Tom’s blood work came back healthy – yay! When he got in from work he told me he was pretty sure we were smart to switch to this medical group, that’s how prompt and efficient they seem to be so far. They’re not as high-tech as Sutter and they don’t have MyHealth Online or an equivalent, but they do seem more reliable. He said he got a call at 10am regarding his blood work and thought, “Oh no, so soon? They must’ve found something really horrible in my blood.” But they were simply calling to tell him everything was ok. :) I’m glad one of us is healthy and I’m glad it’s him if we both can’t be healthy. I’ve always been medically cursed in some way shape or form, though not as severely as I could be. Still, better for me than for him to have problems. I think anyone would say that when it came to their true loves as would any mother would when it came to her children. No one wants to be the one to suffer… unless they have a soul mate or a child. 

He teased me about eating hotdogs, chips and soggy potatoes with tons of salt like he does. Ew! Most of the hotdogs he eats are turkey dogs, but still, it’s weird that I do in fact eat healthier than he does yet am not as healthy. Life rarely seems to have much logic to it, though I don’t think diet has anything to do with Hashimoto’s like it can with diabetes. 

His good health shoots down the “being punished even more for the sins of the forefathers because you didn’t have kids to pass the punishments down to” theory. He’s had a relatively decent life overall yet he never had kids any more than I did, and as I’ve pointed out before, I can name several moms whose lives make mine seem pretty damn decent, too. 

The only real negative in my life is that damn anxiety. So much for thinking you only feel anxious if your life sucks. It can happen anywhere to anyone for any reason. I just never thought I’d experience it so intensely and this late in life. Knowing myself as well as I do I can honestly say it doesn’t compare to anything I’ve ever felt before during my worst times in life. It’s an anxiety you can actually taste as crazy as that may sound. It’s like a burning sensation in my throat and mouth, and I later read that it is a common symptom. 

But the good news is that I only had to deal with it for about 1.5 hours last night and have been fine since I got up a few hours before he got in. After I ate 3 chicken wings and yogurt last night, the anxiety backed off. I also read that yogurt is one of the recommended superfoods for anxiety, so maybe there was a connection… then it hit me. Ironically enough –I know this is going to sound as farfetched as hell but when you get as desperate as I’ve been you’ll try anything to help yourself feel better – the anxiety started a few days after getting my first scented wax warmer. There is still no doubt that I suffered shitty side effects from the levothyroxine and that the anxiety stems from that nightmare, but what if there are other triggers? So I researched wax warmers and didn’t find anything on wickless wax, but since different people react differently to different things and I knew it couldn’t hurt to at least experiment a bit, I turned off all 3 warmers I’ve had running throughout the house and will see how I do. It seems like a long shot, but you never do know. The most important thing is trying not to panic when the anxiety bites and to do deep breathing, read, or anything to take my mind off of it. 

I managed to do a few minutes of ab work and a few minutes of very slow jogging on the treadmill, all the while missing the hell out of my bike. It’s very hard to resist the urge to work out when you don’t just like how it keeps you in shape and helps keep you from gaining weight, but you’re addicted to it as well. Had a little burning in my calves, so the muscles were starting to break down. I will do my best to keep my body moving without my heart taking me on a mad race before I’m back on medication, because if I stop altogether the joint pain and backaches will return. 

I requested a lorazepam refill online with my soon-to-be ex-doc, but haven’t received any verification of it being called in. I guess this means the lovely doc was either not working today, not willing to refill it for some reason, or maybe she did and I just didn’t get a notice. That site is not very reliable at all. Either way, it won’t be the end of the world if I don’t get it. Seems I had a dream of the good doc but don’t remember it. 

Had one of the black bitch down in Arizona for sure. Something about Tom and I overhearing that her father had a stroke or a heart attack. Hmm… it’d be better if someone set her up and let her know what it was like to be legally railroaded for a few years. Ah, but her connections would protect her. The same ones she used to frame me in retaliation for the city complaint. Then again, that “connection” was booted from the police force, so who knows who’s covering her sorry ass these days. As long as she (or anyone else) doesn’t try fucking with mine again. Not even God could help them because I’m not the person I was in 2000. “Live and learn.” Very true quote. 

Then I had this dream of renting a room somewhere. The rooms had no bathrooms in them so you had to go down this little hallway to a shared bathroom. I went to use the bathroom late one night and threw my robe over my naked body. As I rounded the corner to use the bathroom I not only realized my robe slipped open, exposing me, but I glanced into a darkened auditorium or large room of some kind and got a distinct feeling that I was being watched. I scurried back to my room and looked out the peephole. Nothing. Then I glanced through it again and saw an eye staring back at me. I hurried to get dressed and surprise the person, but when I flung the door open and was ready to confront them, they were gone. 

Last night I got to thinking of Nane and felt a little twinge of guilt. Not because I got pissed with the way she was attacking me, but because I realized that maybe I was a little too quick to throw in the towel. After all, in her mind, she probably wasn’t deliberately trying to attack me or anything. I sent her a message on Facebook and will leave the rest to fate. I’m ok with hearing from her and I’m ok with not hearing from her.