Tom should be in any second now. He’s gonna get more recordable CDs and he mentioned picking up a pool cover, too.

I just dipped my feet in the pool and spa. The spa may be something I could immerse myself in, but I don’t know about the pool. I’d have to be really desperate. The spa’s always warmer by a few degrees cuz it’s so much smaller than the pool.

I’m still usually weighing around 122, but I’m psyched to finally have my waist down to 29½ and my legs are now under 23. Still got a way to go, though.

The freeloaders never took in their recycle bin from yesterday. I’m sure they’re still there, though, so I guess they’re just lazy.

I talked to Andy. So far, his new job’s going well, but he’ll quit or get fired. I know him.

Got a thank you card from Jen (now that I know she spells that with two Ns) thanking us for thinking of her and for sending her the confirmation card. She also enclosed a picture I’ve seen before of Larry Jr. and one of her. I would never have known it was her, either! She looks like she’s in her early 20s and truthfully, I wouldn’t have recognized her if she fell on me.

We screwed yesterday and he didn’t cum as usual, but it was much better for me. I used the vibrator before he got on top. This helped to get me off easier. It pisses me the fuck off, but I still get irritation down there. Sometimes it gets bad enough that it bleeds. But we hardly ever screw, I said to Tom, and he said that maybe that was why. Just like with the braces. Cuz the braces are there full-time my mouth has toughened up to them. Well, we can’t have full-time sex, nor would I want full-time sex. Too much of anything, be it good or bad, gets to be a drag after a while.

I asked Tom if he’d be upset at my saying no to any procedures to fix me if that were possible since he swears he does want a kid. He said that he couldn’t tell me for sure how he’d feel, but going by past experience, he’d accept me as I am. Just like he accepts my ear, my hyperness, etc. Oh, I’m sure he can get by just fine with our never having a kid.

You know it’s funny, cuz here I am not only blaming others for mine and Lisa’s problems, but I even have my bouts of self-blame, too. I feel like I started this arm-cutting cycle and that somehow, some way, Lisa got it from me. I know this isn’t true, but sometimes I can’t help but feel that way and feel that if I had been a normal enough kid, so to speak, maybe I wouldn’t have had to deal with all the funny farms, foster homes, schools, and pills to begin with. Again, though, I know it was my folks who copped out on me. Maybe I was a bit different as a kid, but I wasn’t a bad kid. I didn’t hurt anyone, and I wouldn’t have hurt myself if they weren’t so negative. They just didn’t want to deal with me, but when they did, they didn’t usually do so well at it. In a sense, they were victims too, besides perpetrators. They only knew what they were taught growing up. They trusted the professionals without knowing they were quacks waiting to brainwash us.

So, this is the last journal that I’ll be writing by hand, then I’ll just be typing them into the computer and I probably won’t bother to print them out. I’m not sure what my new system will be like. Maybe I’ll have monthly files or two months per file.