No one tried to set me on fire in my dreams last night, but I sure was tired when I got up. I slept pretty solid too, for 8 hours, but felt anything but refreshed. After Tom left I fixed myself something to eat hoping it would perk me up. It didn’t. Realizing that even if I fell back asleep until noon (even though I knew I wouldn’t sleep that late), I’d still have enough time to do everything I wanted to get done before Tom got home. So I took a 3-hour nap, which helped a lot. Got up, worked out, showered, then did some cleaning and laundry. I also hand-shredded some soda boxes that were taking up space and did the grocery list.

The place is now the cleanest it’s been in weeks. It took me nearly an hour just to get all the hair and grime out of the bathroom yesterday after slacking off for too long. I guess I was just too busy dreaming instead of living. But no slacking off until and if we ever officially give notice. I don’t know how many more months or years we’ll be here, but we’re not going anywhere anytime soon.

Tammy left a message saying she was too sick to get to her appointment, probably due to stress. She didn’t sound too bad and I’m hoping they won’t need to do the transplant. Mark’s blood work hasn’t been very good, though nothing to get overly alarmed about either. I just hope they both get some serious answers soon! And Andy too, who has been having breathing problems. I think both Massachusetts and Arizona are lousy states to be in if you have any kind of lung issues. Humid places are probably the worst.

Tammy also said she and Mark thought the house we’re currently after is gorgeous and they hope we get it. Yeah, but as I explained to them, this is in the Rolls Royce of parks and I think they’re more likely to turn us down than any lenders would be. A year from now, our credit will be outstanding, and the Klam scam will expire if we can’t get it disputed. They have until the 22nd to let us know what they’re going to do about that. It’s sad that people would pay to spite others. It may not be much, but the rental company has to pay to keep their shit on our report. Still, we don’t want to wait a year to get into our preferred park when there are other parks that may not be as nice but are still nice enough. Tom intends to explain to the park people about how we’re disputing the credit and all that, but if they’re anything like what we heard they’re like, then they’re not willing to work with anyone who doesn’t have 100% perfect credit with a super high score.

But it’s such a fancy park that that’s why the space rents and houses are more expensive there. Everyone wants to live there. Yet they won’t budge on anything. The realtor that showed us the barking house said a lady tried to get in that was just a few months shy of turning 55 and they said no way.

I’m up to date as far as what’s going on but am still in the mood to write. So I thought I’d address a certain issue – anger. Andy and I were talking about it the other day. To me, anger is the third-worst emotion after fear and depression. It’s no fun at all to be pissed off, and I don’t think anyone wants to be that way or chooses to be that way. I think most sane people would rather feel positive emotions. In fact, I just chatted with a friend who suffers from depression and she told me she feels like I understand her. I’m not going to tell her to just smile or think happy thoughts. As she said, wouldn’t she have done this if it were that simple? Duh! But she still does try to help herself with doing things she enjoys when she can and that’s what I try to do too, when I find myself getting angry with anyone who’s ever wronged me in the past or something like that.

When Andy said that while he was sorry about what happened to me in Arizona he also found it sad that my anger was still as fresh as if it happened last year. At first I just rolled my eyes and was like, yeah, yeah, you’re sad about a lot of things you don’t get. But I can kind of see where he’d say that even though he – along with anyone else who didn’t experience what I experienced firsthand – couldn’t possibly fully understand why I feel the way I do.

As I told him, “lasting” more appropriately describes the effects of the legal abuse I endured, more so than “fresh.” It’s one of those things that like most traumatic events can seem like it happened just yesterday because it was so severe for so long. So yeah, something that severe and compounding really can seem more recent than it actually was. The effects are permanent no matter how many times you try to reason with yourself and tell yourself that those who victimized you can never hurt you again. No, it’s not like I expect them to jump out at me when I open the closet door (I almost wish they would), but the memories live on and so does the paranoia. While it’s easy to tell myself they would’ve hunted me down and harmed me by now if they wanted to, it’s only natural to wonder at times if those trees I heard rustling when I was outdoors was really just a deer, or could it be them, ready to shoot and kill?

I know some people would agree with my being angry and unforgiving of those involved, and that some would disagree with it, but as my therapist told me 12 years ago, “Never let anyone judge you for your emotions. There are no right or wrong emotions or length of time you should feel them. As long as you’re not harming others or doing anything to yourself that’s self-destructive, don’t try to stifle your feelings. Let yourself feel whatever it is you feel.”

And so I have heeded her advice over the years.

Forgiveness seems to be something many people can pick and choose at will, but it doesn’t work that way for me any more than I can pick and choose flavors, colors and music I like or dislike. It simply is what it is for me. Although I probably wouldn’t want to be in touch with them, I could forgive almost anyone who delivers a true, honest heartfelt apology to me. If you can recognize and admit you did wrong and say “I’m sorry,” I’m willing to put almost anything in the past and move on. I may not forget it and I may not want to be friends with you again, if I ever was to begin with, but I am totally capable of forgiving most things.

These people, however, are one of the few exceptions no matter how many heartfelt apologies, cash or other things they threw my way. No doubt about that, and I feel no shame or guilt for it. I don’t and I won’t apologize for my thoughts, feelings, opinions, emotions, beliefs, hopes, goals, fears or dreams and I never ever will. I’m open to ideas and suggestions, but in the end I always prefer to be true to myself and just let me be me.

Andy commented on how I once had good things to say about Arizona and now I see the state as dirt. Yeah, I do see the state as dirt. But I still have some nice things to say about it. I met some very evil people there, yes, but I also met some of the nicest people ever, including my husband. I often miss the annoying but cool monsoon storms at times. So I have mixed emotions about the state. Yes, thinking Arizona reminds me of the assholes that screwed me, but it still had its fun moments.

I guess they haven’t decided yet if they’re going to sentence Jodi Arias to death as I feel she should be to save the taxpayers the expense of feeding and housing her for the rest of her life. I would be both surprised and not surprised if she did get the death penalty. I’d be surprised because that sentence is usually reserved for those who kill multiple people, and because the justice system isn’t always very good at doing what’s right. But then I wouldn’t be surprised because she’s a woman, and Arizona, which is a notoriously strict state often in a barbaric way, is especially hard on whites. Had she killed a black man, that’d up her chances of getting the needle for damn sure.