To my utter amazement, things have been quiet around here so far. Today’s subject to change, but as of yet, all there’s been is a little bit of door slamming and I know the freeloaders have had a lot of company as they do on weekends, cuz I’ve seen different cars pulling in and out. But so far, no ball games, no music, in fact, all day yesterday, from the time I was up early in the morning to around 6 PM, I didn’t hear one stereo cruise by all day. Not even Caddy Kid went by. 

Tom asked if we could get together yesterday. He didn’t know if I’d be uncomfortable. Yeah, right! Isn’t he supposed to be asking himself that? Anyway, we screwed, but the room reeked of his fear. He couldn’t even get very hard.

Well, whether or not we screw today, Tom won’t cum, let alone touch me till next weekend, and God too, will make sure we don’t screw during the weekdays cuz he’s gotta protect this oh-so fertile woman from conceiving! Hey, it’s just not my time yet! But don’t worry! God will let us join together and let Tom cum right at the right time and have us hit it right when it’s time. Right now I’m just too young and not ready. I have all kinds of other things I gotta do first, but we’ll be parents when the time’s right. We’ll hit it right. Someday.

Like I even want a child? Luckily enough, I find that more and more, a child just doesn’t matter so much anymore. I just don’t know if I want to throw what I have away when all I’d do is end up more miserable for sure. As soon as the curiosity and excitement of carrying, delivering, and seeing that newborn wore off, I’d become totally depressed once the reality of how trapped I was set in. And once I realized all that I had lost. No freedom to do as I please whenever I please. Fuck not having to worry about maintaining a schedule. Fuck having time alone with my husband. If I think not being able to sleep with him is so bad, imagine how shitty it'd be not to even be able to sit down and have a 5-minute talk with him.

To say more about how shitty things were Friday, just when I think I’ve curbed my fits where I knock things around in my rage/frustration, yeah right! I was lying face down in bed at one point when I let God get the better of me for adding inches to me for rebelling against how he wants my body when I flung my arm out and smashed my beautiful cactus/flower bowl, nearly broke the lamp that’s there permanently (if it weren’t for Tom, I’d be having to throw it away, but he fixed it), and got coffee all over the wall. That included my Bugs Bunny wall art. It’s amazing the dog mug didn’t smash.

Yet through it all, Tom still loves me and wants to be with me forever. Yes, I’m so blessed. How dare I ask for more? How could I even ask for more?

When we discussed how I feel like such a failure, he told me to compare myself to Andy. Andy’s a good person, yet where has his life gone since he left Springfield? I know I’ve made many accomplishments, but I still feel like nothing’s good enough. Nothing I do/have is ever enough to satisfy me. Tom says that’s good. Keeps me working towards things. He’s right, though, about my being successful, even if I don’t always feel it. Andy’s life is pretty much the same as it’s been since I’ve known him. Tammy’s just starting over at 41 years old. And her life ended at 24 when she had Lisa. That’s how it usually works. Since having those kids, that’s what her life’s been about. Just kids, Bill, a little bit of work on the side, and that’s it. And it’s still the same. Only difference is that it’s Mark, instead of Bill.

Before quitting smoking, I never would’ve thought that once I was home free I’d wonder if I made a mistake by quitting. I always thought that once I got to where I wasn’t dying for a cigarette every 5 minutes I’d never ever in a million years consider smoking again. But I am. I also thought quitting would boost my self-confidence big time. Tom said it’s normal to wonder if we did the right thing, and if I do question if I should’ve bothered quitting, it’s cuz I wonder - what would I weigh right now if I didn’t? Would I still be around 108? Down to 100? Where I am now? Or would I be around 115? Guess I’ll never know for sure, but it’s pretty logical to assume that no, I wouldn’t be 124 pounds.

Later…

I just took a bath and soon I’ll do my nails.

Can’t wait to see Melie tomorrow! Of course, if God would’ve let this exercise program work for me, she’d be seeing a slightly smaller version of me, but instead, she’ll be seeing a slightly bigger version of me. I’m not gonna let God win and give up this time, though. I’ll keep getting bigger and bigger, but I’m not gonna stop working out.

Tom found me a font editor (as part of our bet as to when the packages would arrive, and the kind of bet I knew he’d be willing to keep) that works not perfectly, but better than any of the other font editors he’s gotten. I was able to weed through and delete most of the duplicate fonts or fonts I don’t like.

Speaking of packages, we’ve got 4-5 of them on their way and an envelope of pictures and something for Tom.

Today I’m gonna do some proofreading. If I was smart, I’d proofread all the way up to around journal 115, cuz I did find some errors in some of the later ones when I was copying/pasting excerpts for the freeloaders. I’ll probably just leave it as is, though, and only go for fixing the ones that I know are bad for sure.

Yeah, good morning freeloaders (it just slammed its door and I just saw it pulling out. It’ll be back soon).

Later…

The sex we just had was very predictable. I knew he wouldn’t cum. Not at this time. Although, maybe if I’d remembered to turn the cooler on he would’ve. It was awfully hot and he seemed awfully close. So, unless it was for show to try to prove me wrong about saying he’s scared, is there some far-out chance that what I’ve been “seeing” every month is true? Could I really be OK? Is God just waiting for something? Nah, cuz I don’t “feel” it. I’d know if my plumbing worked. My woman’s intuition would tell me so if it did work. I can’t ever see a child in the picture, and I know that’s not something I could ever handle. I’m perfectly content nowadays to just keep things the way they are. I don’t want anything stirring up all I’ve worked so hard to achieve. And as usual, I didn’t get off. Again, I don’t know if it’s age or what, but I’m definitely not as horny as I once was (which is OK) and when I am, it’s usually when he’s not around, and it’s Melanie that’s on my mind.