Yesterday Tom was very happy cuz of things falling into place, and they are. His job’s going well and we’ve been getting stuff done. Then he said he thinks I’m gonna be “surprised.”

Tonight he made a suggestion/request of me. He said, “We had a string of not-too-good luck. Things were breaking, there were paperwork problems, and now things are falling into place sooner than I thought they would. A week ago I wouldn’t have believed it would fall into place so soon and I don’t see why our string of good luck can’t continue. You call it compensation. I call it evening things out. I’m not gonna give you any promises that certain things will or won’t happen, but I’ll give you a date of July 15 (Linda’s birthday). Have the attitude that till then, you’ll just let whatever happens to happen without resisting it. Then on July 15 you can prioritize things and decide what’s possible or not.”

I’m not too sure what he means by this, but I said I thought that I was supposed to decide this in January. He said, “No, January’s when you decide whether or not to get a hysterectomy.”

I’m not surprised he worded it: “January’s when you decide if you want a hysterectomy” rather than, “January’s when you decide if you want a hysterectomy if you’re not pregnant by then.”

I think I know what this is all about. I mean, what’s he gonna do? Cum within the next few months? Yeah, right!! I think this is about his “coming out” and in his own way, he’s gonna tell me or show me, “Yes, I was wrong in leading you on. I never meant to cum or for us to have a kid. Not now. Not ever.”

When I see that he doesn’t cum tomorrow morning when we fool around, or ever, and when he “comes out” with it, what am I gonna do? What could I do? With or without him in my life, there’ll always be a part of me that’ll miss having a kid and I’ll always believe there’d have been a great chance I was sterile anyway, but there’s another side of it that’s positive. I love him. Yes, he should have told me outright upfront, but I understand he just didn’t want to hurt me with the truth. Also, this way we can sleep, have lives, and have each other, and much much more.

Later...

I just marked some exercises I did on the activity chart.

Yup, they’re definitely up to something illegal next door. From 9:30 PM-1:30 AM, I heard the guy come and go 4 times. I also thought I heard him loading/unloading whatever a few times. It definitely takes something like tweak for this type of activity and also to sleep only 4-5 hours every night.

With the exception of 85, which I’m currently typing up, I updated my stats. I omitted the minutes this time around cuz I didn’t trust their accuracy. I did the dates they were created, pages words, and characters. I did this several pages down where there were no decals.

Later...

Yesterday morning Tom helped me to arrange my icons in the way I ordered them. Got that done in a jiffy.

Now I’m beginning another task. Along with finishing up my medley, I’m going through the 6 convo tapes I have to edit stuff I may haven’t edited yet. I went through the first one, but not to edit anything yet. The label on which I wrote the contents of the tape, was sort of vague and messy. So, I rewrote a new index label with more specifics. I left Andy a message letting him know my plans and I hope he’ll take my offer. I offered to dub these convo tapes for him. I know there’s plenty of stuff he’ll love and has always enjoyed and it’d be a favor to me, too. Why? Cuz, they could be backups like the backup edit tapes he has. When I get done going through them, I’ll write an index in here of all 6 tapes before I edit stuff.

Although I love our sexual encounters and have no problem getting off, it’s still weird. I expect and am used to it being one-sided, but it’s still weird. Sex is only for me. He expects nothing from it. No orgasms and certainly not a kid. Whether we want a kid or not, I just can’t ever imagine my wanting to always get off by myself only when there’s someone around who I’m attracted to as well as love.

Later...

Just talked to Andy. As soon as he can give me five 90-minute tapes, he will. Great. That means as much to me as it did to him when I taped his soaps. He’ll have plenty of laughs while I have peace of mind. If the master tape were to get eaten, I’d be fucked. I’m not about to lose any more tapes if I can help it. The pigs in S. Deerfield made me lose enough. Also, if I’m gonna have backups, why have them sit around here when I know he could be enjoying them?

He also needs more “funny notes” written up to distribute. No prob. I’ll do it on the computer this time.