I could be in a much better mood right now. I’ll have to see Dr. Rauche about the new inhaler. It seems since I’ve taken it I’ve been having a hard/rapid heartbeat, and felt almost panicky and depressed. I don’t know how much of a connection there could be if any at all. I know a lot of it is the game I fear my otherwise loving husband’s playing with me. When his actions don’t fit his words, what can I think or do? Now I find myself anxious for January so I can get a hysterectomy or go on the pill. Better yet, I wish I could go back to the days when I hardly ever thought of a kid and if I did, it wasn’t such a big deal as it is today. Life has got and could have too many more wonderful and more important things that are possible and practical for me to waste my time dwelling on something I can never have. But how do I deal with it? I can’t turn it off or block it out, so how do I deal with it? They say that without dreams you’re dead. Yeah, well, I’m sick and tired of having too many impossible dreams.

I can’t believe him anymore. I just can’t. I can believe him about anything else, but not when he says I can have it, he wants it too, etc.

Why do I have this sure feeling, though, that we never would’ve started off sexually on the “wrong foot” if I were on some kind of contraceptive all along? I know he didn’t seem to be too thrilled about the kids shutting up next door, but why is he doing this to me? All I can think of is the same things - maybe he really does think it’ll kill me, come between us, I couldn’t handle it, he doesn’t want to deal with it, he’d feel left out, etc. There are other things too, that could be going through his mind. Money. How fat it’d make me. I know he’d still love me if I were that fat, but I’m sure he’d prefer me not to be fat and he knows real damn well how I’d feel about it, so there could be a lot of things about it that play on his mind, as well as that play on my mind. I cringe every time I hear my sister’s and plenty of other mothers’ words.

Even I couldn’t cum yesterday. The main thing about it was that I felt hurried cuz he has little stamina. I also feel sex is for me only and that he’s just not into it. He also seems weird after sex. Almost bitter and like he wants to avoid me for a while after. He mentioned my suggestion again about him going down on me first, then he can go in there for a shorter time. Why is sex always so complicated? And more so - how can it be this complicated? I mean, a few hours later, I had no problem taking care of myself.

I’m still undecided as to whether or not God really exists. There have been several things in my life and in this world that make me think He does and He doesn’t. That He’s both good and evil. That He’s all good, but that a devil also exists.

Earlier when my racing heart got me all panicked, I prayed for it to stop. It did. It seems “easy" prayers are answerable, and that while I’ve been blessed with skills, talents, fairly decent looks, improved health and relationships with family and Andy, Arizona and Tom, I fear that God or someone is determined to see that I never become a singer or have a child.

Again I have to ask myself - what if I did have these things? Would I regret it more than anything else? Would I wish for these days back? Would I be sorrier than all hell and feel I’ve made the biggest mistakes ever? I guess I’ll never know, will I? Tom says I hold the key to these dreams. Perhaps I do with the singing. With the kid, he holds the key. What more can I or any other woman do but lie back and spread their legs?

He swears he doesn’t blame me for his so-called “problem.” Well, I sure as hell feel he blames me. What are we gonna do? Blame each other for the rest of our lives? I will always love him, but yes, there’ll always be some resentment on my part. However, I have a feeling that I won’t feel this way when I’m older, or resentful. I think and hope I’ll feel glad things turned out the way they did. After all, it seems it can only work out for the better in the long run.

Later...

Got a letter from Kim which I’ll respond to by Monday. Today, I’ll mail off letters to Tammy and my folks.

I’m not too thrilled with Tom for putting off the cigarette machine and the bee machine, but what else is new? I figured as much, anyway, when he said they’d be done months ago. You see, this is what I don’t get. Initially, I thought he was trying to instill patience into me to make it easier for me to deal with a kid. He also said he hoped I’d get used to the kid’s noise next door cuz he wants a kid, so maybe that’s got him upset. Anyway, now I know he’d like me to be more patient just to make things easier. I hate to say this, though, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being impatient. It shows how much the person wants something. That’s all.

There’s another thing I don’t get. If God wants more people with bad qualities to have a kid, then I wonder why I don’t qualify. I’m impatient, still have somewhat of a temper, and am moody when I have PMS. What’s wrong then? It’s probably cuz I want it whether or not I’d be regretful if I had one. Lord only knows that Andy’s friend’s girlfriend who’s had an abortion cuz she’s only 19 is a dime a dozen.

Something definitely does want to keep the saying, “life isn’t fair” ringing true. I’m not saying it’s unfair all of the time, but it sure is a lot, if not most of the time.

It’s nice to know, though, that some of my “easier prayers” just might be answered.

There’s a good side to Tom’s procrastination. A week or two ago he said he’d read my story within a few weeks. I doubt it. Plus, if he did, he either wouldn’t finish it or wouldn’t finish it until the year 2000. I know him. The good part of it is, it’ll spare me some serious embarrassment. Unless it’s something funny or non-personal, I always keep my writing to myself. Both story writing and journal writing. As sensitive as Tom is, he would totally die if he ever read my journals. Especially stuff on him, even though he knows pretty much everything from journal 1 - this one. For stuff that didn’t concern him, he’d either be bored, cracking up, or quite embarrassed for me.

I mentioned his “slip” to him the other day which he denied and insists I misinterpreted. The part of it that’s kind of funny is that I had written “T-slip” on my journal notepad. Well, I think he may have seen it. However, he knows and understands that it’s my right to write whatever I want in my journals.

Do I think he reads them on the computer while I’m asleep? I don’t know, but I highly doubt it. In fact, I’m 99% sure he doesn’t.

If he wrote a journal that I didn’t know about, would I want to read it if he didn’t know I would? Yes. That’s me, though. We’re two different people.

What would I look for? Any confirmations and stuff like - I’m afraid to cum cuz a baby isn’t what I really want and am afraid to let her down by saying so. I’m also afraid to let her down by telling her I doubt she could handle it and I certainly don’t want to deal with it. She smokes, has no patience, can be aggressive and would really bitch all the more about being fat. She’s boring in bed and not all that attractive and we can’t sleep together. I can’t keep up the “so-called problem I have with cumming” game forever. So, I’ll tell her she can have a hysterectomy or go on the pill, cuz I’ll never admit to her that I could’ve cum all along.

I’m sure way more so, though, that I would not read his journal if he had a secret one, cuz I’d have to live with the guilt. I’d also have a hell of a time suppressing my anger, too. It’d be different if he confessed this stuff to me personally. He should’ve upfront. However, I hope he finds the will to someday. Better late than never, regardless of how much it hurt.

Sometimes I wish to hell I could find out from Wendy what he’s said about this subject, but I know she’ll tell him. In some subtle ways, he did confess when we first met but obviously decided to go along with me as he saw my desire for a child grow. Before I write the statements I can remember off the top of my head - there’s another thing, though. Several months ago, he claimed I brought him out of his rut with that issue. After one of my surgeries, he said, “Sometimes I’d rather wait 20 years so I don’t have to deal with it.” There’s been other stuff like, “It’s way in the future,” “I don’t know if it’s what I want,” “You’re not going to have a child,” “I don’t see it,” etc.

Later...

I hope Tom gets up soon so we can have “chocolate fun” after he eats and digests. He still hasn’t gone down on me with the chocolate and said he wanted to wait till I’m at the point where I can change sheets after. Good point. It’s gonna be quite messy. We can do it on the comforter, cuz that’s got to be washed today.

I was surprised to hear him say he felt there were no pros to his either cumming or not cumming. Especially when he’s such a “middle” man who tries to stay in the gray area of things and feels things have both pros and cons as I do. I’m surprised he didn’t say the pros to not cumming would be keeping the bed clean and I thought the pro to his cumming was supposed to be a baby?

I’m sure getting it out of my system tonight in print, huh? That’s cuz I’m reluctant to talk to him. I know I can, and most of the time it helps, but I still also feel his telling me I can talk to him is a burden to him.

Yesterday he said something like (I can’t remember his exact words) I like having stuff to be upset about. Yeah, right. If that’s his attitude, I would rather cry in my room alone or in this book.

My not being able to keep a schedule may also give him a “baby block,” but he denies that.

I just don’t know what to do, think, or believe and I probably never will.

Later...

I’ve got so much to say, that it’s so overwhelming. The more I have to say, the more my mind goes blank. I don’t even know where to begin. I hope I remember everything, although I know that remembering some is better than none. This pen could never keep up with my thoughts, so tomorrow I’ll type stuff up after I’m rested and recharged. Can’t say that my typing will be able to keep up with my thoughts, either, but I’ll do my best.