I should’ve fucking known better! Why the fuck did I have to go and tell Tom? Why? I ruined everything. I thought maybe, just maybe he’d understand. Instead, I did a really horrible thing, I broke our agreement which is off, he says, and also that there is no “us” right now even though we both gave our word that we would be married for life, not to mention all the other mean and untrue things he said.

I made the phone call cuz I felt like I was gonna freak and maybe do something stupid. All I wanted was someone to talk to and to calm down. I didn’t want to call him at work or involve Andy, Tammy or anyone else that we know. All I wanted was someone’s opinion, yet he says I’m lying to myself over the reasons why I called and he can’t trust me and I’ve lost a big part of him.

Over a phone call? Over a stupid phone call that I really wish to hell I never made, we have to throw it all away? The agreement and God knows what else? I know he’s doing this to punish me.

He said part of our agreement was to not talk to anyone till April of ‘97 if we had no luck on our own. I knew that but I didn’t know that meant not talking to someone at a medical info line. I didn’t set up a doctor’s appointment. He tells me that he doesn’t get his way, yet if I step out of line, it’s over and he has to dwell on it for days. Can’t he say to himself, “She didn’t mean to hurt me, made an honest mistake that she says she won’t make again, but we can just move on?”

He tells me to move forward after a bad day or thing has occurred and not to throw things away if I’ve made a mistake, but yet we can’t continue with our agreement. We have to come up with a whole new agreement which is so stupid and unnecessary. Knowing him he’ll make it April of ‘98 to punish me, even though he insists he wouldn’t punish me, doesn’t want to blame anyone, etc. Well, I sure feel blamed. Right now I feel like everything’s my fault and I fucked up this marriage even though I’d never try to. Can you imagine if I were to deliberately try to fuck up this marriage? I wouldn’t have to try hard at all now, would I?

What hurtful untrue things did he say? Well, according to him he makes 90% of his meals which is really more like 40% - 50%. And he says that I do for me and he does for us. Then why do I constantly ask if he needs anything or would like me to do anything? Why do I cook for him? Why do I do the grocery list? Why do I clean the house? The house that he also lives in. Why did I do the signing stuff? Why did I do a lot of things that I could go on and on with? Who does he think he’s kidding?

Not surprisingly at all (probably cuz this woman was right) he said this woman I spoke to was a quack for telling me what she thought of the situation without knowing all the facts. I told him she did say that she’s no expert in the matter, doesn’t know all there is to know about us and can only offer her theories about the matter. He said the reason why he was afraid of my going to a counselor is cuz he’s afraid they’ll want to drug me up and that’ll shatter my life after I’ve made so much progress. But this makes no sense! Why would they want to drug me up?

He says I believe authority figures. Well, let me set the record straight - if there’s anyone I don’t trust it is authority figures, and if a doctor suggested meds to me, I’d just walk out of their office. Not go off the deep end.

It’s not that I ever wanted to see a counselor and thought that that would necessarily be the answer to our problems cuz I believe that only we can work this out and that if we can’t, a therapist isn’t gonna do it. A medical doctor would do it. One that can get his sperm into me somehow, but trust me on this one, never before have I felt this turned off by this man in almost every way you can imagine. I don’t want to have sex with him, I don’t want to be a singer, I don’t want to have a kid. I don’t want to do anything but stay just the way I am. I may as well have his attitude and say hey, I made a mistake singing yesterday, so fuck it. I’ll just throw it away. I don’t want to do anything with him right now and I really think I’ll be feeling that way for a long time. I don’t even want to sit in the same room with the guy right now. According to him, I’m mean, selfish, unloving and on and on. Well, I have no desire to get close to or do anything with someone that says this. How dare he say I lie to myself while he lies to my face with such comments like “I do for me and he does for us.”

Never before have I been so determined to keep my mouth shut when the tiniest thing is bothering me. It’s worth exploding over by keeping it bottled up. I’ll never call no medical info line, I’ll never call no crisis center and I’ll certainly never talk to him. I really feel like he’s treating me like I killed someone. I may as well have done just that!

Meanwhile, he says that nothing he feels has changed with him. That’s funny that he could say that after saying our agreement’s off. That really makes me feel that he just may be telling the truth about wanting a kid. What it really tells me is that he’s told me the truth and has confessed to me that my doubts about him were true.

I just hope he goes out today and stays far the hell away from me. Even if he woke up and told me he jumped the gun and that we should move forward and forget what was an honest mistake on my part - no way! And personally? I don’t feel that phone call was a mistake. I feel it was a mistake to tell him about it. That’s for damn sure. Meanwhile, I had a right to seek information and opinions. I didn’t publish my fears, doubts and questions in a newspaper. I called a medical nurse.

Later...

I just listened to music for a little bit, but my stomach’s really bothering me. I can’t seem to #2 right now, even though I feel like I need to.

He just got up, I don’t feel like talking and am still pretty tired. I think I’ll go lie down.

Later...

Mr. Can’t Do No Wrong is up now. Now here’s a classic example of doing for oneself, but not for both of us. He told me a few days ago that he was gonna go on the Slim-Fast diet today. He did. It’s funny, though, how he can stick to that. That’s more important than our agreement.

This morning he asked if he could get me anything and if I wasn’t going to talk to him. I just told him that there was nothing to say. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to talk about anything.

Later...

Tom just left to go do that electrical work for Evelyn. He told me that he canceled his work tomorrow with Eldon, but didn’t mention the 5th. All he mentioned was having to call him back. He tried this morning, but couldn’t get ahold of him.

Anyway, we did end up talking some more cuz I know that’s what he wanted. I’ll still always end up regretting it and wishing I’d kept my mouth shut.

He still sees me as selfish, spoiled and that what I did yesterday was wrong and breaking our agreement. I see it as trying to help us and what’s wrong with a couple trying to get help sooner than later? I wasn’t making an appointment to see a doctor. Yes, he insists that what I did was as good as doing that cuz I was trying to help us sooner. What’s wrong with trying to help us sooner to ensure that all the more we wouldn’t have to go to a doctor? I can’t help the way I feel about it and he said I have a right to feel the way I feel about it. Yet, in the next breath, he said the problem was that I still believed that what I did was OK. I swear I’ll never do another thing to try to help us. He still insists that he wants a kid, that we could’ve had one by now and that we will, but I really think this is his way of letting me know that I was right about suspecting that he didn’t want one and to him, this is a way out of it.

There’s always no opportunity for him. There’s always an excuse for him. This is what I get for praying? Yesterday after I spoke to the woman, I was still crying and I finally got up the nerve to pray after the OJ verdict for God to help us. Instead, the situation only gets worse. He says I blame God for a lot of shit and don’t take responsibility for my own actions. But I do believe God plays a part in a lot of the things in our lives, and I do take responsibility for my own actions. I never blamed anyone for the prank phone calls I’ve made whether or not the person I was calling shit on me or if they were total strangers. I picked up that phone all by myself and I never denied that or stuff I’ve chosen to do by myself whether they were right or wrong.

He says that neither of us should put time frames on stuff and that that’s wrong. Then why is it OK to put the September of ‘96 timeframe on when I’d have a CD out? What’s the difference?

It gets more bizarre. He told me he didn’t like our April of ‘97 agreement. Then why did he make it? I’m so sick of him denying things he says or him going back on his word. He said it was a compromise and that he felt it was the only thing we could do to get what we want. To get what we want, he can just cum, you know. That’d help, but can you understand how I no longer want a child with him? I told him I’d still have one if he ever decides he really wants that and is willing to put his actions where his mouth is, cuz I want to make him happy and the only way he seems to be happy, is if I do what he wants. I thank God that he’ll never cum no matter what I do or don’t say, I will not have a child with this man and I will not step foot into a doctor’s office even if he were to get down on his knees and beg me. We have enough to fight about as it is. There’s no way I’ll involve a child in it or live with the fears I’ll have about it if we did have a child. I refuse to give this man a child. He can have anything else he wants from me, but no child! I refuse to do anything to help us or discuss it, cuz it’ll only start fights.

He says I take fits cuz I can’t get what I want. He’s the one standing in the way of what I want. He took and ruined my dreams of having a child. I can’t see anything changing my mind about it now. Not at this point. He can play this game and lie to me all he wants about it. He tells me that my doubts and paranoias about him are all in my head. Are they? He could’ve fooled me. He has the nerve to say that my refusing to have a child is taking his desire to have a child away while I’ve told him that that’s what I want and he says he wants it too, then he doesn’t deliver. I feel that I’ve done all I can do to help us both and there’s nothing more I can do. I can’t make him cum or force him to give us a child.

He says he thought our sex life was getting better. He could’ve fooled me on that one, too.

I do want to follow through with the singing and the business but am afraid he’ll back out of it. I just can’t buy one thing he says to me. Not about the business, not about the singing, or the back room, or the bee machine, or the cigarette machine, and certainly not the kid. He just has too many goddamn mother-fucking excuses!

From now on, I’m just gonna keep my mouth shut, forget about my dreams and just go along with whatever he does. I’m tired of him never doing what he says he’s gonna do. I’m tired of him denying things I know he did say. I’m tired of him going back on his word and contradicting me. He swears this isn’t my fault, yet he may as well come out and tell me that everything is my fault. Sometimes I think that I’m nothing but a fuck-up and I’m the one that’s ruining this marriage, other times I think it’s him. Well, it’s getting more and more obvious that he’s been full of shit about the things he said he or we were gonna do. I’m completely powerless. He has all the power and control.

Later...

I just got done watching the bulk of a movie, then I’ll be taping another one. The liar will be home around noon. I think I’ll go work on 99 now.

Later...

Tom came home a couple of hours ago and said that since he’s had a chance to calm down he’d really like to continue on with making the marriage work as well as our dreams. I agree that I’d like the marriage to work, I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I feel that the dreams are in his hands and up to him.

Anyway, we’re both feeling a bit better and now I’ll go do some more work on 99 till he returns from picking up what he’s picking up for himself at Arby’s and for me at KFC.

It’s funny, though, cuz just the other day I wanted to type but couldn’t think of anything to really say. I guess that’s all changed between today and yesterday. One more thing before I go. I asked Tom why it’s OK to have a time frame set for the CD which is September of ‘97, not ‘96. I made a mistake on the year. He said that it’s OK to put time frames on certain things and other things it’s not good to do that cuz it puts pressure on him. Everyone’s different as to what is a good thing to put a time frame on and what isn’t. I’ll just go along with what he wants time frames on and what he doesn’t, cuz I feel that that’s pretty much the only way it can be. He also told me what the difference between a goal and a deadline was in his opinion.

I still say that the bottom line is that I feel that in order to stay with this man that I love for the rest of my life, that does mean never having a kid. I’m not saying he’s not worth it, I’m just saying I’ll always feel he was full of shit about having a kid till the day I die.

He also insisted that I refuse to be proven wrong as far as how I say we can’t ever have a kid for whatever reason or reasons. I think he’s using that as an excuse to cover for his never intending to cum. Among other excuses, too.

Later...

Tom just showed me a couple of really cool things on the computer. He showed me how to get back one keystroke or one click of the mouse that you deleted. I wish I had known that today when I accidentally hit the enter key on one of the page numbers. It caused the computer to crash when I did that, but luckily I didn’t save it that way and after I re-booted my stuff came up just the way it was supposed to be. Before it was mixed up.

Also, I was wrong in saying that Tom never touches those magazine articles I typed up for him. He says he doesn’t use them a lot but he does here and there and he did today to show me how to index some stuff and how the hidden text thing works.

It’s so cool how you can hide stuff within a document. For example, if I’m typing a story, I can leave notes to myself and mark them hidden. Then if I want to check my notes, I can display any hidden text.

Right now he’s working on the TV descrambler.