I slept absolutely shitty last night and am a bit tired today. Not sure if I feel up to doing my daily run. For now, I’m just writing and doing some housework. I was plagued with tons of negative dreams all night long. I don’t get them either. Other than Tom working enough OT for us to live off of and things taking forever to happen, life is great. Yet I had dreams about how slow the move is taking, and a couple that may’ve involved me being in trouble of some kind. I can see the dreams about moving, but being in trouble? I haven’t broken any laws and my worst “crime” is that I sometimes say things people don’t like or agree with. So if these dreams have any meaning at all, I’m obviously missing the point.

Tom drove by an older yet nice park on the way home yesterday and if anything he’s even more confused. Well, I’m getting more and more frustrated and wondering for the millionth time if we should give up or just grab something we can buy outright right now. I’m tired of waiting on things like credit reports, to see if we can qualify for a loan, etc.

I can’t shake the feeling that something up there would rather see us continue to live like bums in someone else’s trashy old trailer, and if I’m right, that’s kind of sad and insulting. Even a bit scary. What could we have possibly done to make whatever’s up there be so against us?

I guess Tom is confused due to all the options out there, but I don’t think we’ll have many options in the end. I still think we’re headed for an old dump we buy outright in a park that’s not as nice but also not as picky about credit. As I told Nane, though, even that “dump” would be spacious and heavenly compared to this, and I wouldn’t mind not having mortgage payments and fixing it up. I just want a place that’s OURS and not some pesky landlord’s.

Alison brought up a very good point. Because Mary blocked me from her main account, she may not have seen the comment I left on her advocacy wall. I totally didn’t think of that. She’s also ignored my email and hasn’t appeared to check in on MO or my blog there. But if it weren’t for my highly intelligent, observant and wonderfully sane friend, I’d still be worrying something was very wrong mit dem verdammt hündin.

I thought about it some more last night and decided that this is it. This is the second time she’s walked out of my life and I’m not going to have people just casually breeze in and out of my life or only come around when they want something. I stopped hearing from her about two years before her release and figured she either dumped me or was ordered not to contact me since we were cellies in Phoenix. But then when she reached out to me on Facebook last fall and I told her I thought she’d dumped me, she said, “Are you kidding? You’re like a sister to me.”

So why someone that always told me how wonderful I was, how much they loved me, and that I was getting along with just fine, would suddenly up and cut me out of their life, is beyond me. But it doesn’t surprise me. That’s what Kathy and Maliheh did, so I guess it’s only a matter of time before I find out who’s next. My own parents started dumping me when I was just 15, so it’s nothing new. Just weird at times. Especially when it’s those you least expect.

First I was curious, then I was worried, and now I feel both betrayed and angry to have been discarded like an old dishrag. So if she reads my MO blog, she will know that I wish her well but do not want her back in my life. Part-time friends aren’t my thing and she’s part of why I stopped making any new ones. I have enough friends right now (until they too, disappear).

Despite having bitched about those with multiple FB accounts, I almost wished I had one too, so I could see for myself if I’d been blocked or they deactivated. I’d still be thinking something scared her offline if it weren’t for my informant.

I also wish I were telepathic so I could know what my friends REALLY think of me. But that’s never been one of my departments in the psychic world and lately, I’m beginning to doubt I’m psychic at all. Oh well. I’ll be around until they get sick of me.