Signing in exhausted and feeling more hopeless than ever. It’s looking like the waiting time may not have affected whether or not I get anxious, but it definitely affects my energy levels. Definitely need to wait longer before I have my coffee. Especially with the storms trickling back in that I didn’t think would start until May. It’s mid-March, yet they’re already starting to slowly ramp up. I’m hoping I’ll be awake the next time we have loud thunder so I can test some volume levels of the nature sounds I play.

We’ve read some articles that suggest Doc A may have been right after all because of the type of magnesium I take. It’s more the type of magnesium in antacids that you have to wait 4 hours before eating or drinking. I’m waiting 4 hours either way.

Anyway, the anxiety was even worse after my third dose, so I contacted Galileo and said that I think that jumping from two 88s a week to every day is too much too fast in my case. They asked if I would be open to three times a week of the 88s and I said I would be. Meanwhile, they said they would check in with me in a week.

I also have CBD gummies that will be delivered tomorrow even though they will probably be a bust like everything else I’ve tried. They’re not supposed to make you high because they don’t have the THC in them but just hemp which is what marijuana is. They shouldn’t have any sedative effect on a person, but with me being me, you never know.

I’m now back to thinking, yes, I did get used to the daily 75s if Doc A was right about the magnesium. If it really is a matter of me having to ramp up doses really slowly then there may be a tiny spark of hope for me. I first thought that I only was able to get used to them because my thyroid died around that time, but when I checked my labs from October 2020, I found that my TSH was 13.60 and the following April, it was 12.09. Not much different than 14…unless. Unless there really is a fine line between points. If anything under 14 is my threshold for anxiety, then I could be doomed.

An article I came across suggests I might be as well if it turns out that I was misdiagnosed. Or at least not fully diagnosed. The article said that infections as a child can call for anxiety later on in life in adulthood. Well, the fact that I was hospitalized with pneumonia as a kid and have an elevated high white blood cell count most of the time makes me wonder. It’s supposed to attack healthy brain cells or something like that, and that’s what causes sporadic anxiety.

There’s still a big connection to the medication. All those times I had problems when ramping up my dose can’t be a coincidence. And now I see that the skips I used to make only made things worse because I wasn’t getting a consistent dose for my body to get used to.

I just know I’m done with this shit in 4 years or less. We either figure it out or it goes away before I’m 60 or else I’m gone. I am absolutely not going to let myself suffer from this for more than 4 more years.

Do I think there’s a chance of it ever going away? No, I don’t. Even if the medication issues are finally resolved, that doesn’t mean there aren’t other causes as well. I think I was forever changed as of 2014 and there’s no going back. I’m really starting to realize this now. There comes a point and time where we suddenly realized that, hey, this is the way it’s gonna be and there isn’t a damn thing we can do about it, no matter how much we try. One day I realized I would never be a singer. One day I realized I was not meant to be with a woman. One day I realized that whether I stopped wanting one or not, I would never have a child just as I always suspected. One day I realized he wasn’t ever going to change in bed. One day I realized I would never lose weight. Now I realize the anxiety is mine for life. Only it’s so debilitating and untreatable in my case that I’m not going to do it for another 20 years on top of the 8 I’ve already done it for. If it turns out I do have this condition, there are immunomodulatory drugs a person can take, but I know I wouldn’t be able to tolerate it.