Tom and I talked more after last night’s bullshit. I got the same old sob story and excuses. He tried to convince me that things aren’t always the way they appear. He said people do tend to get obsessed with believing certain things about people that they see these things in their actions and sometimes they’re not really there. He has a point, but there’s no way I could be that stupid and that wrong about his playing games in bed and about his fearing a child and not wanting that. I don’t know if he knows his true fears and what he really wants, though.

I just know that the more he wants something, the more he puts forth the effort to achieve it. He still claims he wants a kid. Then why has he shown the same lack of desire for sex as I have? Why hasn’t he gone to a doctor? He still swears he wants full-time sex and that we will have full-time sex. How many more years would it have taken for him to see that by his own will and by God’s will and by fate’s will, there’s no way in hell we could ever have had a full-time sex life if we tried? He’s got too many conditions on him as far as sex goes, and our schedules clash a lot. And the excuses he made in bed year after year just got way too old and too obvious too, as far as I’m concerned.

What’s his latest excuse for not going to a doctor? He says he didn’t see any point in going till we had this full-time sex we never could’ve had. When I asked him why he didn’t tell me when he decided this, he said he didn’t want me to get the wrong idea and think it was cuz I wasn’t good enough. Sorry, bad excuse. Say we did miraculously have full-time sex for a while, there’d only be a new excuse. Then he’d find some other reason to put off going to a doctor.

Then he had the nerve to tell me that our sex “didn’t count” till he was able to get on top. It never counts for him. Before he got on top, he said that it “didn’t count” till we were sleeping in the same room. Nothing ever counts for him. Eventually, his getting on top will never count. Well, I hate to tell you this, Tom, but that was a whole two years ago. It’s been two years since you got up top.

He’s the only one I’ve ever heard of who got hard and didn’t cum, then got hard and sometimes came. What normal, red-blooded man does that? One who’s scared of cumming, obviously. All I’ve ever heard of was guys who get hard and cum regularly or those who can’t get an erection. They can’t cum cuz they can’t get hard enough to in the first place. But any man who can get hard can get off. He got hard nearly every time we got together. Last night was one of those nights, though, where he just wasn’t into it and wouldn’t admit it. I got him rock hard by hand, but then when he went to go in there, he got soft. I just couldn’t guide him in there. He was too soft. We went through this twice before I’d finally had enough. I don’t know if it’s to cover his doing this when I was mid-cycle, or if it was cuz of me, but I’ve just had all I can take.

Just cuz I no longer want a child doesn’t mean that I’m not pissed off by the what-ifs. What if I still wanted a child and what if God would’ve allowed me a child, but not without paying for it and working for it by way of a doctor? I wouldn’t have stood a chance in hell with this husband of mine who’s got his head buried so deep in the sand. Who would’ve lied, manipulated, and conned us out of that child. So, even though having a child is no longer a dream of mine, I don’t feel like it’s a dream God and God alone stole, but I feel that he stole it, too. The only way we’d have had a microscopic shot at a child would’ve been through either adoption or a sperm donor if I was miraculously fixed by the doctors. The sperm donor would’ve been more likely since adoption rules are so strict. It’s no wonder there’s a huge waiting list for adoption and it’s no wonder there are so many kids waiting to be adopted. Yes, the world’s full of unwanted children, but they’re asking for the kind of parents/people that are one in millions. Most people aren’t rich, but they mostly want doctors and lawyers. Fuck the secretaries and homemakers. I still say I’d have given them bad vibes, too, and made them wary of allowing us a child. And also, I’d have been judged by my past.

What I’d like to know, God and Tom, is how many more years did you expect me to put up with this shit? Another 5 years? More? Well, my emotions have been strung out to the max with this sex shit.

Fuck sex! Just fucking fuck sex! I’m so sick of being hexed sexually. Anytime I’ve had sex, there’s always a problem. Brenda and Kacey wanted it 24/7. The guys I was with for more than one night all had their little problems. I mean, they were fucking freaks. Maybe they couldn’t help it and maybe I’m being mean and insensitive, but one had a weenie that was practically invisible, one had premature ejaculation, and this one’s so scared it doesn’t cum 98% of the time. If I had been straight all along, God, how many other freaky dicks would you have sent my way? Well, I’m tired of wacky and abnormal sex and it’s been way overdue that I empty the garbage. My way is that if I can’t fix a problem, I throw it in the trash if I can. Kind of like a defective object. If I can’t fix it, or it’s not worth it, I dump it. I couldn’t say to my cigarettes when they first started to give me problems, “You’re a problem, so out you go,” for 15 years, but I eventually took the old trash out and dumped the garbage. It took me 4 months to take out the trash and dump the NHA, and other garbage. Now it’s time to empty this very full garbage can and throw away the sex for good. I cannot stand it anymore. Whether or not I wanted sex and a child tomorrow, I will never again subject myself to God and Tom’s pain and humiliation. Never will I beg my husband for full-time, normal sex and have my emotions toyed with while he knowingly, unknowingly, or both, plays his games with me. Never will I hopelessly fight him year after year for a child just to see him lie and con his way out of that while God watches on and refuses to help me help myself or to help us. Sex can’t be a problem for me if it doesn’t exist. When couples have fights, they should do whatever they can to remove the source of the fighting. I just did.

Later…

I was right. I haven’t been able to shit yet today and I doubt I will and I’m up 5 pounds. 5 fucking pounds in one day! Once again, I’d have to starve completely to lose weight or maybe eat a bite a day and I don’t want to live like that. I can’t lose weight. I won’t lose weight. Period. Once again, got a problem? Get rid of the problem if you can, and in my case, I can quit trying to force my body to be what it can never be, and get on with my life.