This has got to be the most boring birthday of my life. Yet, it’s been the same as any other day lately. I do not feel any different from any other age other than my congestion and stomach problems. I’m the same person as well as a totally different person than I was two years ago. That’s life I guess. However, I still say I’m very lucky to have come this far, even though the last several months have been the worst. At least I have learned a lot and do not have to fear for my mental and physical safety constantly.

I know I’ll never find and experience great sex. I don’t like it, but I accept it. Not being able to be a singer is something I’ll never accept or let go of with no hard feelings. All I know is that if I do not take my life within the next year and allow myself to live, I sure hope settling will become easier. I hope I can learn how to settle for a nothing job someday. As far as accepting sex with a butch or a so-so, no way. Not in a billion years and I know I won’t live that long.

Tomorrow, I have to go see my probation officer. I am nervous as all hell. In fact, I’m scared shitless.

I got no mail today but someone did try calling early this morning. Maybe it was Mom and Dad, Tammy or Andy. I don’t know. It could’ve been Tracy, and I wonder why she hasn’t returned my calls. I’ve been leaving messages since Mon. I’m through playing phone tag with her.

I called for proof of SS and SSI benefits and I also called music stores. Of course, no one has Gloria’s songbook, but a place in Hadley is gonna order it.