I’m now starting to wonder if Mary’s claim of me supposedly having another blog to bash her in was bullshit. I first thought someone was impersonating me, but I can’t find anything and it’s not like you can deactivate on MO in a single click. You have to put in a request, which can take weeks. I have found nothing with my name or username like the one I have. So why would her little informant think it was me if nothing in my real name or username comes up anywhere?

If Molly’s been online at all, she hasn’t been to my blogs unless she’s keeping under radar, something I’ve never known her or her mother to do before. She’s probably forbidden to go to certain sites, especially ones where she does a little bashing of her own. I do have regulars in her state, but not her hometown or the one she’s been living in.

Had to block Lori again after stupidly unblocking her. While I usually prefer the more honest route, I chose to block her and let her think it was a glitch rather than unfriend her. If I unfriended her she’d want to know why and I don’t want to offend her or hurt her feelings by telling her she’s a fucking pest. Really, no one’s ever pestered me as much as she does. She rarely has anything interesting to say, she repeats herself over and over, and she just drives me crazy. She’s not unbalanced or anything. She’s actually a very nice woman. She’s ugly as hell, though. Typical of what I get showering me with so much attention. They’re always either crazy or ugly or both. I don’t need to ask her if she’s at least bi to know she has a thing for me. She made that plenty obvious. As I said, we all fantasize about someone being so into us that they follow our every move. Just not to the point of driving us crazy with 10 comments, 10 wall posts and 10 messages every single day! And when oh when are they going to be sane and smart??? They don’t have to look like they stepped off the cover of Vogue, but still… the same old shit gets old. Makes a person feel ugly and like that’s all they deserve the attention of, whether they’re happily married or committed or not.

Just minutes after I reconnected with her she managed to leave 5 posts and comments and a message in just a few minutes. I looked and found I could block her from seeing what others post to my wall since she loves to butt into my conversations with others, but I can’t stop her from posting or commenting on posts unless I block everyone from doing so. So that’s why I had to cut her off completely. She just won’t quit smothering me. A few times a week is one thing; a few times a day is another.

Had two dreams that we visited Tammy. Although my dreams don’t seem to mean shit anymore, it was a little alarming. For one, we wouldn’t visit her unless she couldn’t come here. If she couldn’t come here that would mean we really are trapped here indefinitely, although she could stay in a hotel. More than likely, though, it would mean she was too ill to travel. I also didn’t like how she shrunk down to nothing in my arms as we hugged each other when I arrived. She started off as her usual self, but then she was sickly thin when I pulled back.

Later…

“This is your home,” I keep trying to tell myself. “Accept it, love it, embrace it, and quit whining about what you can’t have instead of appreciating what you do have.” Yes, it’s scary to admit something up there can hate us so much that it feels we don’t deserve a home of our own no matter how goddamn hard we work and no matter how much we save, but I am still bound and determined to learn to make the best of it and focus on the good things. We may never have a home of our own that we truly love – just isn’t meant to be – but we will always have each other. Besides, a 55+ park would probably be even noisier than here with that many people that close together. Mutts barking out windows and while being walked would certainly have gotten really old really fast, and a community with on-site homes might’ve been even worse since they have yards there. They wouldn’t leave the dogs out overnight there, but what’s to stop them from doing so in the daytime? So maybe something’s actually looking out for us, IDK. I just know that it’s time to catch up on cleaning and shit like that, which I’ve stupidly neglected month after month, thinking we were getting out of here any day. We’re going to be here indefinitely. The sooner I accept that the better. Bringing myself to unpack things is going to be harder than cleaning but I can do it and I will do it.

I have been scolded for preferring to keep a journal publicly and told that it’s “sad.” And I am sad by the fact that so many people find my own personal choices and preferences sad. Aren’t there more important things to be sad about?

Actually, there is. What’s “sad” is that my husband and I can have 16K but no home of our own. The funny part was when we were out yesterday. On the way to and from Mel’s diner where he got an omelet and I got ribs, we went by some car dealerships. Some were used and others were for lease, but we were laughing at just how many of the cars we saw that we could up and buy outright if we suddenly wanted to. We are definitely, definitely not poor right now. Only in our living quarters are “poor,” LOL. The question is how long will we have money?

Another sad thing is how many people mention separate bank accounts from their spouses. I can see maybe one joint, one separate, but so many couples these days are so big on separatism and independence. What’s the point of getting married then? It used to be that what was his was hers and what was hers was his. But now most of society has decided that Tom’s money is HIS money, not OUR money. Does that mean I shouldn’t share my inheritance with him, or is it ok to do so because I didn’t work for that money? I can see having separate bedrooms for those who are light sleepers, separate baths, and separate vehicles, but the shit’s still BOTH of yours, for God’s sake! Shouldn’t what matters the most be that the couple has what they need and not which one “earns” it? It’s a good thing most marrieds are skipping kids these days. I would think this attitude would instill even more selfishness in what’s already enough selfish, spoiled little brats out there.

Yeah, it may be wrong not to work if both people are able-bodied and don’t really need the money, but if they’re happy and they don’t have a problem with it, then why should we? I just don’t get why it is that how other people live their lives can be more important to some people than their own lives, things that don’t even affect them personally.

I used to be guilty of worrying about others more than I should as well. For a while, I tried to encourage Andy to make more friends to fill in for when I wasn’t around on Ask since he’s more into the site than I am, but then I realized he’s a big boy. He can decide for himself when to make more friends and what kind of friends, just like I’ve decided (without guilt) that I don’t want to make additional friends. The cyber world isn’t much different than the real world. Most people suck shit on and offline with their phoniness, their lies and their judgmental ways. I’ve met a lot of sweet people that I hope to always be friends with, but the trolls and assholes out there aren’t worth the drama that would come with meeting more people.

I think that the only thing different about the virtual world is that we can’t physically reach out and touch the people we interact with. But other than that, what’s different about it? What’s really, really different about it than the real world? If anything it brings people even closer on a deeper, more personal level. I wouldn’t even know Nane existed if it weren’t for the internet. I used to write journals by hand when Andy and I lived in MA. He could’ve read it every time we got together, but it wouldn’t have been nearly as convenient as it is in cyberspace. He can go to my blog any time of day or night with or without me knowing about it. Those Fleetwood Mac pics he loves to collect; sure I’d see some of them on his walls when I’d be at his place, but when he has it as a background picture on Ask or a cover photo on FB it’s harder to miss. When I cut ties with him in 1999 (yes, I know I’m an asshole for it and some of you out there, even if it has nothing to do with you directly, can hate me all you want even though it’s been owned up to and apologized for years ago), it was easy to simply vanish into thin air without a trace. Online it’s different. You can delete and ignore people all you want, but if they really want to get at you, it’s a helluva lot easier to do so online. You can run, but you can’t always hide very well online if someone gets obsessed with you. If anyone knows this it’s me. But that’s my point. There isn’t much difference between cyber and reality. You just can’t hug, screw or kiss the person you’re in touch with.