Right now I am in such a shitty-ass mood. I just got done yelling at of Shadow. God, am I sick of his shit, destruction, and always having to babysit that fucking cat.

I am so lonely and bored. Why oh, why did I listen to and believe Kim’s bullshit? You’d think someone like me shouldn’t fall for a trap like that. Why did I believe her or ever rely on her? Why did I up and move away with someone even if I felt comfortable as I do? Never again will I believe or trust anyone. All these things she promised we’d do. Forget about the ear operation. I don’t know who I’m more pissed off at. Her or me. How do other people get other people who promise certain things to follow through with them? I’m not saying I’m the only one who’s had to deal with people who never put their actions where their mouths are, but that’s all I get. I don’t know whether to blame myself or not, even though it’d sure be easier. Why is it that all I get as friends or sex partners are people who aren’t always bad, but aren’t as good as I thought they’d be? What did I do? Where did I go wrong? Is it me? Is it life? Am I surely 100% cursed?

As time passes, experiences with life and people only make me more and more doubtful. More negative and less motivated to pursue music and find a one-nighter. Also, reality and God’s plan are making me feel more and more hopeless. Life’s a complete waste of time. There’s no place or purpose for me in this life.

I sang like shit today and there’s also the never-ending reality that there’s no way off the cigarettes. It’s ruined my life and it’ll continue to ruin that as well as my singing up to my full vocal potential. The congestion will just fill up and up till I choke and die. Personally, I don’t give a shit and want to die more and more, and if the asthma doesn’t kill me soon, I will. I cannot live like this.

I have no desire to be attracted to men but couldn’t I just be a butch lover? I wish I was madly attracted to butches.

I wish I wanted to do some other line of work as bad as I want to sing.

The only good thing about today is that I cleaned the hell out of my place and I do feel better physically. Mentally I feel like my life is hopeless, gone, over, finished, destroyed. I have not felt so suicidal since age 17.

I hate life. I hate Kim and I can’t wait to abandon her when I move someday. She can feel what it’s like, even though it won’t be a great loss to her. She has Mark, many friends, family, work and a life.

I’ll never get the phone and how dare I think positive even though they gave me a number to be turned on next Tues. God will step in and shut it off. This particular punishment’s gonna last a while.