Woke up a bit on the anxious side, but after talking with Tom I felt better. Again the uncertainty of who to see and whether or not they’d be very helpful to me was eating at me, as well as the question of whether or not I could ever get up the guts to take medication again. 

“You’re already getting there and have made tremendous progress,” Tom said. “You can take your vitamins again and pain pills. You got over what that dentist did to you a few years ago and now you’re fine. You’ll do the same with this.” 

Forgot about that county quack who pulled one of my infected and dying molars. He really made it quite a nightmare, but then things got better for us financially and I got a dentist that does a great job and is a real sweetheart. Very compassionate and caring. The county guy was insensitive and impatient. 

“You were fine in December,” Tom added, “then you got worse. Sutter’s been horrible. You never used to even mention anxiety and now they’ve put these suggestions in your head, not that I’m going to stop you if you ever decide you truly do want to see a therapist or a psychiatrist.” 

Sutter has been horrible. Not just in giving me medication that caused horrible side effects, but by the lack of follow-ups, monitoring, and utter lack of ease in getting appointments. 

I think I was blinded by Doc C’s beauty. As Tom said, she may be great for some people, but she hasn’t been very helpful to me. She’s helped with my female issues, she’s helped with my ingrown toenail, but not so much with other issues. I’m sure she believes she’s done all she can as a PCP and not a specialist, and that referring me to those she’s referred me to was the right thing to do, and I’m not saying it wasn’t. I’m just saying she’s highly misunderstood me. At least that’s the impression I got. I don’t think she realizes just how much the levothyroxine fucked me up. I also wonder if my having to mention the TD put false ideas in her head. It’s not my fault I was misdiagnosed as a teen, but she wouldn’t know this and I understand that much. 

Still, we shouldn’t have had to play phone tag with my old endo all day like we did, and then be told to come in that day or wait till December. 

Just like being legally screwed shot my trust in the legal system, dealing with fucked up doctors here and there has put a damper on my trust in them as well. I realize, though, that as they say, we all gotta trust somebody sooner or later. Letting myself believe they’re all bad news isn’t going to help, but it’s going to take time to get over this just like it took time to get over the dental trust issues. 

So here’s the current plan. We’re going to go ahead and have Tom see this male internal medicine doctor on the 13th with another medical group as we discussed earlier. Meanwhile, he’s going to call around some more for a female primary/internal med doc for me. If he can’t get me an appointment with one, and if he likes the doctor he’s going to see, then I’ll see him, too. Male docs are a lot easier to get appointments with, especially if they’re not American. 

If Tom says he sucks… I don’t even want to think of that right now! 

Tom’s going to stop the thyroid supplements so as not to deceive the blood work in any way. If there really is a deficiency, he’d like it to show up with accuracy. 

I asked Tom if we should shut down Sutter, but he said we didn’t have to do anything right now. They didn’t help us, so we don’t owe them any special favors. We’ll just worry about ourselves. Meaning that we’ll cancel the December appointment early enough not to get charged for not showing up for it. 

We set up VM on my smartphone and I sent a message asking Tammy for the app link to whatever one she used to set up VM in Facebook messaging. My MagicCrap expires in 10 days, so I gave Tammy, Andy and Aly my smartphone number.