Sorry I didn’t finish up yesterday with our new plans. I was both too busy and too tired to post the entry, though I did get most of it written.

After Friday’s disappointment, I only went online long enough to break the bad news, then slipped into bed. It was not only the end of my day, but I try to avoid others when I’m down so as not to bring them down too, or give them the wrong idea. I understand how easy this would be to do even when we don’t mean to. Whenever something or someone gets us angry or sad, only we can really know the full story and how we truly feel about it. So if you’re not one of the ones to actually experience the situation, it’s only natural to find yourself jumping to conclusions that are probably false. Not knowing the full story is like trying to grasp flies in the dark and this can cause one to jump to conclusions that only pisses an upset person off even more. Not that I expected anyone to jump the gun and piss me off, but I was just too bummed out to do much writing and explaining at the time, and wanted to wait until I had a full night’s sleep.

I don’t know why, but sometimes when I lose out on something it can make me feel like a loser overall, even if it wasn’t my fault or anything I had any control over. Things that had absolutely nothing to do with house hunting ate at me, like my sleep disorder, driving phobia, weight… everything.

You’re such a loser, I told myself, wondering if I actually deserved my mother’s abuse even though that logical side of me still said this wasn’t true. Fuck the doctors and all the online medical reports that say there’s no cure for your problem! I told myself. If all you get is 2-3 hours of sleep before you have to get up for work, tough shit! Get up, get in a car like everyone else in the world, and go to work at the first job that’ll hire you cuz working at home isn’t “real life.” And don’t quit at retirement age. Quit when you’re simply too old to work anymore. All fears, phobias, and medical conditions can be conquered, right? So if you want to be a foot taller, then so be it! Even the paralyzed could get up out of their wheelchairs and walk if they really, really wanted to, correct?

Yeah, right. The nap I had to take yesterday from the exhaustion from staying up 18-20 hours a day for many days to push my schedule around for our waste of time house viewing was a reminder that we all have our various limitations, like it or not. Whatever’s up there may have me on a tight little leash in many ways, but it can’t keep us here forever.

Before I get to our new plan (details won’t be made public), while it still sucks that we didn’t get the Newcastle house, there were some negatives besides all the damn spiders. We know we couldn’t have gotten high-speed internet, even if it wouldn’t have been as slow as this, and the hilly terrain would’ve made bike riding horrible. And where would I ride to? Other than the pool and clubhouse, there are no stores or restaurants nearby to ride to with or without Tom anymore than there is here. There was nothing but farmland all around this park. So while it’s still a bummer that we didn’t get it, it wouldn’t have been perfect. Just close to it.

Unless God strikes us dead with a bolt of lightning, the new game plan should simply be a matter of doing it just like doing the laundry is simply a matter of me throwing the clothes in the washer. But either way, we’re giving notice by June 1st, no ands, ifs or buts. Like I said earlier, I realized we’re not going to be able to casually breeze on out of this place. We’re going to have to go crashing out head first. I don’t know why it’s so damn important to God or whatever the hell’s up there that I be stuck in places I don’t want to be in, but it’s been that way for the most part since I was 15 years old where I practically had to fight tooth and nail to get out. This is nothing new. Makes me wonder if I burned people’s dream homes in a previous life or something. But we WILL escape the Jes pest and his mutts!

Ok, so next week will be spent going to all the parks in the area and getting numbers for homes for sale by owner or by the park. I’ll take anything. Really. Even another small old dumpy single-wide would be ok because it will at least be ours. Tom still thinks we can get a decent doublewide, though.

Also, by Thursday of next week, we should know what our new credit score is. Once we know the numbers we can then talk to our bank about either a personal loan or a manufactured home loan, which they definitely do because Tom checked into it.

If by week 2, beginning on the 6th, the bank turns us down, then we continue with week 1’s tasks. If we’re approved, however, then we pick out a place in our favorite park and see if the park will accept us.

By week 3, if we’re still not able to get a place, we call the realtor, tell her what we want and see if she can find us anything. If the parks won’t take us, then by week 4 we’ll have to pay the Oregon scammers we’re still trying to dispute. It may be our only way in and we may also have to get a place we can afford to buy outright. That’s no biggy, though. We’ve seen enough decent places starting as low as 10K. Either way, the Jes pest is less than 35 days away from bad news!