Boy, was I ever wrong about Tom on one thing! As I was waking up today, he was filling out a form to get those sex toys, as well as those labels several pages back. Can’t wait till we get them!

Got the package from my parents today. Yup, there was a flag. It was of Noah’s Ark like my sister got. There was a teddy bear, a lion, a giraffe, an elephant, and I think that was it. We put it at a 45º angle off the patio by the pool. You can see it from the street that runs alongside our house. It’s really cleverly made so it pivots around and doesn’t get all wrapped up around the pole. It’s on a nice stylish wooden pole, too. I was picturing a metal pole. There was also a Noah’s Ark wind chime and bird feeder. The backyard sure is nicely decorated now. I thought about decorating the front eventually with a wind chime or whatever, but nah. This may not be Springfield, but I don’t want to put something out that could be stolen. We got a Noah’s Ark picture frame, but none of the pictures of us will fit into it. Lastly, she sent us an anniversary card and 3 different pieces of stationery. I sent one to my parents, one to Kim, and one to Bob.

Tom offered to go down on me before he went to bed. I said, “This is a good time for that.”

He said it was called being up a very long time and being tired.

That’s true.

Yesterday I read him the part about that woman in that camp in Maine. Today he told me he really liked it and said it was some of the best writing I’ve ever done. That’s cool.

Later...

Today was an OK to a fairly good day, but it just turned lousy. Yes, I admit it’s all my fault, too. The only part that has me upset with Tom is that I feel a bit more shut out at times. Sometimes I want to chat while he’s so engrossed in sports on TV. He also tells me to say and ask whatever I want whenever, but then he seems frustrated with me.

A little while ago I blew up at him, calling him a fucking liar. Saying I knew he’d never cum and he knew it. He told me that being called a fucking liar is just as abusive as a man beating up his wife. He said if it continued, he’d divorce me and throw me out on the streets. He said that’s an abnormal paranoia for me.

I said, “When your own parents throw you away, what do you expect?” True, though, that I was still being mean, cruel, and cold by swearing at him.

Why and how can I be so mistrusting of him about sex and having a kid? I trust him with everything else, so why can’t I trust him with this? He always comes through on his word to me about other things. He’s just not very punctual, so why can’t I trust, believe, and count on him with this? I don’t know if I’ll ever believe that he will cum, but if he doesn’t why blow up at him? Better to just accept it if he doesn’t, cuz us not having a kid doesn’t make me love him any less. Also, he’s not Dureen O. He never has or will do any of the shit she’s done, and I know it’s not fair of me to compare the two.

Later...

He just came in to say he was sorry for the mean things he said. He said he was sorry about saying he’d put me out, cuz he never really would and loves me forever. That’s so sweet and I apologized, too. He didn’t ask me to, but I’m gonna work on not swearing so much in general. It’s a subconscious thing that I need to make myself more aware of to break the habit. I know that if we did have a kid, he wouldn’t appreciate me swearing so much and I respect that. Just like I know he respects my wanting to show the kid neatness and organization, then it can do what it wants when it’s on its own.

Anyway, the bottom line is that despite the mean things we said to each other, he’ll never cum, he knows it, and there’s nothing he’ll do about it. Therefore, there’ll surely be no kid, not to mention the fact that I’d feel more like he appreciates me in bed if he did cum. This is something that’s very hard for me to accept, but these are all my true and honest feelings and opinions. I doubt I’ll be wrong on something I feel so strongly about, no matter how much he tells me he wants a kid. Not after the fact that we’ve been screwing for over a year. Back up until around my surgery, I had some hope he’d change, but now it’s gotten rather obvious. Again he said today he was anxious to have a kid, but I know better than to think that’s possible any more than maybe 5% - 10%.

Diana got my letter today and Andy said she loved it. He said he offered her an NPN envelope, but she wants to keep it.

Andy also said he loved the writing about the camp memory. He was confused, though, on a couple of things. He didn’t think I could remember anything at age 9. Not a lot. My memory didn’t improve until I got to my late teens. The only reason why I remember being 9 that summer is cuz of a comment my mom made. When we were packing me for the second camp in Maine, she said that the last time I was at camp was when I was 9 and I know I was 14 at that time.

He also questioned the part where she said, “Go to sleep or I’ll kiss you all over.” He said that sounded sexual.

But it wasn’t at all. She was only playing with me.

Yesterday I finished all the puzzles from my magazine subscription. The next one’s due around 6/14.

Tom and I are gonna check into this new bed we saw that I sure hope is affordable and not all BS. I saw a commercial where bowling pins were set up on one side and a ball was thrown on the other, but the pins never fell. In other words, the bed is for people like me who are light sleepers.

They’re playing some really good tunes tonight on the radio. In an hour and a half from now at 9:30, Norah’s gonna be in that movie called Appointment with Death. She’ll probably only be in it for two seconds. It’s an Agatha Christy movie set back in the 1930s so I can only imagine what pitiful outfits she’ll be wearing. Andy was kind enough to remember that I had asked him to record it as a backup. However, I told him not to worry cuz it’ll be on next week too, and there’ll be no storms tonight. Tomorrow evening we’re gonna go over to his parent’s house. I haven’t seen them in a while. Plus, Ma’s sister Neva (Geneva) wants to meet me. She’s from Michigan but is staying here for a month or so to escape the shitty weather and ice storms they’ve been having.

Last night I sent Alex a letter on AOL. Soon, I’ll go check and see if there’s any response from him. I’ll also type a letter to Kim and enclose one for her to send to Doug.

When I talked to Dad, he hadn’t gotten the fingerspelling letter. I told him I wouldn’t tell him what it was, but I let him know a neat surprise was on its way. He said I have a surprise on its way too. I thought it might be a letter. Then I noticed on the calendar that this Saturday is Passover, so it’s probably just a card.

Now the unfortunate news. On 6/30 I have to go see Dr. Rugg again for another pap. The swab was too bloody to read. All else is OK, but the results of my ultrasound aren’t in yet.