Boy, did I get the surprise of my life last night. Tom really did wake me up. We didn’t screw, though, and all he did was touch me, but I really thought he was joking. He said that this was a start. He said he had been afraid that if he woke me up I’d get mad. But I only would if he did it constantly or when I was tired and he knows this.

He saved a message from Eldon that I think he only saved hoping I’d hear it. He already has his number written down, so why else would he save it but for what I’m about to write about? Eldon had to cancel their get-together this Sunday and make it next Sunday which is the 5th. He thinks that I’m mid-cycle on the 5th, and I’ve been saying that I think something’s trying to get in our way (besides himself for not cumming). So, I think this is his way of rubbing it in and teasing me with the subject. There are two reasons why I think he won’t cum at the times of the month that it’s very unlikely to conceive. One is cuz there’s still a very slight chance. Two is cuz then it’d look more obvious that he was trying to avoid my getting pregnant.

Anyway, he told me to wake him up at 5 which is in 10 minutes. Then he’ll bang himself hard till he conks out or gets a cramp or whatever the chosen excuse will be for this morning. He can’t go down on me till at least after work. The last of the crotch cream is still making its way out.

I hope Kim’s doing OK. She’s probably on her way out of the hospital at this time since it’s 8:00 there. I can’t see her able to drive herself home from her mother’s, though. She said this operation would have more pain involved than the last and the last time she said she couldn’t move from her mother’s place for a couple of days.

Well, it’s nice to know that instead of going out to the mall with a phony, controlling backstabber (Jenny), then back to a cold, snowy dive as I was on this day 8 years ago, I can have sex and enjoy doing the things I do in a house where it’s safe and the weather’s gorgeous. It’s not gonna be gorgeous, though, for a few more hours.

Karson hasn’t called after those two times she called, so that’s good.

Today I’m gonna vacuum and do the bathroom, but right now it’s time to get off and get him hard!

Later...

Well, I did just what I said I was gonna do. I got him hard, but I didn’t get off. He was just so hard that I couldn’t reach enough of my clit. He was hard instantly. Of course, he isn’t gonna cum with the way he goes about screwing. He speeds up a bit then right as he’s about to go over the edge he stops for about 30 seconds and does this over and over. We screwed on his hard bed which I wasn’t sure if I could ever do, but we both like it better on the waterbed. Then he went to the bathroom which is where he probably got his relief.

He said swapping Andy a check for cash would be no problem if he needs it. Andy says he doubts he’ll need it, but will let me know by Sunday. He’ll have to have it post-dated for the 6th if he does and his appointment is on the 30th. He’s gonna get his gums scaled and they want the first half up front which is $140.

I probably won’t be having my teeth done till next year and I hope to hell they hold out till then. So far, so good and that upper right wisdom tooth hasn’t been bothering me.

I just asked Tom if he wanted me to make his second sandwich and he insisted he’ll make it. I wonder why? Probably so he cannot close the breadboard all the way. He knows that gets on my nerves. I like cabinets, drawers, etc., shut tight. It looks better that way. But, like I’ve said before, he likes for me to tidy up after him.

I might start another story today. I don’t know. I have to be in the right mood and frame of mind for that.

I called AOL but had no messages from Alex.

Andy said that Michelle said that that’s very normal to have to wait this long for Gloria’s fan club stuff. She’s waited 2-4 years for different fan clubs herself and hasn’t always gotten everything they were supposed to send her. It’s been over a year now if I remember correctly. I’m just curious to see what they’re gonna send. Maybe I’ll know in another year.

Before I go listen to music, what was Tom’s excuse this morning? Just that he had to hurry up and get his day started. It’s just now 6:00 and he doesn’t have to leave till 7:30. This game of his is getting really old. Sometimes I just want to come out and say, “No sex if you’re not gonna do it right.” This is really getting to be quite insulting as used to it as I am and as much as I know that this is how it’ll always be.

Later...

Tom shut the breadboard, so I guess he just wanted to move around more to wake himself up more and that’s why he made his sandwich. Anyway, he’s in the shower now.

I mentioned how we’ll have Saturday and Monday together, and he said yes, we will, and all the time in between. I thought he was then gonna come out and say that he wasn’t doing Eldon’s computer work till the 5th, but he didn’t. I guess he must’ve talked to Eldon and they kept it for this Sunday.

At this time 8 years ago Jenny came over to make us that toast and coffee. I can remember the feeling too, of how I felt so groggy from all the medication I was on. I was on a high dose of Navane still at that time.

I’m calling the weather line now to see what they have to say. The current temperature is 54º. It’s to be in the upper 80s for the next two days, they say.

Time to go feed the birds as I’m sure they’re waiting upon the electrical lines for their birdseed.

Later...

Same routine. They were up on the lines and as soon as I came back in after putting their food out, they dove for it. About 60 birds are going at it out there.

Later...

All the food is gone and so are the birds. However, they hang out there on and off all day looking for seeds that have fallen to the ground from trees.

I am so very, very upset now. Perhaps I’m more upset and confused than I ever have been before. I’m so overwhelmed with things to write about now, that I’m not sure where to begin. I’ll begin at the beginning, I guess, and try to remember everything I want to say. They say that if something’s too good to be true, it probably isn’t. Well, now I fear that my husband who’s what most women dream of may be lying all the more about not wanting a kid.

First of all, why did he tell me that therapy sessions cost hundreds of dollars unless you’re on medication? I called and asked them and they said it’s a $10 co-payment just like regular doctor’s visits.

Anyway, I called and ask a nurse again to see if I’d get a different nurse and to see what their theory was about our sex life. It was a different nurse, alright, and I certainly didn’t want to hear what she had to say about it, but I had to hear it at the same time.

Now I just don’t know who to believe anymore. My husband or this professional who says she’s been through it herself.

Let me tell you what she told me she went through first. She said she was with a guy who she thought would never lie to her and who was great all around. He said he wanted a kid just like she did. Not only couldn’t he get off, but he couldn’t get hard, either. Finally, he let go once, she got pregnant and he split.

Now how do you suppose this is supposed to make me feel, even though this might not happen to all of us? It happens to most women and she too, never thought he’d leave any more than I think Tom would leave if I were pregnant.

She told me all her theories about it which are just what I’ve wondered about. When I asked her if I could be right since I’ve had this nagging feeling about him not wanting a child, she said that they say those gut instincts are usually correct.

She said that he could knowingly not want a child, but is saying he does cuz he knows it’s what I want.

When I think back on it I remember how he told me up front he really was doubtful of wanting a child. Then the more he could see that I wanted one, he began to go along with it.

Maybe he’s tried and is trying in his own subtle little ways to tell me he doesn’t want one cuz he doesn’t have the heart to tell me bluntly, even though he swears he would and that’s what I would need and want him to do.

But when I think back on comments he’s made like, “What are you gonna do? Go out and cheat on me?” after I said I was gonna do all I could do to get us that child we say we want. And, “All that’s standing in the way of going back east is money.” Like he knows I won’t be pregnant. And when I’ve confronted him with such comments he either insists I misunderstood him or doesn’t remember saying whatever.

She also said that there could be other factors he’s thinking like, would I be a good father? Can we afford it?

I know he doesn’t like anything to get in the way of our time together.

She also said he could have a subconscious fear or stress about it that even he isn’t aware of.

I told her that I’m trying my best to not pressure him about it and she said she felt that while she could understand that, at the same time that shouldn’t interfere with a guy functioning sexually unless they do have a fear that they either know or don’t know about.

What she says makes sense, but I just don’t know who to believe. I want to believe my husband, but it’s getting harder to do.

She too, can’t understand how he can be happy with our sex life the way it is and believes he’s probably relieving himself in the bathroom or wherever.

She told me, “I don’t know him, I can’t see into his eyes or hear his voice or know everything about you two, but I don’t think this will go away on its own, although I hope I’m wrong.”

When I told her about our agreement for April of ‘97 she asked how can he know that everything will be OK by then? I told her he said he wouldn’t bet his life on anything but feels that things are getting better and that anytime from now till then, we should be able to have a kid ourselves with no problems. She said she thought that due to it being more than likely to not go away on its own that we should see a counselor, or even just me by myself if he won’t go. She thinks that that can very well help us to enable ourselves to have a kid on our own even better.

She told me she didn’t think the problem was me and asked me if I thought the problem was me. I told her sometimes I think that, but mostly I think it’s his fear that’s the problem.

I believe that therapy could help us both too, and that if it didn’t it couldn’t hurt, but I’m so afraid to bring it up to him. I really don’t think a kid is worth his taking the time out to go to a therapist and I really think it’s more important to spare his embarrassment, rather than to get help having a kid. At least that’s what I think he feels. How can I let him know that I just want to do all I can to help us? How can I let him know that I just want to do all I can to help us get the things we want? How can I let him know this without him feeling I’m trying to attack him or fight with him? How do I tell him it’s OK to see a therapist and do the things that I suggest will help us as well as the things he suggests will help us? How do I tell him he doesn’t have to be ashamed or embarrassed to talk to a professional who just wants to help us too, if that’s how he truly feels?

She said that if I don’t do anything about it and it doesn’t get better, then I’ll never have a child and I’ll be giving up something that I want to make him happy. But I want to make him happy. I don’t want to force him to do anything he doesn’t want to do. I’d rather spend my life with him with no kid, than with someone else with a kid, but how do we find a way to compromise?

We both say we want a kid and that now’s a good time, so why don’t we start doing whatever it’ll take now? Why must we wait? Why can’t we go to a therapist to achieve one of two things: either him being able to admit he doesn’t want one or us taking action towards having a kid if it’s what we both want?

Why must we wait or stall and why do I have a feeling that in April of ‘97 if things do stay the same as I fear, yet believe they will that he’ll do all he can to stall or avoid the doctors?

How do I know he isn’t truly playing with my head on just this issue and having a blast doing it? How do I know that something bad or hurtful didn’t happen in his past? What if he had a kid with someone else? He does seem to know an awful lot about kids. Can he really learn all this just by what others say? I suppose he can, but I just want to know who to believe! Can anyone help us? Please, God, I don’t want to go on like this, but I don’t want to lose my husband either.

What do I do?

He said if I took the injection he’d feel spited, yet I feel spited by this. I just need to know the truth, no matter what it is. I need to know he’ll do all he can do to help us and I want to do all I can do to help us.

I want to believe in him and trust him with this as I do with everything else he tells me.

And by the way, this nurse says the opposite of that injection. She says some women have very heavy and irregular periods with it. Forget it.

I just don’t know what to do. I know that if I hold it in, it’ll keep the peace between us, but it may not ever help us to not deal with it and face it and get help with it. Especially if he has a fear he won’t confess to and all the more especially if he’s got something going on psychologically that he’s unaware of. I just want to help him. I just want to help us. How can I let him lovingly know this? I don’t want to hurt, change or fight with him. I just want this problem resolved. Not in a year and a half or 2 or 5 or 10, but now. We’ve lived like this long enough and I would want it resolved even if we both admitted to never wanting a child, cuz I love my husband and I care about us both enough to want us to have a normal and happy life in and out of bed.

I still can’t think of the best thing to do. A part of me wants to just try to forget it and never bring it up again. Not even if he doesn’t bring up going to see a doctor when April of ‘97 comes. The other part of me wants to say to him, “Hey, look. I love you and this is why I’m doing this. I just want to help us and I’m sorry if that gets you upset in any way or if you think I’m trying to pick on you.”

Sometimes I feel like we both don’t believe each other.

There is another thing that I didn’t mention that could possibly be going through Tom’s head whether he knows it or not that he could fear. I really doubt he’s worried he’d be a good father. I know he’d be a good father and I asked him if he thought he would be and he said yes. Perhaps he fears that I’d be a bad mother, but doesn’t want to admit that to me. Or maybe it’s nagging at his subconscious.

Anyway, I feel trapped with this just like I do with the cigarettes. I have different ideas that go through my head to try to achieve my goals or help us achieve something we want, only to fail at whatever I try or to be unable to do what ideas I have.

Why is it that my life has been full of one long-term issue after another to have to deal with? Why do I always have to be facing situations that are unusual or that just have me feeling so helpless? I feel like I’ve got a million different choices I could make and I just don’t know where to turn.

Tom said he wants to do more of what he wants and that he feels controlled. Well, I feel like I should be doing more of what he wants, to hell with my needs, wants and desires and I feel controlled, too. I feel like I have to sacrifice something I want very much to make him happy. If that’s what I must do, I can and will do it, but I’d need to know this. I’m tired of wondering, guessing and being suspicious. I don’t want my head played with. I don’t want to be hurt and I certainly don’t want to hurt Tom or play with his head.

In a way I wish I never called this woman cuz I fear so much that she could be right. I hope she’s not, but I can’t help what my gut’s been telling me and my gut’s been pretty accurate when it comes to the more serious or personal issues that this is what makes it all the scarier.

Should I forget all about it, assume Tom doesn’t want a kid by what his actions have shown and insist we use rubbers?

Or should I insist that we do all we can do to help us ASAP? Even if it does mean both of us or one of us (believe me I prefer it to a team thing, though) going to someone and spilling it out to them? Like I said before, if it doesn’t help us, how can it hurt us? I guess that the worst that could happen is that one or both of us don’t like or agree with what the counselor could say. Or we could both like and agree with what they could say, but it doesn’t help us at all. Would seeing a counselor really help to ensure that we could have a child on our own without going to see a doctor?

I’m so afraid to bring this up with Tom. To him, his weekend will be ruined if I do. Why does he have to see it that way, though? I thought that it’s natural for two people who want the same thing to discuss stuff like this and talk about doing whatever it took and talk about the things they like or are interested in all they want. I mention the singing to him constantly and it doesn’t bother him. We’ve discussed all kinds of things that the two of us could do to try to make the business take off as well as to get me known as the singer I’ve always wanted to be and it’s never seemed to upset him in any way. I swear I could talk about the singing triple the amount of time I talk about the kid and it wouldn’t upset him. If I ask him if there’s something he could please do to help with the singing, he does it. He puts his actions where his mouth is. What’s the difference? He knows they both mean a lot to me. He’s always told me that my being happy is very important to him and I want so very much to believe that.

Should I ask him to try praying with me? I just hope that some kind of help comes to resolve this real soon cuz I’m stuck!!

Later...

At this point and for the rest of the day, I’m just taking it easy. I cried in between typing the pages about the shit that’s going on so I do feel a bit better even though the problem won’t go away. I guess there’s no real point in talking to Tom. I can’t get him to budge on this subject and it makes me ask myself, do I really want a child for a whole different reason? Do I want to make this guy do something he very, very very obviously doesn’t want to do? No. Do I want to have a child and have him say how much he’s looking forward to it just to leave me? No. People are full of surprises and it’s a chance I’d rather not take, regardless of how slim it may be, so there’s no point in talking to him or my doing anything so we can have a baby.