My Estrella Jail blog entry still gets accessed daily by various states and countries. It’s weird.

Had a very long, detailed dream about Kim and some Italian lady. I’ll get to it later. I’m busy today with this and that.

Had a dream last night Tammy left a message but that was a rather obvious and easy dream premonition cuz I expected to hear from her anyway.

That poor family is just as cursed physically as we were financially. God has just been so, so cruel to them. Becky’s having the migraines from hell, Mark needs polyps removed whether they’re cancerous or not, and Tammy’s lost 51% of her lung capacity. Furthermore, the insurance people are going to decide where she goes for treatment, not her. They could send her to Pittsburg or something. She feels like they care more about doing what’s cheapest and not what’s best for the patient, and I don’t blame her. Being just another name and number in jails and prisons is one thing, but it shouldn’t be that way when it comes to people’s health. Sadly, though, most of the world is based on money and looks. :(

I’m still hoping Tammy won’t need the transplant (I guess they’re going to discuss this in the fall) and that they’ll either stumble upon what disease she has or the right medication to stop it from advancing even more.

She was saying how Mark could eat and eat and eat and the guy still weighs nothing. No fair! I’m going from fat to obese. :( I don’t know if something’s wrong or if this is just how I naturally am nowadays, but I’m gaining an average of 1-2 pounds a month and if I don’t figure out how to stop it, I could die at over 300 pounds if I live another 30 years. The fat is starting to bury a lot of my muscles. After the move, I’m going to make one last-ditch effort to get to 120 (I can’t go much lower with the muscle mass that I now seem to be stuck with for life no matter how lazy I get). If I can’t lose weight I’ll see a doctor and either they’ll find something wrong we can hopefully fix, or they’ll tell me there’s nothing I can do about it and that it’s just part of aging, etc. The latter would suck, but at least I wouldn’t have to worry so much about what I ate if there wasn’t much I could do about it anyway. It’s not about looks for me in this day and age but about comfort and health problems. Since going from flat abs and narrow hips to drowning in fat, I fear I’ve opened the door to heart disease, diabetes, and God knows what else.

One of the first things Tom and I will definitely do when we get out of here is call Tammy and some others I haven’t talked to in centuries. We are definitely due for a live chat. I told Tammy to keep in mind, though, that it won’t happen as much as she’d like. I not only hate phones, but if you think I keep busy here, it’s nothing compared to how wonderfully busy I’ll be there! :) I swear, though, that sister of mine has become so like the old me who would happily gab away for hours every day. She’d do it even at 1% lung capacity!

Later…

We were talking about all the changes we’d like to make to the house, assuming the park lets us have it. Most of it will be done over a long period of time. The house/carpet/floor colors aren’t ugly, but they’re dull. The paint isn’t peeling and the carpet isn’t frayed and the floors aren’t scuffed, but I definitely want to refloor the kitchen, baths and laundry area, replace the brown carpet with pink carpet, and paint the outside peach with white trim instead of the white with brown trim that it currently is. We’ll at least get this carpet cleaned before we move in, and I can mop the floors. :) Fortunately, the couple there now doesn’t smoke, and if they ever did it was a long time ago.

We don’t have much furniture here cuz this place is so small, and what we do have is made for a small place. Like our little round 2-seater table. Really wish I hadn’t ended up stuck with these damn mannequins as they’re the only things keeping the place from looking “normal,” something I’d really like to have after years of living in ugly, dumpy freak shows with weird setups and all that. But they’re not that easy to sell, so I guess I may as well let them remain as part of the doll collection. Most of the dolls have been sold, but I still have quite a few of them, especially Barbie’s. But despite the weird shit I’ve so stupidly collected over the years, there should be some semblance of a typical setup when we get done with it. :) Still, I’m sure we’ll be the only ones there with 1 stuffed rat, 2 live rats, and 2 mannequins. I’ll probably know the most languages too.

The only room in this place (I hope Nane and Andy are right about the park letting us in) that I’ll want to change the window treatments in will be the bedroom. I want blackout drapes in there like hotels use. I hate sleeping with light, and half the time I sleep during the daytime, so it’s doubly important. The previous owners will probably leave the rest of the window treatments and I think they’ll be plenty suitable enough. There are huge windows along the entire front wall of the living room with sheer floor-to-ceiling curtains that are super nice cuz they let light in but don’t steal your privacy.

We looked online at various sites for ideas on desks, couches, dressers, etc., and then I accidentally ordered 300 sticks of incense, LOL. I didn’t realize the variety packs included so many sticks. The plan was to get just enough to burn while we’re still here as I don’t want to go smoking up the new place. I just hope we get in! Burning a few sticks over there won’t hurt anything.

Later…

OMG, I just killed the biggest ant I ever saw! I thought it was a black wasp at first. We gotta bomb this place if we don’t get the house.

I know they won’t but I almost wish they’d leave the glass table and chairs they had on the patio if we get the place. Not because I’m the outdoorsy type. I’m not really. I figure why sit out with the bugs and shit like that when I can sit in the climate-controlled comfort of home where I can go barefoot and not worry about stepping on things that could hurt me? I want it because it’s such a nice table that goes well on that patio and would be good for any company we may have.

Still not sure I want to continue blogging publicly (or at least in blogs known to my stalkers) after the move. I do and I don’t. I will have to sit down and make a list of the pros and cons at some point and then make a decision. I’d still share on FB and in blogs they either don’t know about and that are for friends only, if not totally private. This would mean dropping LJ, going private on MD, going friends only on MO, but continuing on with Tumblr unless they find that blog.

I had a dream last night Kim was in that was very long and detailed. It was weird, funny and creepy.

The real Kim isn’t very bright. At least not the one I remember. But in the dream, she was explaining in a very detailed manner and a way that would require much intelligence as to why they fucked up when making my artificial ear canal when I awoke at some resort or hotel we were vacationing at. I spotted her in the lobby where I was on my way to get coffee and breakfast. I pretended not to recognize her and hoped she’d do the same, but she knew right away who I was and that’s when she began her explanation.

I was hoping my lack of enthusiasm over running into her would cause her to take the hint. Instead, she followed me to the coffeemaker. Oddly enough, you had to pull out a large drawer to place your mug in below the coffeemaker and the coffee would drip down into it. “Why can’t we be friends?” she asked. “I really like you a lot and I miss you, Jodi.”

“You know why,” I said. Then I went to reach for my coffee and was shocked to find that the entire drawer was filled with coffee. I couldn’t see the mug at all. As much as I hated to stick my hands in a drawer full of coffee, I did anyway and fished around for the mug I couldn’t feel. In just a second, however, Kim swiftly reached in and pulled out my mug and then handed it to me. I smiled and said, “Kim, you just might be leaning toward a second chance after all, as much as I know I’d live to regret it.”

“Check this out,” she suddenly said excitedly. “You gotta see this.”

Against my better judgment, since I didn’t want to give her the impression we were friends again, I followed her to a table where her laptop sat. “Check what out?” I asked, as she sat in a chair and took hold of the mouse sitting next to it.

As I studied her I realized she’d gone from the heavy, unattractive girl I knew to one of average weight and looks with nice white teeth. In real life, I couldn’t say what her teeth are like because she never smiled in the endless slew of sad, mad, grumpy, pouty, bored-looking face shots she used to post.

She then explained to me that she’d written a program that not only traced anyone’s online activity from site to site, but their offline movements as well, and then she demonstrated to me that she knew the last site I was on right down to what I last ate and when I last peed. It was the most brilliant, sophisticated and utterly chilling program I’d ever seen.

Again she asked why I wouldn’t take her back as a friend, and trying not to show how rattled I was by her new program I said, “You know why, Kim. If you’d been just mean, but aware of what you were doing and capable of owning up to it and apologizing, I may’ve given you one more chance. But you’re too crazy to be reasoned with. You don’t know right from wrong, fact from fiction. Trusting you would be like trusting a mountain lion or a bear in the wild.”

Realizing no one else was around, I became nervous and headed away from her. The dream ended just as she’d reverted back to her usual enormous and hideous-looking self.

The Italian lady in last night’s dream was a different story compared to Kim. She was perhaps in her 60s, but very nice looking and stylishly dressed. I don’t know if we knew each other or if I’d just run into her, but she told me I was dead wrong in thinking there was an evil God up there. “Think about it,” she said. “There can’t possibly be any God at all and here’s why. If God was good, kind and loving, then how do you explain those with lousy lives? If He was evil, then how do you explain those with happy lives?”

Although she had a point I asked, “But why do so many people think there’s a God up there?”

“Because people need to tell themselves what they want to hear. Everyone wants to believe in some type of order and reasoning. No one wants to believe that things really do happen just because and for no reason at all. That’s just not good enough for most people. They want to be able to explain why things are and to believe that things happen for a reason even if they don’t understand them. They want to believe they can just ask for what they want and get it. But the truth is, we exist simply because there was a big old explosion once upon a time in space, and the things that happen to us don’t happen for any reason at all. If you get a drink it may be because you’re thirsty, but no God made you thirsty. You’re thirsty simply because humans just happen to get thirsty at times.”

When I woke up I pondered the woman’s words in the dream and realized what she’d said made a lot of sense. If God’s so good, then who/what’s doing the evil that happens to some people, and why doesn’t this “good” God stop it? Maybe we really are just as silly for believing in God, angels and stuff like that as kids are for believing in the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus. But WHY do we believe these things? Because we tell kids to believe in them, and then we tell ourselves to believe in God.

Maybe I really am heading more towards being atheist as opposed to agnostic. But could there still be an afterlife even with no God, evil or not???