I haven’t been writing nearly as much as I’d like to, but now I’m gonna catch up.

First, though, I got a letter from Kim today, as well as one from Bob. Kim also sent me a letter she got from Bob that was so funny. Not funny by him cuz he wrote the same old shit. What was funny is how Kim added her own words to it. Her comments in Bob’s letter were pretty funny and I’ll be sending Andy the letter eventually so he can post it in his laundry room.

Speaking of Andy, he should be calling me back at any moment.

Later...

A couple of days ago Andy called me telling me he had stress and anxiety like never before. The bulk of it is due to his life. He’s broke and is very lonely. He said he felt like he wanted to take some kind of medication for it. I told him that it’s his life and it’s his body, but I reminded him why I don’t approve of shit like that. To me, shrinks are no better than street drug dealers. Also, you get physically and psychologically addicted to the shit and while you’re taking it the problems are still there. Not to mention all the side effects that go with it. It’s hard, but I’d rather try to find anything I could to make a tough time easier to deal with.

So, I told him to call the crisis center if he really feels like he’s gonna freak. I got him laughing at one point when I said, “Just don’t tell him you see snow outside or that you’ve got your Superman outfit on and are gonna jump off of the high school roof.”

I also told him that he can find places where he can see a therapist for free due to him not making hardly any money. I think he qualifies for Access. I know it’s not the best medical plan in the world, but it’s better than nothing. So, he’s got an appointment to see a therapist for free in Mesa and he’s gonna apply for Access. He wants to see a doctor to see if he’s got something wrong with him or if what he’s feeling is all stress-related.

Tom and I are doing OK. I still feel my life would be pretty near perfect if Tom could cum and we could have a kid. Better yet, it’d be pretty near perfect if he could cum and I didn’t want a kid.

I doubt it, but could Tom be gay? It seems very unlikely and he knows that I’m the last person who’d freak out on him if he told me so if it were true. I just don’t know what to do anymore. If I try I get no results, if I don’t try I get no results, and I really believe that if I said nothing about it, he’d still be up to his same old tricks 5 years from now. And then at that time he still wouldn’t want to see a doctor about it. I never thought I’d want to see someone about it since I’ve always been superstitious and against stuff like that. I don’t always believe in changing the way God’s made us (if He really does exist).

He told me the other day that he does tell me the truth and that’s if he’s said anything that hasn’t come true, it wasn’t intentional. He said that he’s not out to get me, he doesn’t have a plan as to when to cum, he does want a kid, he doesn’t want to change or make me into something, and he’s not holding back.

I want more than anything to believe this, but what am I supposed to think? Then again, maybe it’d be scarier to think that there could be a very slight chance that he does have a real mental block. Cuz usually, if you’ve had a problem like that for as long as he, then it won’t go away without someone else’s help. If this were God forbid the case and if he ever did get over his embarrassment and decided to seek professional help, God only knows how many years he’d let pass before he did this.

I told him the other day to think about how he said that our insurance pays for stuff like this cuz it plays on couples’ minds psychologically and it’s playing on my mind. And that his being in denial is hurting me and making me feel like my dreams are being taken away if all’s really OK with me. But he said he knows in his mind that things will change. How many more months is he going to keep saying that?! He may be kidding himself, but he’s not kidding me. He says that he’s constantly true to himself as well as to me, but I’ll tell you one thing, I’m getting closer and closer to asking about that injection!

He also said that it’s not that our sex before we began sleeping together didn’t count. He said it was always great, he just didn’t know it’d be this great and says the difference between the two makes the sex we had before sleeping together seem like nothing. I can believe and accept that one, but I still feel the same way I’ve always felt about it. I wrote in these journals how it wouldn’t change him before we did sleep together, and I was right.

Also, shortly after I got up on Sunday, I said I had a proposition for him and suggested that we agree on a timeframe of seeing that things won’t change and then we go to a doctor. Not only did he not agree to a date which would’ve been something like 3-5 years anyway, but he was upset about it and didn’t talk to me for nearly an hour. He said it ruined his day and his opportunity to initiate sex with me.

How does and should a simple question ruin someone’s day and chance to initiate sex with someone? To me, it’s just another one of his stupid excuses. Does he think I’m stupid? Well, I’m not. Talk about a kid turns him off sexually. Now what would that tell someone? Wouldn’t it tell that person that this is someone that does not want a kid if it’s got to turn off their appetite for sex?