Just like Nane dumped me in late 2010, a few months after we met on a language site, it’s my turn to dump her. It was a fun 4 years, but I don’t need the fucking judgments. Let her serve as an example, folks, that no, I wasn’t kidding. You wanna ask me something out of curiosity, fine. You want to judge and critique me and twist the things I say, I’m gone. Period. Life is too short to waste time on people like that when there are so many other people in the world. Although I’ll cherish the fun chats we had, I don’t need this shit from her or anyone else. If I wouldn’t take it from someone right down the street, I sure as shit ain’t taking it from someone on the other side of the world that I never met no matter how good-looking they may be. You’re a mouse click, a phone call, or a door knock away from entering my life, and it also takes those same quick actions to remove you from it. 

First and foremost, I don’t hate Nane and I don’t wish bad things on her or anything like that. But I’m me just like others are who they are and I don’t make any apologies for being who/what I am. I simply avoid those I don’t like as opposed to sticking around and trying to change them. It wasn’t that Nane had gone so far as to try to “change” me, but when I get called racist for not loving each and every human being on the planet, I get a little fed up. If having a beef against those who run around savagely beheading people or playing the race card when someone pisses them off makes me racist, then fine. 

It actually started with her asking about my doll collection. She said she wondered why I collected these dolls and figurines. I kind of blinked in confusion and thought to myself, well, why not? Still not getting just what it was she was asking, she goes on to say that she wonders if something’s missing from my childhood. Well, it certainly wasn’t dolls! We had plenty of material things and that was one of the few things we actually didn’t lack growing up. It was the love, lack of attention, and acceptance that was the problem. I’m not one to try to “hold onto my youth” because I know that youth can’t be ours forever anyway. Furthermore, there are TONS of adult collectors out there. I never could understand all the questions and problems with adult doll/figurine collectors. It’s like with Halloween. Sure more kids are into it than adults, but adults do have Halloween parties. Still, if you collect coins, stamps, or bottles no one ever thinks twice about it and no one questions you. As soon as it’s dolls, though, there must, must, must be something wrong with you if you’re over 12. Sorry, though, folks. I’m not going to trash my collection cuz you guys may think it’s “weird” or something from my past that drives me to collect. I’ve been an avid collector since 1999, with a 5-year break when poverty struck us down hard. I sold many pieces due to either getting sick of them or needing the extra money. I don’t plan to collect much more but that’s only because I’m sick of dusting them and running out of space. Not because you guys think I’m too old for this shit. I could actually make a lot more space; it’s just that I don’t want these shelves too cluttered. 

Again, though, there are numerous adult collectors out there. No, not as many kids, but enough. Some prefer porcelain only, some like vinyl, some like lifelike baby dolls, some like Barbie, some like clowns, some like ethnics, etc. I have a mix of everything but clowns. 

So even though she says she’s sorry if she hurt my feelings, I told her no, I wasn’t hurt, but I was feeling like she was crossing the line from curious to judgmental. I make no apologies for liking what I like as knickknacks and home décor anymore than I apologize for what types of food and music I like. Not everything has some grand reason behind it. I collect dolls because I like to. I’m fat because I have Hashimoto’s and hate the hunger diets bring. I don’t like to travel much (regardless of how we’re doing for money) because it’s a pain in the ass. I don’t have many in-person friends because it’s not important to me to have them. I don’t eat oranges cuz I hate the taste. I sometimes listen to new-age music cuz it relaxes me. See? Not everything in life is so complicated. So if these things seem strange for a “grown-up woman,” that’s your problem. 

Back to the race thing. She comes out and says, “You are a racist and that’s why I’ve been staying away the last few months. You’ve been making comments about people not being white or American.” 

She missed the point, but again, it’s easier to just not bother than to try to explain to someone who should know me better by now. Making an observation doesn’t necessarily make one racist. Any idiot should know that. If I decide I don’t like you it’s going to be because of YOU, not where you’re from or what color you are. I think this stems from my saying that it’s hard to get an American doctor here because so many doctors come from other countries as they know they can make so much more money here. 

Do I have a problem with immigration as a whole? You bet I do and I have no qualms in saying so. If it weren’t for so many damn immigrants coming over here and hogging our resources, my husband probably wouldn’t have had to spend so long on unemployment. How do you think it made me feel to see my husband, with so many years of great work history, automatically get passed over to one who’s either younger, blacker or from somewhere else because we’re living in a time when society feels the need to favor non-whites to make up for how rough non-whites had it in the past? Like my husband is responsible for that? Gimme a fucking break! 

If my husband were single and looking, a man would not be acceptable. Does that make the guy a hater of gays? Absolutely not! His wife’s best friend, a gay guy that’s like family that she’s known all her life, can vouch for that. He’s been over his place to help fix his TV and whatnot when we all lived in Phoenix and he had no problem with that whatsoever. Or his many visits to the house we had. Or the visit he’ll be making to this house in this state next month. 

Nonetheless, that’s how our society is. If a woman prefers a woman doctor, she’s a sexist. If a person speaks out about blacks rioting when they don’t get their way, she’s a racist. Does my not liking oranges mean I’m prejudiced against those who work in citrus groves? 

Well, think what you want folks, cuz guess what? Jodi’s staying Jodi. I’m nobody’s liar and I’m not about to conform to what’s politically correct or normal. I don’t strive to be unique and I don’t strive to be normal. Just me, is all. I’m not selling my dolls. I’m not going to hold back on saying what I have to say about certain people’s actions and personalities simply because the person may be black and it may offend people. If I acquire a rare illness or disease I’m not going to hold back on that just because you might not get it and therefore insist I’m making it up as an excuse to get out of whatever. A journal is to document our lives and experiences and the people we deal with throughout life. Whether or not anyone agrees with it or likes it is strictly up to them, but I’m not going to let it influence what I say and how I live my life. It’s ok to think I’m strange, but just remember that before you go picking on someone for not liking the way some groups handle things, remember you have your own limits and restrictions as well. Some of you do, anyway. I could’ve sworn Nane said she’d never date anyone who wasn’t fluent in German. But it’s not ok for me to prefer American doctors? It’s not ok that I’m not quick to embrace all the Muslims in the world after the way they’ve terrorized us and love to chop people’s heads off all in the name of their precious and fictitious “Allah?” *snorts* Who the fuck does she think she’s kidding? 

Doesn’t matter. I told her we’re done and then I deleted her. Will she fight for me like I once fought for her when she was the one to dump me? I doubt it. That’s not what I’d want but I am curious as to how she’ll react as my dumping her sinks in. I think right now she’s probably in shock, never thinking I’d dare do such a thing and that I’d just keep playing her games and taking her shit. 

I dreamed of sitting in a predominantly black courtroom. A young black girl, who was in on assault charges, was telling the judge how she wasn’t going to just stand there when some girl went to punch her in the nose. The judge, who I couldn’t see from where I sat, but who also sounded black, spoke in a calm but matter-of-fact voice. I couldn’t understand a word she said, though. Then the girl started making these loud shrilly sounds and I wasn’t sure if they were sounds of anger or if she’d burst out in this hysterical fit of laughter or something.