Yesterday I finished that big puzzle with the 4 puppies. Then when I went to flip it over the damn thing broke up. About a third of it did anyhow. After an hour or two I got it back together again and taped the back of it.

I just went and tried on some clothes. I’ve really got to lose 5-7 pounds or so. If I really thought I’d be pregnant, then it wouldn’t matter. In the last couple of years, though, my chest has grown, so my clothes will probably always fit differently, regardless of my lower body size.

I had a chat with Tom, but believe me, I still know better and wouldn’t allow it to refuel my hope. He brought up the subject and asked, how did this get so complicated? I said I didn’t know, but I did know that millions of other people seem to have no problem. I told him, “You said it was always up to me, but in fact, it’s up to you.”

Then he said, “Well, if it’s up to me, I want a kid, and now would be a perfect time.”

After I told him to put his actions where his words are, he told me about his “new” subconscious fear. He said that if he came now he’d be afraid of me really thinking he’d been holding back. I told him I have always felt that but that this shouldn’t worry him if he really wants a kid. He told me how he knows his problem isn’t physical. I’ve always known that. I also told him how for a long while there I felt insulted by his not cumming. He was too caught up by holding back to show how much he appreciated his wife. This is my opinion and I stressed to him how he has a right to his own beliefs and opinions, but I can’t help mine which I’ve got a right to.

Anyway, the good thing about it is that it was a quick and nice conversation. We didn’t fight and were hugging and kissing after and before he got on with the job hunt. Still, he told me not to worry and I won’t, but I know him better. He can tell me as many times as he wants how much he wants a kid, but that won’t change anything. I told him I didn’t expect it to, either.

He was in bed after I got up so I hope he has good job news for me.

Today’s Ma’s birthday today, so I’ll call her later. She’s either 63 or 64. I’ll ask her.

Later...

A couple of things have happened that piss me off, but it’s petty shit compared to my old life. Again the mailman delivered us a newspaper that goes next door and what’s pissing me off is the fact that if their mail’s coming here, ours is certainly going there or God only knows where and whoever’s getting it obviously isn’t returning it. I’m gonna call the PO today or leave a note out for our mailman, or both, and ask them to read the mail correctly.

The other thing that has gotten on my nerves once again is Bob. I’ve told him several times not to write on the envelopes of his letters to me cuz he writes tacky, corny, embarrassing shit. I love a lot of things about him as a friend, but I’m so sick of him being so selfish and doing what he wants to do. I need a break, if not forever, then at least for now. I told him so in a letter.