Just a quick update now as there’s really not much to say.

I did some wall art. Or door art, I should say. There’s a little spice cabinet in the kitchen. I did something different and while I did, Tom was all helpful and in a wonderful mood. I noticed that the cactus figurine I painted cast a perfect shadow on the wall, so I traced it. Then I drew it on the door with carbon paper. All around it, I drew colorful stripes.

Last night, what I already knew really hit me and I cried for hours. It was as if a doctor who’d run tests came out and told me I was sterile for sure. That’s how hard the reality that I’ll never have a child slapped me. It’s like accepting someone who’s died, then you mourn through it till you’ve dealt with it. The more I cry over it, the easier it’ll get. That’s what I believe anyway. I sometimes even try to make myself cry over it to keep flushing it out of my system. The tears don’t always come, though.

How do I feel about Tom? As expected, I guess. I love him for a million reasons. However, this was a hell of a raunchy thing to do to me or any other woman. I still can’t help but believe that this is just another one of those things he said he’ll do and wants, but will always be nothing but talk. I still very firmly feel that he knew it all along. He knew what he intended to do - not cum and keep it that way. Will he ever come out and say so? I’d have been bummed too, if he’d told me from the get-go that he never wanted a child, but this is different. Will he ever come out and say, “Jodi, I’m so sorry for getting in over my head with telling you I’d cum and we’d have a kid. Truth is, though, I won’t let myself cum cuz I don’t want one.”

I just know deep in my gut, heart, and mind that he knew. As hurt as I am, I don’t love him any less. There are too many hundreds of great things about him and I know no one is perfect. He obviously just never had the heart to tell me he didn’t want one cuz he knew how much it meant to me. He will, though. Within a few months. He can’t play this game forever. Especially when I refuse to discuss the matter with him anymore. Remember? He said that that’d be his “cure.” Well, he can get off by all the wet dreams he wants and keep my sheets dry, cuz there are still plenty of reasons not to want a kid.

Sometimes I wonder why we bother to screw. I can give him a hard-on with my hand and I always favored being eaten out.

Later...

Today’s been a shockingly great day. I seem to be more accepting of never having a kid. At first, the thought was depressing, but then it got better.

Tom’s still in his wonderful mood and at his initiation, we did screw around. There was something different about it, though. I can’t pinpoint it or come up with a word for it. Maybe it was more intense? More heartfelt? He seemed more into it and it was true. He definitely wasn’t acting and said it gets better and better. He also said he wasn’t thinking about it but was close. I loved it. The variety of his different speeds and movements was great.