Gosh, it feels like I haven’t written in weeks! That’s cuz I’ve been so busy burning CDs. When I say “burning” that’s cuz that’s what lasers do. Been burning myself too, but one thing at a time here.

Tammy called and we ended up having a pleasant talk, believe it or not. She told me she was never pissed off at me. She just needed space and time to deal with Lisa. Fortunately, Sarah and Becky didn’t get beaten. Just Lisa did cuz Lisa’s not naturally his. I swear that all guys are the same. If they don’t beat or molest their kids, they ignore them. Lisa, though, is having suicidal thoughts and is in therapy along with Tammy to deal with the beatings, but even so, this poor girl’s gonna be affected by this for the rest of her life. She’s never gonna forget it. And what further burns me up is that Bill’s allowed visitation rights. This guy should be killed, but if he can’t be, he should be locked up and have no rights to the girls. Oh, how I’d love 5 minutes alone with that boy! And leave it to my folks to tell me not to judge until I know both sides of the story after I expressed my opinion about Bill to them. Yeah, they ought to love Bill. They all have common ground. They all believe it’s right to hit kids. Well, I have absolutely no reason whatsoever to doubt my niece or sister when they say Bill was violent. 

I asked Tammy how she could stay with him as long as she did if she hadn’t been happy for years and since the beatings have gone on for years. Her answer is totally baffling to me. She said she felt it was her fault. How can any mother think it’s her fault that some sick fuck hits her kid? As I told her, she’s not responsible for others’ actions.

Well, at least she’s making it and trying to improve her life and the kids’ lives. I could never make it alone with one kid, let alone with three.

Tammy’s also understandably hurt and angry with Mom for playing favorites. Yes, Mom’s always been into favorites. Sometimes it’ll be Larry she adores, then me, then Tammy, etc.

She says she’s through with Mom and Dad and had tried to call Mom on Mother’s Day, but Mom wouldn’t go to the phone.

She says that Larry told her that if Lisa has any more problems, she won’t be hearing the last of him. What’s he gonna do? Have Lisa taken away? I don’t think so. It’s next to impossible to take a kid from their mother, even if kids have more rights nowadays like they do. Anyway, Tammy’s pissed at Larry for saying she’s a shitty mom when he was a shitty dad. Larry may have a great sense of humor and he may not have beaten or abused his kids emotionally and verbally, but he was never home and was a slut and a half. He even admitted this to me and that’s why he got off the road and into business.

Tammy says Lisa’s upset over Jen’s freedom, which I can understand. I mean, I’d be a bit envious too at her age. Yeah, Lisa’s bitching about Tammy’s rules cuz she sees how at 10:30 on a school night Jen’s running around the neighborhood with no rules or restrictions.

Later…

I finally got to talk to Lisa for the first time in quite a while. She was in Natchaug Hospital for a while. The same place they took me. She hated it there and says it makes her “feel good” to cut her arms like she did. I tried to tell her that there are other ways to feel good and that when she gets that upset she should remember our promises to each other and go listen to music, talk to someone, and do anything but harm herself. Her anger is at her father, not her arm. Her arm didn’t do anything to her. I also told her that things do get better even when we don’t see how they ever could. It’s her arm and her life, but hopefully, she’ll get better and do what’s right. She swears she isn’t smoking, either.

There’s something I don’t get about Paula. If the state took Robert away feeling he was abused, neglected, and molested, then what’s Justin still with her for? Wouldn’t the state feel he was in danger, too? It just doesn’t make sense. It’s such a screwy system. So screwy, that I think it must be deliberately designed that way. If you ask me, though, if a parent fucks up with one kid, they’re gonna fuck up with the others. If she can’t mother one kid, she can’t mother any kids, and if they take one kid away, they should take them all.

See, this is why I’ve come to be so glad I can never have a kid and I wonder how I could’ve wanted one in the first place. Just to go through what my parents did and what Tammy’s going through? No thanks! But I was bummed out yesterday over God’s taking away my right to choose. I know God did the right thing and is just looking out for me. He wouldn’t let me get into anything I couldn’t handle and that’s fine, but what burns me up is that these fucking assholes never tested the DES and these quack shrinks, who were so obsessed with controlling me, never thought about my future, and all the while God sat back and allowed my body to be used as a guinea pig. He let it happen. He let them use me as a toy to be programmed to suit other people’s standards of “normal.” All cuz I was too hyper, wanted the attention my parents wouldn’t give me, and had far-out dreams of becoming a singer.

Later…

As I told Tom, I’m a very curious person who likes to know how things work or why they don’t work, and it’s my right to know what’s wrong with my plumbing if they can tell me. So when I’m 35 I’m gonna go find out. Then later, he told me 35 was too long and that when I turn 34, that’d be a good time to go to a doctor. Oh right! Like he really would go?! That’s what he said months ago, and he’s never gone to a doctor yet. So, I told him I’m not stupid. I know that when I’m 34 he’ll make more excuses to put it off even longer cuz he doesn’t really want a kid. Fine. He doesn’t have to go to a doctor. Not now or ever. I just want to go, with or without his support, with or without his going too, to find out what’s wrong with me. That’s all. I don’t want a kid. I don’t want to make a big deal of it.

His actions just don’t go with his words. They really don’t. We screwed around Sunday, which was boring, but at least he got in there, and he said for the thousandth time how he wants more sex. Yet yesterday he didn’t touch me. He could’ve found the time, but nope. So, even if I’m hardly ever horny and even if I’d rather take care of myself, I hate it when he says one thing and does another. To me, it’s all the same as lying.

Out of curiosity, I asked him how he could not want to go to a doctor if he wants a kid and knows something’s wrong with me. Doesn’t he think it’s best to try to fix something that he thinks can be fixed (he thinks I can be fixed, but I know I can’t be)? He thinks yes, it’s best to try to fix something he thinks can be fixed, but not that instant. Yeah, I know, he likes to put off things for years. Especially things he’s afraid of and doesn’t really want to deal with or change. So now that makes two of us. Now we’re on common ground. We both don’t want a child.

Speaking of kids and how much I hate them in general, excluding those related to me, of course, Tom said he was mean to the neighborhood kids yesterday. He said they were kids he’d never seen before and that he just can’t understand playing in the street. There were a few kids playing ball in the street that ended up playing in our driveway. Right in our fucking driveway! Such rude, bold, brazen fucks! What if our front door was open? Would they just waltz right in and play in our living room? Use our bathroom? Eat whatever was in the kitchen? I’m sure they would! So Tom went out and told them to go play in someone else’s driveway. Good for him!

Anyway, it was a miraculously quiet weekend. I couldn’t believe it!

Mama bitch, who went from being fat one day to smaller the next, wizened up and had her kittens elsewhere. So I’ll be seeing them once they get a little older.

I’m now the smallest I’ve been since peaking at 128! I’m down a couple of inches all around and woke up at 120½!! And I had had a setback, too, where I almost jumped back up to that famous 124. Well, I know it’s a bit fast, but if losing weight the wrong way is the right way for me, so be it. I’m still exercising and firming things up even if it’s not much yet and Tom says my craters have smoothed out, too. I’m also amazed at how regular I’ve been since not eating as much. It’s nice to see the old me slowly, but surely emerging. And what’s neat is that I’m charting my progress. When I lost all that weight when I was 19, I didn’t document it, cuz I wasn’t writing journals back then.

My allergies have been a nightmare! They were so bad yesterday that I thought I had a cold. I was tight and wheezy and had sneezing fit after sneezing fit. Nothing’s really changed since quitting smoking but our financial situation and my weight. I still have ridges in my nails, dry skin, etc. If I had known that I’d have times where my lungs still felt like they smoked, and if I had known I’d get so big, and that not much would change for the better by quitting smoking, I would never have bothered to quit and put myself through those 4 months of hell.

So far, I’ve got 4 music CDs made, one edit CD, and 6 killed. Yeah, I fucked up a few times and got the songs out of cinch. I’d get the last half of a song and the first half of the next song, all on one track. It’s so cool, though, and although it’s time-consuming, it’s totally awesome to have the edits on CD! Can’t wait to surprise Andy with it, but I’m afraid he’ll ask me to make a whole shitload of CDs for him, but no way!