Things have gotten worse and worse. I had no idea they’d get this bad. I haven’t felt so bad in so long that constantly reminding myself of the fact I’m not at home or any of the places I was in as a kid doesn’t even help much. It’s scary. So aren’t the thoughts that have been going over and over in my mind. It makes me wonder how much more I can endure before I totally lose it and go off the deep end. Will it get so bad that there’ll be no way to rationalize what I may do? How can I continue to subject myself to so much misery? The boredom, isolation and reality that I’ll never have anything I really want. Never find a way to be able to settle and settle happily. When will I ever be able to do the things that are so easy to say? Will I get to the point of not being able to stop myself from ending it by trying to count my blessings? Will I lose control and all sense of rationality and reasoning? There’s no accepting this situation anymore. No more blessings to count, as this is bad enough. I know at the same time it sucks and isn’t fair and I’m overdue for a break that I am being punished. Take the phone for example. There are 3 punishments and one prevention out of that. The prevention is from meeting any women. The punishments are cuz of my prank calls, trying to meet people and ringing up that bill, the second dumbest mistake of my life. I never figured at the time Mom and Dad were gonna back out of moving me. Now I can’t even trust or rely on my own parents. That’s people for you but it’s one thing for them to back out of moving me to Arizona, another to CT. Their choice. One they’ve talked about for nearly 4 years now.

This coming Monday I’m supposed to go to Springfield and show them my ID to get a phone in my name. I’m gonna hype up a story about Maria S’s phone service, but I highly doubt God will let me have my phone back so soon. I doubt he’d consider that ample time to be punished for a $1,700 phone bill. I’m also scared that they may not buy my story and that I may quite possibly be walking into some serious trouble and a major trap.

God, I’ve had enough trouble and I’m on probation. It’s my only connection to life and when you have asthma this bad, it’s scary. I could use some conversation here and there with the CC and there’s other stuff too. Family, friends and making appointments. It’s like, God please, if you can hear me, I beg of you to allow me my phone back. I’ve been greatly compensated enough. You’ve denied me a career as a singer, I’ll never have sex again and believe me, I have been paying for my mistakes.

Cassandra was supposed to come last Friday at noon and God knows how we’re gonna get in touch with each other. She’s probably worried and wondering if I moved. That day I was feeling like I do now and I really really need to see her desperately.

On January 8th I have to go see Sheila and on January 15th I have to go to Northampton court. I’m wondering how the hell I’ll be getting there. Kim will be back at Baystate ER, Bob’s car is dead, and Mark’s such a true friend at heart. Even if Mark’s not gonna be busy, I don’t know about him.