Haven’t heard from Nane and didn’t expect to, actually. No problem. I have my hopes set on an even hotter hottie who’s just a town away from me. :) Do I expect to succeed there? Well… I don’t know, but whether trying is a waste of time or not, I’ve got the time it takes to click “add friend” to waste. 

Not yet, though. Not until it gets closer to my would-be appointment with her in December, unless anything comes up before then. The plan is to cancel the appointment sometime next month and then send a message briefly explaining that we had to get doctors closer to home and that I’d like to keep in touch online. 

What I don’t get is why I haven’t heard back about my lorazepam refill request. Did she call it in? If she didn’t and she’s got a problem with refilling it, then why isn’t she sending me a message saying so? 

Later… 

For the first time since Sunday morning, I took a chill pill. I was fine last night with the exception of a little scare when I swallowed a piece of chicken funny. But it didn’t go beyond the normal feelings we all get when we get a good scare. Then I had waves of anxiety when I got up and my heart raced a bit in the shower. Tom came home after that and we walked around the circle a few times, and a couple of hours after he crashed it started picking up again. So much for hoping the wax cubes may’ve had a part in it, but I’m not really surprised. As Tom said, it’s not being caused by anything external. While there are things like heat and loud music that can elevate our heart rate or anxiety levels, it’s mostly coming from me and I’m fast losing hope of ever beating this thing. I doubt I would suddenly acquire some wacky chemical imbalance, especially without any kind of medication or foreign substance in me, so it must be something in my mind causing it that is perhaps deep in my subconscious. 

Tom keeps telling me I just gotta believe and that as long as I don’t believe I’ll ever get better, I won’t. I get what he’s saying, but the longer I have this anxiety, the harder it is to believe. How do you tell yourself something will get better when 3 months later it’s still going on? The only difference is that I’m getting a little better at managing it. I’m not as quick to freak out over it. But telling myself I’ll get better after all this time is like trying to tell myself the sky is green when I see blue. I can’t just brainwash myself into buying into whatever I feel is best to believe. Logically speaking, things don’t stay the same forever. There are other things I thought would go on forever, but they didn’t. I thought we’d always be poor. I thought I’d be alone forever. I thought a lot of things. But I was wrong and hopefully I’m wrong on this, too. Right now, though, I honestly don’t think I’m tough enough to beat this on my own. I’m going to have to mention it when I see my new primary doctor and have her give me names of therapists or shrinks to recommend me to. 

I believe the root cause of this is the side effects of the meds I was on, but why the anxiety is still going on beats me. And why telling myself I don’t need to be anxious over anything isn’t enough also beats me. I suppose if it were that easy no one would ever be anxious in the first place, much less in need of medication and therapy. Sometimes, though, I just feel so helpless that I want to burst into tears of frustration. I know crying can actually help us feel better, but I don’t want to spend my time throwing a pity party for myself either and fogging up my glasses. 

Got a little drowsy and laid down for a minute… until I heard my rat “calling” me. Yeah, Hoodie likes to rattle the cage door when he’s ready to come out for his own exercise, along with the others, of course. 

In other news, I now have a brand new Kindle Paperwhite on its way to me. 

NaNoWriMo is just 10 days away and so I’m mapping out my plot for my next book and doing different things to keep my mind off of doctors, medication, anxiety and what-ifs.