Tom wanted to screw me yesterday, but I told him I could only handle oral right now, so that’s all we did. I told him why intercourse was getting more and more awkward for me. Also, that oral should be for me, my doing him by hand for him, and screwing for us. Meanwhile, although he said he agreed, I feel screwing’s only for me. We talked about it last night, but who knows what we’re gonna do?

This morning he apologized for saying mean things to me last night.

What mean things? I don’t remember him saying mean things.

I respect his belief that our sex life will continue to improve and that we can have a kid, but I don’t think he’s too happy with what I feel. He knows he and I can’t change what I feel, though. He wishes I would have the “you never know” attitude and not blame either one of us or be dead set in my mind that we can’t have a kid. I agree that it’s best for me not to blame either one of us, but I can’t make myself believe it’s possible. The only way I could believe it was possible would be if he came regularly and I still wasn’t getting pregnant.

Later...

Besides typing this up, I’ve got to get on with my 5th storybook which will be in journal 91. I began next week’s letter to my parents, but not Kim and Tammy’s yet.

Tammy and I were teasing each other yesterday over the phone. We each said we were bitches in the past and Tammy reminded me of how when she and Larry would feed me, I’d eat so slow that they’d eat my food.

Each of us had our own reason for why we had it the worst. I had it the worst cuz I was the youngest and got sent away, as far as I’m concerned. Tammy felt she had it the worst cuz of Larry kicking her around, which is an unpleasant memory for me.

Then sarcastically she goes, “And of course, you were so cute.”

As far as I remember, I was a chubby geek who was stupid throughout most of my childhood. I was always jealous of others cuz they were smarter than me, prettier, or had the kinds of parents I wished I’d had.

I’m not perfect, but nowadays I can say differently after years of hard work. I feel I’m smart and not too bad looking. I think most of us get smarter and better looking with age. I just never thought I’d know as much as I do or hold my weight steadily at or near 100 pounds for nearly 10 years.

Tammy and Tom were talking while I was still in the shower. She wanted to wish him a happy birthday. She told him she was trying to shoot a fox with a shotgun that kept going after their chickens. That oughta be a funny sight to see.

Later...

Andy left a message saying to wait till he tells me all about a feeling he had that came true. Oh, how I hope to hell it’s not something like him having a feeling that Bug would give my name to that pig, then she did. I will fucking kill her if she does, I swear! Anyway, he’ll call me when he gets up.

Later...

Andy should be calling anytime now. I only hope he doesn’t have horrible news for me. He told me in his message last night how he accidentally recorded over some classic scenes from his soaps.

I told him I have a theory or an idea. It sounds bizarre and doubtful that may be only wishful thinking, but instead of God having us go to court, maybe He’ll do something else. Maybe his accidental recording over that tape will be his punishment cuz God knows we sure as hell ain’t gonna do this again. For me, maybe it’ll be not ever having a kid, but that’s not in my cards anyway. We’ll just have to see.

I’m up to April 20th of my typing up this book. I did the dishes and went for a dip in the pool. As hot as it is, I’m gonna cook us pork chops, mashed potatoes, and maybe even butter noodles. I meant to say I’ll cook us baked potatoes. I think I’ll go read and do some word seek puzzles. Tomorrow my library book needs to be renewed.

Later...

I wish Andy would hurry up and call. I’ve been racking my brain trying it figure out what the hell he could be talking about, but haven’t been able to think of it. I suppose it could have something to do with the calls cuz he wouldn’t leave it on the machine for Tom to possibly hear. Maybe there was trouble at work for him, who knows?

When I suggested praying since it works for him, he said that God wants us to take responsibility for our faults. Although, I did pray to Him over the bogus threats the cop said we made. I know I’m not guilty of that, I told Him. The pig could be bluffing, though.

He told me he didn’t have a good vibe or a bad vibe. He said he had an unsure vibe. I sure as hell don’t know what to think or what I feel. It obviously isn’t gonna just go away, so I hope to hell it can be worked out somehow and that my name keeps the hell out of it. It’s not him I don’t trust. It’s Bug that we just can never be too sure about, but if she goes back on her word to me about not mentioning my name, she will be very, very sorry. And I’m not gonna warn her of this promise, either. I’m just gonna pounce on her by surprise in whatever way I see fit if need be. I only hope it doesn’t come down to that.

I’m so bored out of my mind now, so I guess I’ll go listen to some old tapes of conversations.

Later...

Well, Andy’s not up yet cuz I just called his VM and he hasn’t gotten my message yet. I’ll just keep waiting, but once again, I hope he calls before Tom gets home.

I think I’ll listen to the tapes another time. It’d be hard to hear with all the fans we’ve got on. The one in my room is noisy and the fan on the stand in the living room is semi-noisy, but the ceiling fans in the living room and back room are pretty quiet. Tom says that as soon as that big incentive check comes, we can check out a better AC system. That’d be nice cuz once it gets over 105º the EC is useless. Over the last few days, we couldn’t keep this place under 82º, but it’s better than the winter and the pool temp’s great. The AC we have isn’t efficient, as I’ve said before. When the monsoons come in August when it’s more humid, a million ECs would do us no good.

Later...

Andy called a few hours ago saying he and Bug haven’t heard anything from the pig.

What his feeling was all about was that last night he sensed pigs nearby. Later his neighbor told him they were called to a domestic dispute next door. He said thank God they didn’t knock on his door cuz he was smoking a joint.

I’m gonna tape his soaps for tomorrow and Monday. I don’t know what’s wrong with his VCR, but his friend Pam lent him a VCR that he was having trouble hooking up.

Tomorrow morning we’re gonna bomb. We’ll go through a drive-through, then to his parent’s house.

Tom got in around 2:30, then we went swimming and we just finished eating. I made pork chops and baked potatoes.

Later...

Well, well. We actually screwed. Believe it or not, I didn’t cum either, but it was awesome. The variety of his movements with his hands as well as his dick was pretty amazing. I think the only reason I didn’t cum was due to the heat and the moisture. Moisture makes his job easier, but my hand slips off my clit. Plus, I wanted to hurry up so he wouldn’t die.

I wish my hummingbird would hurry up and arrive. That’s the clit vibrator. Sometime after the first it will, I guess.

Now knowing for sure we’ll never have a kid has got me thinking more about my singing. Due to my being dumb enough to let myself get caught up in something that could never happen, I’ve neglected my music. If only always just for fun, I’ve wasted time crying over the impossible when I could’ve been creating music.