So sorry for the people who have been affected by the Oklahoma tornado, but as usual, I refrain from praying figuring that if anything up there cared to answer the prayers, then why would it have allowed such havoc to be wreaked upon them in the first place? I still believe in fate too, and that if you pray for something that ends up happening, it’s because it was meant to be anyway, whether you asked for it or not. There are many people – including myself – who have at one time or another asked for very reasonable, fair requests only to be denied those requests. That’s why I believe that we can’t pray for what isn’t meant to be and we don’t need to pray for what is meant to be. Things are going to play themselves out the way they were fated to whether we like it or not and whether it’s fair or not. I hope those affected get what they truly need – help from fellow humans who walk on two feet and are willing to help them help themselves get back on their own two feet again after what I can just imagine has to be a truly devastating ordeal.

Anyway, I still don’t know if God exists and is just plain evil or if He’s as fictitious as the Tooth Fairy, but I need to focus on what I’m sure is real. The reality is that Tom’s picking me up after work to go see the 80s house and I’m once again wondering if it’s a waste of time. I’m sure I’ll love the house and the park and will mostly love the location within the park, but the interest rate for the loan we were approved for yesterday is a bit high. Also, we still don’t know if the park will even accept us. So I guess this house is 50/50 right now. I just don’t want us to put ourselves at risk again, even if it would only be temporary, and even if we’d still have a decent savings after the down payment and some new furniture.

We were talking about how 70 is the magic number for us. If he works until he’s 70, he not only gets a bigger retirement check, but I’ll be 62 at that time which means I get a third of whatever he gets. I forgot about that. We live in a time where the attitude is what’s yours is yours, what’s mine is mine. So I forget I’m entitled to benefits through him. If I didn’t officially retire till I was 65 (though I don’t know how you would “retire” from a home job), then I’d get half of what he gets. This would depend on how we’re doing at the time. The needier we are, the earlier I’ll retire.

I wish more cyber jobs would be created! But no one wants to work at home, so they never really pushed to create jobs that could be conducted online. Not very many anyway.

So why is Maliheh toying with me? Or is she really? I coded my last message to her to see if it would be picked up. But then I noticed her on my tracker yesterday morning and really late at night, probably when she got up and before bed. I did a little test and yes, she would actually have to open the message to send a hit to my tracker, but why? Did she just want to re-read it? Copy it for someone? Or does she know she’s putting out hits and just wants to remind me of her existence for some reason? Whatever it is she’s feeling, she’s gotta be pissed knowing her. I don’t think she’s capable of guilt at all. Whatever she feels, though, is her problem. I don’t feel guilty either, for telling her how I felt.