Boy, do I ever have a million things to write about! I kind of wish I did write a day or two ago, cuz now I’ll never remember every little thing I wanted to say. I’ll try to remember as much as I can later.

Before I do, though, I got a dismissal notice from jury duty! Great.

I finished part 4 of my story and printed it out.

Today we’re going food shopping, then out to wherever. I gotta do laundry today and we’ll probably go swimming. We may go out to breakfast at a buffet.

My parents and Tammy got the tapes and pictures. They all say I look the same size, and yes, they can see my tan. Cool. Ma says that in future tapes she wants to see more of our faces. They know, though, that this was our first “practice tape” and that we wanted them to see some scenery. They all agree on how beautiful Castles & Coasters is.

Later...

Things have been fine so far, but last Friday was horrible. All we did was argue all morning and I was so fed up and pissed off. Just totally frustrated. Most of the details of what we discussed aren’t fresh in my mind now, but I’ll try to remember whatever I can. It seemed like when we talked, one subject would lead to another and as I was cleared up about one thing, I’d become confused by another.

He tells me that one of the biggest things that keeps him from cumming is our not sleeping together. This is understandable, but then how could he cum with Wendy when they weren’t sleeping together? He didn’t even answer that one. Instead, he got upset that I brought her up. I know exactly why it is. It’s cuz she was on a contraceptive. When I commented on us maybe not getting off on the “wrong foot” sexually if I had been on some kind of contraceptive, he said nothing. His silence about these two things spoke a lot of words and confirmations as far as I was concerned.

We talked about a lot of things I’ve written about, but boy did I get ticked off when he made the comment suggesting that maybe the people I said were bad was an exaggeration on my part. Well, all that matters is that I know who was what. What he doesn’t know or understand won’t hurt him and he couldn’t possibly fully understand, cuz he never walked in my shoes. Yes, Tom’s understood me more than anyone else ever has, including Andy, but it makes me more reluctant to talk to him about personal stuff.

He said that now he doesn’t know how in the world he can get stuff done by July 15th. Meaning, the business, recording stuff, and making any changes in our sex life. This is all just one big excuse to me. If he’s not serious about the business or anything else, then fine. And if I get serious about singing more often, then how do I know I can count on him to do his part when he says he will? I know the way he procrastinates.

He told me Cigna’s got therapists, so anytime I ever want one, I can make an appointment. He said he didn’t want to go with me to one cuz it’d be another commitment. What about the commitment it’d be to take me there and back? He’s embarrassed and has even said so. I’d never see one cuz there’s nothing one could do for me and they would definitely want to see him here and there, too. I know he’s got enough commitments, but how would he deal with the commitment of a kid? I asked him this and he said it was a matter of priorities. I guess so, cuz he’s not one to run away from commitments which he handles better than most of the people I’ve ever known.

He told me that if I understood my fears and doubts about being a singer or having a kid, then they wouldn’t be such depressing issues that control my life. Well, I do understand my fears and doubts very well.

Like with love and attraction, people can’t often control what bothers them. All I can do is try my best to deal with it and remind myself that in time it’ll lessen and not be a big deal. Me knowing I’ll never have a kid is already starting to be easier to deal with. It’s just a slow and long process that doesn’t happen overnight. It took me years to deal with knowing I’d never make it as a singer in the kind of way I wanted to when I was younger. I dealt with the singing, I dealt with the women and other issues. I’ll deal with this one too. I just can’t speed up the process of it. I told Tom too, that someday I’d look back at this day and laugh and be grateful we didn’t have a kid and that things turned out the way they did. Like I said, I do have my fears and doubts and know that there are lots of pros to not having a kid whether I want one or not.

I don’t want to do this, but sometimes I still feel that sex complicates things and that we’d be better off not doing it or just doing oral stuff. I can’t change Tom any more than he can change me. It’s always gonna be his choice to cum or not to cum.

The next day he said he was sorry he made me feel he couldn’t talk to me about personal stuff and that we argued all day. He said he never wants to fight with me and that we can talk about it all weekend. So far we haven’t and I’d rather keep it that way. I don’t want to fight either and I know I’m not perfect either, but I don’t want to go through the same old shit all the time. I don’t want to do anything to stall the process of putting not having a kid behind me in the way that I did with other issues. I’ll always love to sing and I’ll always be attracted to women, but I want to be able to deal with never having a kid the way I’ve come to be able to deal with other issues. I don’t want him or myself leading me on and giving me false hope with July 15th or any other dates.