I want nothing more than sex. God, if I wanted the works, I’d really be in trouble. I used to though. People change like she said. Certain desires will never change for me. Like with wanting to be a singer. Others have.

I’ll write about fuel assistance later. I’m going to go and watch some of those videos. Tammy and Bill have a lot of awesome movies. Also, I sang earlier and it was ok. I had slacked off on my exercises for a while so it got tight. Now it’s more open and vibrant. Again, it’s just like with trying to shape up your whole body. It takes a long time to get there, but once you do it’s easier to maintain.