I am extremely tired, but I’d really rather stay up and write. I have nothing to get up early for in the morning. Thank heavens as for the last 3 days or so I haven’t slept jack diddly.

Earlier in the evening, Kim went roller skating and she said she’d ask Tony if he could bring me to court. She says he’s not working and is bored.

Kim took me to Cumberland’s for a few things before going shopping and getting other stuff. When we left, we went down her stairwell. She dropped me off on my side, as this was right when she was on her way to go skating. After a few good hard tugs on my doorknob, which is frozen with ice, I saw a Dunkin Donuts napkin. It was from Cassandra saying twice she attempted to see me and that she’d try again. That made me feel so good and I miss her and really need to see her. I like her and she’s a great person. Poor Cassandra’s probably scared shitless. I’d assume she went into Peter’s office downstairs and he and Sharon told her what was going on and that I’m alive. I hope so. That way she’s got some peace of mind.

Believe it or not, I even miss Bob. Bob and Sandra really are nice people despite all their troubles. As if I should be the one to talk. Should I know about troubles? What a great and welcome relief when things finally start to fall into place and work themselves out for the better.

If I was happier more often I’d take these happy moments more for granted. However, I really need to be feeling happier no matter what. It’s well due to me and I feel I deserve it now. Cassandra said what I’ve heard a few others say and that was that perhaps this is a strengthening period I’m going through.

Give me a break. I can’t see how much more “strengthening” I need and can take. I’m very experienced with all that crap.

Too bad Bob’s car croaked. I needed him around when Kim’s was unavailable to get me places I needed to go. Bob, Sandra and I had fun going food shopping together. Sandra would push the cart. Bob would hold the coupons and the calculator. I would take stuff off the shelf and toss it into the cart.

As I was going through all my journals inspecting the little ribbons Kim gave me that I’d turned into bookmarks, I got several laughs. I have misspelled so many words, screwed up sentences, and really rearranged some stuff. I could very well tell when I was drop-dead tired. That’s when the double words come in. I dig one sentence in my first journal. Mary C, not Mary D, had a brother Doug who had a major crush on me and wanted to “change” me. They were living on Bradley Rd. at the time and they were pranking me and I was pranking them. Then one day over the phone, we were all cracking up hysterically over the calls and what we’d said to one another. In my journal, I first wrote: I am talking talking to Doug now. We are discussed the phone calls.

Reading back on other stuff was funny. Like certain stuff with Nervous. I don’t miss anyone from Springfield at all. Some of them I used to miss and wished they weren’t such airheads.

Other than missing Andy, I really wish at times that Nervous had a car and was back in his worst obsession with me cuz I really miss playing with his head. Everyone knows he loved it too, till Andy came around. The competition finally wore him out completely. I wish I could play my “crossed call waiting” game with him and tape him and Fran or Andy going at it.

I sort of miss Jai and Steve, but neither of them has a phone. I have no idea if they’ve moved or not. The people I sure don’t miss at all are Mary C, Mary D, Jo, Nancy, Hank, Emily and Jessie. Jessie really disappointed me in the end. She and all the others I just named, I don’t despise her with a passion, I just feel nothing. I can no longer feel much as it’s been an awfully long time. There are probably other people I’ve forgotten, too, like Jimmy and Crystal. After Crystal pulled her shit on me, I felt sad, as she was otherwise a good person. We had lots of fun and for a while, I was bummed out. Shocked too, cuz I was so naïve back then.

Later...

I got my phone all hooked up today. I’m so thrilled about that. I called Cassandra at her home and left my new number on her machine. I called the CC and Sally and Jill. I expected to get a recording saying their phone’s been disconnected but their machine came on. I left my new number with Tracy’s secretary and, of course, I haven’t heard from her yet. She isn’t very punctual with returning calls promptly. I need to call Sheila to reschedule the appointment we have on the 8th.

I hope all goes well as far as transportation is concerned for the 15th in Northampton.

Kim’s working non-stop orientation and is going to Florida from Jan. 10-23. Bob’s never gonna be able to get his car fixed and Tony may be busy. Tony’s got a new job but he has the split shift deal, which may mean something could be worked out. Kim said that if worse came to worse, she’d give me money for a taxi. That’s gonna be an awful lot of money. I’m also wondering how I’m ever gonna go grocery shopping. The appointment for that lactose test and the dentist also need rescheduling.

Earlier I spoke with Bob who sounded horrible as he does 365 days a year. This year it’ll be 366 days.

I managed to notify Fran and Andy of my new number. Andy’s phone has not been disconnected as I suspected. I suspected it wasn’t disconnected, I mean. I thought Tammy was through with lying to me and I only can trust her partially, I told her. I don’t buy half the stuff she’s been telling me about Mom and Dad either. For a family who’s got so many secrets - I don’t know. What’s important is worrying about my life only. Within reason, that is, naturally.

Fran called me back shortly after I left my new number on his machine. We spoke for a while, then a great thing happened. Oh, it was absolutely fantastic!

Using Fran’s 3-way, he called Nervous at Feinstein’s Leather, he answered and was alone there. At first, only he and I spoke and he was quite pleasant till Fran butted in. Most of the time I’d back out to get them on tape going at it. I’d say Kim’s knocking on my door or something like that and man, did they really go off on each other. It was so funny. I even edited the bulk of the conversation.

Tonight, New Year’s Eve will be the worst ever as well as all the other holidays. I feel so deprived and so left out. Here I am so young, wanting to go get all decked out, go out dancing and have a night full of great sex, then get rid of the person the next day. I feel so alone and I’ll be bored out of my mind. I do intend to watch two hours of TV, but big deal. It’s New Year’s Eve. I have no choice but to pretend I don’t care as bitching about it is gonna get me nowhere. Same as I must try doing with other issues.

Out of all the years I’ve been out on my own, 1991 was definitely the worst. I still feel like I have no future and life will be one big boring drag. I’ll never see any of my dreams come true. What else do I do to be happy, fulfilled and content? I’ll never find myself professionally now that a singing career is off the table. I’ll never get over that fact and I’ll always be so hurt and never be able to forget it and move on from there. There’ll always be intense anger as well as sadness. Why couldn’t God have made me rich? It’s a rich man’s world and everything takes money. No matter what you’re starting or trying to get into, it’s one or the other - sex or money. Or power, too, I guess. Some serious connections like Gloria having Emilio. I’m sure Gloria has her problems but imagine being happily married for 12 years, having a kid and a great career. One she’s happy with and wanted badly and could achieve the way she wanted to. Safely with no sex. Money and plenty of support. Having a great husband who’s also your manager and producer. Gay or straight, if she never had someone like that and was like me, she’d only be able to make it by sleeping her way there. That is if she would’ve been willing to do that. One in billions of people stay together for 12 years. And are happy too. How the hell can a person like me who doesn’t want a relationship and has no money make it?

I told Fran he could call me at 12:30 tonight to wish me a shitty New Year’s Eve. Mom and Dad will probably call, too. Nervous told me he’s seen Jai and I told him to give Jai my new number.

Shadow looks so cute with this pearl necklace of mine he’s wearing. I built him a little tent too. I took an old torn-up sheet and draped it over a chair and he’s quite happy with it.

Later...

I just watched TV. I hope Mom and Dad call later. I wonder what Kim’s gonna be doing tonight? Probably sleeping, ambulance calls or doing something with her friends or family. Mark’s working. I think.

Great. A Jaclyn Smith movie’s on Sunday.

Kim left me a few pictures she took and made copies of. They’re of me moving in with Mark and Kim helping me. There are also 2 pictures of me sitting at Kim’s piano with Shadow and 3 taken by Bob the night of my birthday. I have mailed these pictures to mom and dad and they must send them back.

After I got my phone back earlier today, I discovered something really neat. I mean it’s way cool. Different from Springfield. In Springfield, when I’d call my own number, I’d get a busy signal, hang up and that was it. Here, I called my own number to be sure it was the one they said it’d be. I heard a busy signal and the second after I hung up, my phone rang. When I picked it up I heard two half-rings and then silence. So if I ever want to test my answering machine or phone ringers, I can do it myself without anyone calling me.