Yesterday was a really shitty day for me. I know that if I had written yesterday I’d have said more things in detail while they were fresh on my mind, but most of the time it’s too hard for me to write or do much of anything when I’m that pissed or upset. Most of it was nothing new and I was PMSing, too.

Some things about Tom and sex are still really damn confusing to me, but whether they are or not, I’ve just got to fucking accept what can and cannot be. He’s absolutely not gonna cum and we’re absolutely not gonna have a kid, so I’ve got to just deal with it and get on with my life. I know and I’m sure that in a matter of 5-10 years from now I’m gonna be more than grateful he never came and that we never did have a kid, but right now, I’ve got to get over it.

There are a lot of little things I wanted to say, but I just can’t remember them all right now. Especially now that I’m in a fine mood.

Tom’s been walking on the treadmill to give him more energy and make him feel better.

Well, the normal way a man and a woman have sex is for the woman to cum first, then the guy continues on to cum cuz he can’t stay hard afterward. So yesterday we screwed and after I came, he stopped as he always does, and the guy wasn’t even out of breath. Now tell me the guy isn’t just screwing only to get me off and I’ll tell you you’re full of shit. He still insists that it “takes care of him, too.”

Whatever.

Now here’s a contradicting as well as a confusing statement. He told me that if we had a kid, I’d still be his #1. That’s not what he said a few weeks ago. He said in a family unit, there is no #1 and that everyone’s #1.

He told me yesterday that he’s afraid to cum and he’s afraid not to cum. He said, either way, he feels trapped with nothing but cons to doing either one. He said if he doesn’t cum, I’m not happy, and if he did cum, he’d be afraid I’d really think he was holding back. I told him that whether he came now, in a year, 10 years, or never, yes, I’ll be thinking that but not to worry about what I think. Then he said, “But I worry about what you think and your feelings more than my own.”

Then why doesn’t he cum if he’s so worried about my feelings?

Anyway, as time goes on, I lose all hope and faith, as I said before. Even though he insists we will have a kid. It’s just like with the women. First, it was such a big deal for the longest time, then little by little, it wore off of me. That’s how I know that his not cumming and our not having a kid can and should wear off too. I mean, desires do change throughout the years. There are certain things I used to want to do and places I used to want to go that no longer appeal to me, etc.

That’s the general scoop on that subject. Now for the second thing that had me furious yesterday.

About 4-5 times yesterday I could’ve sworn I heard that fucking dog back next door again. The one that she said wasn’t theirs. I thought to myself, oh no! How often are they gonna take care of that fucking beast? And when are these people gonna fucking get it that quiet means quiet, and why is there always a fucking show from over there, and did they give them this dog to keep this time around?

Then later when Tom went up on the roof to do something to the cooler, he said he saw it and it was a puppy (a different dog) but that it’d be huge when it was full grown. He said he thought they were just taking care of it for someone cuz he doubted they’d get a dog that large.

So, what are they doing now? Dog-sitting for the people of this city? Anyway, the good news is that I haven’t heard it today and the kids have still been great.

I’ve got an appointment to see a dentist tomorrow. She can clean, do x-rays and maybe fillings. If not, she can do the fillings another time and she can surely refer me to an oral surgeon if needed. I only hope it does not cost a fortune and take a million appointments.

Alex is all moved into his 2-bedroom in Vermont. His rent’s around $600 which is amazing from the way he described it. Hell, you can’t even get a 2-bedroom in most of New England for under $800. He said it’s big and in a nice area. When I typed a reply to him, I started to ask him if the area’s quiet, but then I realized that that’d be a dumb question seeing that he’s deaf. He’s still with Mary who’s looking for work there with plans to move in with him. Right now she’s working in MA.

We left out two 19” color TVs for Goodwill to pick up today. One of them was one that Scott gave me. Also, the twin bed that Donna gave me and the couch that Scott gave me. The guy took everything but the couch. The idiots didn’t have the decency to tell us they wouldn’t take the couch, but we know why. The bed and TVs are in worse condition than the couch, so that’s not it. It’s no doubt cuz the guy was alone and his truck was full with it being the end of the day.

So after I called Goodwill to say thanks a lot and that we won’t donate to them ever again, Tom had a good idea. We put it in the back end of the garage where the car never goes, for him to use to sit on whenever he’s working on any projects in the garage. Then, we’ll leave it here whenever we move.

Tom’s really accomplished a lot around here. Things are more and more organized, and I certainly can’t bitch at him for not getting stuff done we agreed to do or he agreed to do.

Andy told me that 4-5 days ago, this mother and her two kids moved in next door and that the kids woke him up, and that the guy downstairs must’ve been pissed cuz he blared his music. Today he told me he talked to her and he’s lucked out with her as I did with next door. This is because most people out here would be like, “Fuck you! We’ll be as loud as we want to be.”

He said she’s really nice and that the kids, as well as downstairs, have been very quiet.

Diana moved out, but they still work together. He said he’ll give her any mail I send there.