I don’t believe it, but then again I do. The week before last they aired the first new Law & Order show with the new pig. Last week it wasn’t on due to some special. This week’s TV guide said the second new show would be on, but no. They had to put on an old show instead.

Tom and I are doing better, but there are still a few things that bug me and confuse me. What else is new, huh? It seems the more I ask him to do little things, the less he does them. I asked him nicely at a time when he wasn’t busy if he could please bleach the kitchen sink since bleach bothers me. He said he would, but I know him. I know him. He hasn’t done it and he never will as long as I mention it. Maybe he likes to be asked the same thing a few times around. Maybe he just doesn’t care. The bulk of his words just don’t go with his actions.

Last night I asked to make two compromises with him. 1. For him to clean the back room if my parents ever came out, and I’d smoke outside unless it was storming. 2. For him to not trash the house if we ever move, and I’ll never smoke inside no matter how the weather is. Shortly after he got home and worked on the back room until he went to bed. See? It’s either work or sex with the guy. He can’t mix the two. I also felt like he was punishing me. Cuz I asked about the back room, he wouldn’t have sex with me. Yet he says he feels spited and punished? I feel that enough of the time.

Last night I woke him up cuz I was angry and confused over some of our conversations. He cleared up what I misunderstood, but was pissed. I agree I should’ve spoken up earlier, but I’m almost sure he’d have been pissed then, too. It’s like it’s getting harder for me to talk to him without him getting emotional. Our argument didn’t last long and things were fine shortly after. He was watching TV, then came in to turn his alarm off. Some of his behavior is still asinine and unnecessary. The reason why he turned off his alarm was cuz he had no intention of going back to bed which was so stupid and neither of us was still upset. I feel he did it to be more tired, so it would be all the more obvious that we were not having sex. All he needs to do, though, is just not initiate it. He does that a lot of the time anyway and is quite capable and good at it. I told him that if we didn’t have sex over the next few days, I’d try not to accuse him of punishing me. His answer was for me to try to remember that. See? That tells me that yes, he’s already made up his mind that we won’t have sex for several days and he won’t even wait and see if he’s caught up on his sleep to perhaps have it after work tomorrow. We’re back to the same old shit of occasional sex over shit that’s done and over with. And he says to move forward after a bad day and that the next day is a new day? He oughta practice what he preaches.

He says he’s not “evil” and that he’s not trying to deliberately dupe me in any way, but could even someone who hasn’t had my past experiences not be so pessimistic, defensive and paranoid?

Why me? I ask this again and again. Why do I always have to have some weird, strange, different or abnormal situation to deal with? Can’t things just be normal? Can’t Tom just be like other guys? I once thought I could never have even the smallest dick inside me, but 3 months later after trying, I got over it. Why can’t he get over his fear of cumming? Why can’t he get over this so-called block, whatever it is? True that he doesn’t say he can’t like I did, but I don’t see him try like I did.

I just can’t help but believe by his actions that everything he says is a joke and that he really wants none of the things he says he does. Not the kid, not the music, not the business. He says the Robin case isn’t over but I know it is. What about the business he says he wants so badly? If he wants it so bad, then why hasn’t he shown me anything to do yet?

And he isn’t trying to make me wait on things?

I shouldn’t have read my story onto a tape. First of all, he’s not gonna listen to it. Secondly, I should give him right back what he gives me. I should’ve never done it or waited for several months. I should’ve made it a joke like the bee and cigarette machine and so very much more.

Will he ever film me signing all those signs I typed up? No. I will never ever do any more big projects for him unless I want to do it. I don’t care how selfish that sounds, either.

Remember all those computer magazine articles I typed up over a year ago? He’s never touched them.

Later...

I haven’t prayed, so why the desire to have a kid is easier to deal with, beats me. Maybe it’s cuz of our agreement, but I like and need it to be easier. I have a very strong feeling, though, that if I said nothing until the end of April of ‘97, he won’t bring it up till I do. I also have a very strong feeling that if I truly decide by April of ‘97 that we shouldn’t bother, he won’t utter more than a quick “OK.” He won’t be urging me to change my mind. He won’t put up one second’s worth of a fight if I do say that. He won’t shed one tear or say, “Too bad.” If I truly decide to forget about it, it’ll only be due to his actions which shows he doesn’t want it. I can’t and won’t force him to be a father.

During a moment of frustration about a month ago, I said I didn’t want a kid and his answer cracked me up. He said, “I’m not gonna make you have a kid, so tell me if you don’t really want one so I can see to it that we don’t.”

Oh, but I think he’s done a fine job of seeing that we don’t since our very first screw. Like we have anything to worry about?

Two days ago, we finally had oral sex. He was in the bathroom for about 15 minutes before going down on me. Long enough to relieve himself, and he never wanted to screw.

Later...

I just left Andy a message telling him of our agreement and how Tom feels we won’t need to see a doctor, but I do unless one or both of us decide to forget it. I asked him to let me know if he feels we won’t need a doctor, we will need a doctor and go to one, or we will need a doctor, but not go to one.

Yesterday they put new carpet down next door, but I haven’t seen anyone there today. Just a guy leave at 8:00 this morning. They left there with 5 little kids and waited till now to recarpet? Especially with the way kids destroy things? Tom says they’re really having trouble selling the house so they’re doing stuff to improve it.

I forgot to mention that there’s a gorgeous, modern 2-bedroom house for only about 50 grand next to Tom’s parent’s house that’s been for sale for a year. Oh, how I’d love for the house next door to be for sale that long! I still have a feeling it’ll sell by the time it gets cool enough for kids to be out 24/7. Right when I go to do the block wall their kids and dogs will be raising hell in the backyard. Or maybe the kids will be out front. It seems that kids play in the front of their houses more so out here. The longer it’s vacant, the better, but as each day passes that it’s vacant, I fear harsher compensation.

For over a year I haven’t heard the dog across the street. But very occasionally (less than next door’s dogs were on their quietest days) I hear it. Coincidence? Nah - God’s gotta do something.

Tom says they may have gotten a rare and great deal on a bigger house if the M’s stayed here and that’s why they split. Yeah, she’s probably pregnant with the 7th kid by now. I still feel they may have been up to something. It’s one thing to have such a large family that you can’t afford to go anywhere other than to church on Sundays, but they obviously never even went to parks or places that were free.

Later...

Better one of us than none of us, but it seems to me I’m the one that comes up with ideas to help us. Would we be sleeping in the same room if I hadn’t thought to put the beds side by side? I doubt it. Would we ever go to a doctor if I hadn’t thought of that? Almost certainly not.

My smoking habits are still the same, but my schedule flipped back to days pretty fast this time. For the last 3-5 mornings, probably more, I’ve been getting up between 6-8 AM.

Tom’s home now so I’ll write more later. I’ll have plenty of time to since we won’t be screwing around.

Later...

Tom went to bed a half-hour ago, but that’s good so he’ll have 12 hours to catch up on his sleep. He might even wake up before 5 AM.

We discussed loading all my journals into one big file so the computer can make the journal index I had started.

Later...

How fucking frustrating! Why can’t I just be one of those who draws what she sees? I wish I could be like Nancy H and Tara T were yet I can very seldom do a decent enough drawing.

Now I’m gonna write about a discussion I had with Andy yesterday. He’s told me that he’s had experiences with déjà vu during his dream state, but very rarely of danger. He says it usually involves everyday stuff, but this dream was different. He had it a week ago, and I have no bad vibes, so that’s good. In his dream, he saw two cars plow into him at an intersection. He’s pretty sure he didn’t survive it and it appeared to him that it was painless and that his soul was released. He saw all this in his dream from an aerial view.