Well, a lot has happened since I last wrote. First of all, at about 5:30 PM on the evening of my b-day, Kim called. Immediately her call boosted my spirits and she took me to Ponderosa. Before we went out, before I forget to say, I got calls from Tammy, Mom and Dad. At Ponderosa I had the steak and lobster combo. Boy, did I ever enjoy it! It had been a while since I had eaten food like that. Believe me, I pretty well cleaned my plate, too. Of course, I still have all that shrimp Tammy gave me.

At the restaurant, we were waited on by a not overly pretty, yet pretty enough waitress named Sarah. She was incredibly friendly. After dinner, she placed a piece of cake with a candle in front of me and said, “Happy birthday.” Sarah noticed Kim and I signing and said she wanted to learn. Also, friends of hers wanted to learn, too. She lives in Northampton and we exchanged phone numbers. I knew better though, and sure enough, no call yet. I don’t know her schedule or anything like that, but I have kept my promise to myself. Enough’s enough of me making the first move and approaching people. Or calling them. If someone’s interested in me for whatever reason, let them take that first step for a change.

I haven’t heard from Judy, either. Personally, I don’t think I want to. Things feel not only screwed up but very very weird about her. I either get someone who’s screwed up and if they follow through with getting together after we meet, we fuck each other up. Of course, they fuck me up more cuz they can’t handle my being myself. Also, once again, not all that many people get this far and reach my level regardless of any setbacks I’ve had. People of bad backgrounds, I mean.

On the other hand, I had once hoped for a person with better financial standings and better background, figuring two things. One, her better background would boost my feelings towards myself or I’d feel guilty, ashamed or embarrassed but hey, why not? Two, if she could pay for us to do things two low-income people can’t do every now and then, I could make it up some other way. An example is that if she pays for movies or dinner, I’d do laundry and cleaning and stuff like that. It sounds like that’s the way it should be and it’d balance out nicely, but it’s unrealistic. Opposites clash.

Now, getting back to after dinner on my birthday. Well, when we came home, Kim told me to give her a few minutes to make a phone call. So, after waiting 5 minutes or so, I knocked on her door. She opened it and was in the dark holding a cute little cake with pastel colors she bought. I blew out the candles and made my b-day wish I know will never come true. As I blew out the candles, there was a sudden flash. At first, I thought of Mark till I realized he was working. Kim flipped on the lights and there was Bob. She had called him on her car phone while I ran into a store to buy ciggies.