I’m shocked, relieved and bummed out to say that we were outbid on the “barking” house. I figured that if the bastard above would be on our side with anything it would be with getting a noisier place since He seems to love to sic all kinds of extremes and flukes on me where that’s concerned. But now I know that it’s not about getting us into a less-than-ideal place, it’s about us owning. Period. The bastard doesn’t want us owning anything at all. I should’ve figured as much. Would He have seen to it that we lost two places in two states and have been renting for the last 9 years if we were meant to ever own again?

The realtor couldn’t tell us what the other people bid, of course, but she asked if we could bid higher and while we could’ve afforded to bid over the 15K, it wasn’t worth it for a 1977 place with no fridge/washer/dryer.

Tom said he’s actually thrilled because he couldn’t help feeling like it was a settlement. That’s WHY I went for it. I said to myself, well, we can’t get what we want, so let’s try what we don’t want. The house itself would’ve been ok, though a bit old and big, but I was very worried about the mutt barking out that side window every chance it got and a little worried about the field in back. It was just too close to the mainstream. Anything could’ve been going on back there and within the properties, you could just make out through the trees. Still, while you can get a place further away from the mainstream than that place was, whose place isn’t going to have mutts barking out its window if it can’t live outside? Almost no one chooses cats or to go petless over having a dog.

In some ways, the barking may be worse in those kinds of parks. You wouldn’t hear the same dog going off for 5 hours, but you’d hear more dogs more often as they were being walked down the street. Had they been allowed to keep them outside all the time, you’d hear the mutts next to you more often, but you’d never know Fido down the street existed cuz he wouldn’t be being walked by your house half a dozen times a day if he could just stay outside his own place 24/7. The only place that would’ve been peaceful (except for people stopping to pick up their mail) would’ve been the Newcastle place, but I knew good and well the bastard above that everyone thinks is oh so wonderful would never let us have that.

So when you can’t have what you do want and you can’t have what you don’t want, you’re obviously not meant to have anything at all. Tammy said if ever there was a loving couple that deserved a nice home, it’s us. But that’s just the thing. Our lovely God is backward. It’s those who don’t deserve things or don’t care one way or the other that are the ones being blessed with whatever. Nothing and no one is going to just give us a home and it seems we can’t bid on one either, so as I told Tom, I officially give up. I don’t want to look at any more places or even discuss them. This is where we were meant to be and this is where we’ll stay. Time to get real and focus on what is meant to be instead of striving for what isn’t, and focus on the positives of this place instead of always bitching about the negatives. Even though I barely have any room to unpack them in, the few bins of shit I so stupidly packed months ago will be unpacked and either set back up or thrown in drawers sometime next week. And I’ll just continue dealing with the slow-as-molasses connection. It hasn’t killed me yet. A lot of people in life don’t even have that much, and it’s still quiet here most of the time. I’ve lived in places MUCH noisier than this. The apartments I’ve lived in and the house in Phoenix were a total circus compared to this.

Even though barking is everywhere, I am a bit relieved because that mutt would’ve been even closer to us than Jesse’s mutts, and I never wanted to be flanked in like sandwich meat like that by other houses. They were probably closer than the welfare bums were to us in Phoenix, and we would’ve had neighbors on two sides instead of one. Here, I can breathe easier even if we may be cramped inside the place, and although I’d have been willing to give it up and use headphones, think I could’ve blasted my music there? Renting still has more advantages than owning. Especially when it’s getting harder and harder to get what your home is worth if you decide to sell it. What could we have gotten for that house if we sold it when he retired, 5 grand? 3 grand?

Tom thinks something up there was protecting us from making a mistake and feeling like we settled. I disagree. I think if it wanted to guide us to the right place it would’ve done so months ago. “We didn’t have the money months ago,” he said.

Fine. Let him waste his time looking for what doesn’t exist for us. I’m staying right here. That means getting on with my life… having the rest of my dental work done, getting my thyroid checked out, etc.

Later…

To think that something up there has had so much hate for me since I was a baby is a little scary. No, it’s a lot scary. If it’s really true that something up there plans what happens to us, I must’ve done something really horrible somewhere to have deserved the kind of childhood I had and the problems I’ve been faced with as an adult.

It hit me that thanks to being cursed with this sleep disorder, we couldn’t even have a dog of our own if we decided we wanted one. You kind of have to be available every day to let it out, you know? So the bastard has managed to take even that from me. So many opportunities and doors have been slammed in my face due to all the limitations this fucking thing has put on me.

Again, I’m just trying to focus on the good in life and to remind myself that being stuffed in someone else’s bummy old dive isn’t the worst thing in life. Another decade and we’ll try again when he retires. Probably get the hell out of the state. On life’s positive side, I have someone who loves me unconditionally, shortcomings and strengths. Unless they too, decide to dump me, I have good friends who at least seem to really care about me and accept me as I am. As far as I know, we are both in good health. As much as we are hated from above (especially me), money’s the last thing we need to worry about right now. So it isn’t all bad just because we can’t have a home of our own unless we want to settle for another dumpy old single-wide in a park that would actually make the “barking” place seem rather spacious.