Now I can finally try to begin to catch up on all that’s been going on. I really need to make myself write during my tough times when my thoughts are fresh in my head. I’ll try now to go through each day and explain what happened and how I felt and why I felt the way I did.

I had a case of mild diarrhea. My stomach felt like a Theodur belly cuz I was nerved up and hadn’t had too much sleep.

One of the biggest factors that made me upset during different parts of the long weekend (yesterday was Columbus Day) was how much I felt Tom was punishing and teasing me with the issue of sex, and how I felt that the TV was more important than me. I told him if he’s teasing me with sex I’ll tease him right back. I asked him why he couldn’t watch TV for a while, then take 45 minutes or so out to have sex or at least just cuddle before moving on to do computer work.

So he went on to explain certain things about himself so that I could better understand him and he told me that what I do with that information is up to me. After all this time, he finally comes out and tells me that my taking the phone off the hook before sex turns him off cuz it’s another thing that’s too planned.

Everything turns him off, though, trust me. He said it’s not fun for him to have things be in planned steps. Like turning off the ringer, turning the fan on, etc. He not only wants sex to be spontaneous, but he wants all that revolves around it not to be so planned either. He also wants to not know where our cuddling will lead to. Meaning, he doesn’t want to know that it’ll always necessarily lead to sex.

I told him I do understand this but that there’s still always something turning him off, there’s always an excuse and I don’t feel he’s putting that much effort into upping the frequency of sex, yet he sits there and tells me he loves to have sex with me cuz he loves me and is attracted to me. I feel that he’s had plenty of opportunities to initiate sex at different times throughout the weekend. After he comes home from work, eats, unwinds and digests, why can’t he initiate it then? Why does he have to watch TV and do computer work? TV and computer work is fine, but if he really wanted to, he could squeeze time for us in between this.

I do have some very good and amazing news that’ll shock you as much as it shocked me. News that really gives me more peace of mind and has me feeling less at a dead-end and up against a wall. Well, I got him to agree that if I’m not pregnant by April of ‘97 we’d go to a doctor Now this may sound good, but I’m sure there’s a catch knowing him and how he loves to procrastinate. He was gonna mow the lawn Saturday. Yeah, right. At least he planted the daisy seeds. Anyway, knowing him, who knows how long he’ll stall on making the doctor’s appointment when we do get to April of ‘97? Also, who knows if a doctor can really help us? What are they gonna do? Stick a needle in his balls, draw his cum out and shove it up me? Nonetheless, this agreement has me feeling much better. All I have to do is make sure he sticks to it. He promised to and I’m gonna make sure he does keep this promise. Then again, I may feel in April of ‘97 that I’m pushing the guy to do something he really doesn’t want to do, even though he says differently, and let him off the hook. Maybe I’d feel too guilty to make him keep this promise. Not to mention how mad, depressed and led on I may feel, too. Or maybe the best thing that could happen will happen and neither of us will want a kid at all. Still, this has made it easier to deal with. I told him that the only thing that had me wondering was the fact that he chose 18 months. That seems like a long wait for someone that says they want a kid. He told me that April of ‘97 seems so long to me cuz I feel it’ll get to the point where we’ll have to go to a doctor, whereas he doesn’t feel we will have to see a doctor I know it’ll come to that point and by the time I can get him to make the appointment, get in to see a doctor, and hopefully get something done about it, we’re talking two years or more.

Then he goes on to say that I get my way with almost everything which isn’t true, otherwise we’d have a kid, we’d be in business full-fledged, I’d be a singer and all the things we said we were gonna do would be done including the back room which I know he never really had any intention of doing since day one, regardless of what he says. Maybe cuz he feels this way is another reason for him to deliberately stall on things we say we want or I say I want, along with forcing me to be patient and unspoiled. He tells me that I imagine these things about him, but up till now, it’s still hard for me to believe that I could have such a wild and active imagination due to his actions. What else would anyone think?

If he plans to cum at any point, at this time I’d say he’d start doing so at the beginning of ‘97.

The longer we go without sex, though, the easier it is in my mind to just keep it that way. I didn’t truly want to give up on our sex lives, but like I told him, if it’s just gonna cause fights and be the same old shit that’s not too frequent but filled with excuses and turn-offs, then I don’t want any part of it. He says we’ve got to break the cycle of how we screw, then we fight, then we screw, then we fight. Well, maybe if he’d make more time for it, not have so many excuses and turn-offs and weird quirks about it and show me he really appreciates what I do to him by cumming every now and then and put some effort into trying for a kid, we won’t fight as much. This does seem to be the only thing we do fight about, after all. That and his procrastinating and being a slob. I know he doesn’t appreciate some of the ways I talk too, but I’m not perfect either. I just hope we can both work on these issues together and make them better once and for all.

If we have sex before I’m mid-cycle next month, I’ll have to do my little test again. I’ll tell him I got my period a day before I really do and see if he avoids me or only does oral sex to me 14 days after I say I started my period. I know it wouldn’t matter even if we screwed when I was really at that 14-day marker since he won’t cum, but I want to see how much longer this already lengthy pattern continues.

Yesterday we got along much better and got out of here. We went to his parent’s house. First we went to get frames for two oil paintings done by some relatives of theirs who live in Michigan. They were beautiful and I’d really like to be able to do this. Tom and Ma said they didn’t see why I couldn’t with my ability to draw and Tom said that there’s a show that shows them do an oil painting of the same size of 12 x 16 in half an hour. I’m surprised that all it takes is half an hour. I thought it’d take weeks. I’d like to do scenery including palm trees, and cactuses, then eventually something like ballerinas, teddy bears and flowers. So, after Tom got them into their frames, he went out to help his dad work on one of their cars.

While they did that, me and ma hung one of the pictures since one’s going to someone else, and I glued a chain onto a stained glass hanging she had.

She gave me a thick foam-like thing to slip my pen into. This way, when my right index fingernail grows out, it won’t dig into my thumb.

She also showed me the kitchen seat cover she made. Their kitchen chairs are just like ours and I’ve been wanting to make coverings for them since they’re old and beat up. She told me there’s a place called Sass that has really cheap material and some of the elastic I’d need for the seat part so it fits snugly over the seat part.

Lastly, she had a big wide ugly oil painting of an ocean scene that had been on her living room wall since I’ve known them and she gave that to me to use to try painting on. You can paint over the old paint.

So, after we were there for a little over an hour, Tom dropped me off at home, then went back to his parent’s to work on the car for a few hours.

When he came back, we went to a bookstore. I got a really cute fish one with prisms on it and then a hard-covered one with a spiral side. I studied it carefully and it looks like I can definitely detach the papers, print them out, then put them back on the spiral part with no problems.