I have a lot to say today, but a good chunk of it’s the same old sob story.

First, though, my mother didn’t have back surgery today. Instead, she’s trying a 7-day pill pack and if this doesn’t work, then she’ll have to be put out for the needle in the spine. Guess she’s really doing everything to stall having that surgery.

It’s drizzling out there now. Blackie’s still as friendly as can be, but sometimes too friendly. He claws and gives me little love bites I don’t appreciate. Bunny still runs up to say hi and get his nose patted. And mama bitch and White Paws are still hanging around acting as if they’re a part of the clan. They’re so damn determined to be loved and fed, but it ain’t gonna happen. Sorry God, but I didn’t ask for all these cats. Blackie’s enough.

The AC people came to check the ducts and all that and check things on the roof and give us an estimate. The thing will cost $2,700. I had him thank Mom for me when he called her, and I’ll call her, too.

Tom worked on the security door, too, and I saw the bitch come in while he was working on it, but the bitch didn’t see me. No freeloaders have seen me since the freeloader’s December birthday party that I know of. They may have heard me, though. Speaking of hearing, I know they had to have heard the activity going on over here, and if Tom’s right about them giving noise if they get noise from here, then I’m sure I’ll be paid back in some way shape or form. I hope they remember that that means they have to lose sleep and they must’ve when I’d make a racket, cuz why else would God have given me trouble sleeping there for a while? Just for trying? Just for hoping to wake them up and have them get the message? Maybe, but if I’ve got to lose a little sleep, which I’m not anymore by the way, then I will.

Later…

Here we go again. Time to play the let’s-wait-on-Andy game. I told him I’d call him back after I finished working out, and where is he? Tied up on the phone. He just can’t stay off the fucking phone for a lousy 10 minutes! Well, I’m just gonna go about my routine as usual. I’m not putting my night on hold for him. And if he calls too late, too bad. He may not have a life, but I do.

Coordinated my ass! Tom said I’d have no problems doing aerobics. Well, I’ve got news for him cuz I couldn’t do one thing they did. They change routines so fast that I couldn’t keep up with them. Just when I’d get used to one move, if I was lucky, they’d be off to another move. Half the time I couldn’t even see what they were doing from the waist down, too, cuz the camera would be on their upper bodies.

I’ve been on this trying-to-lose-weight trip for too long. I should’ve followed my gut instinct when it first told me I wouldn’t and couldn’t ever be thin again. Guess there is something normal about me after all. Your average middle-aged adult is heavy and so am I. Everything’s going as I predicted. If I could lose this weight, I’d have lost it by now. It’s mine to keep, plus any more that God decides to add on. I’m his little puppet and there’s nothing I can do about it but accept it. I’ll keep doing the isolation exercises cuz they help my back to feel better, but that’s about it. I lost about an inch from the hips and waist and that’s where it stops. I’m still gaining weight and I still have a huge stomach and huge thighs. I did all I could realistically do, I lost the battle which was never mine to win in the first place, and now it’s time to move on. I’m not gonna make the same mistake I did with the woman, singing, and the kid and let something I can’t change ruin my life and drag me down. I can still live a healthy, productive life as a heavy woman.

I’ve got to stop making the mistake of getting cigarettes thinking I can go back to smoking and trying to go back to smoking. For so many years I asked myself how I could get off of those things. And last night I asked myself how could I have started in the first place. And how could I rehook myself? Well, I can’t. It’s just too gross. It tastes and smells like shit and it upsets my stomach. I don’t want my old lungs back, anyhow. I wanted my old body back. But I can’t have it. Not now. Not ever. I’m older now and being heavy is a fact of life for those who are older and who don’t smoke. So whenever that or anything else gets me down, I remind myself of the wonderful things I do have. I have a wonderful husband and life. I have great animals. Well, I wouldn’t consider two of these three cats as great, and Tweety’s not all that great, either.

Later…

I talked to Andy. All’s still the same with him, but at least he’s now trying to get a job.

Later…

Good evening, freeloaders. Yes, it just came slamming in and the security light’s still dead.