Today I have been smoke-free for 17 years!!! This day also brings back bad memories as well. In 2007, this was the start of a week-long financial nightmare when we were stuck in a Sacramento hotel and my first taste of real poverty. It was also the first time I really feared for my survival in a serious way. 

No call back from the doctor. What, am I not sick enough to be her patient? This is getting ridiculous. Just fucking ridiculous. Not sure what we’re going to do next. I’ll discuss that later with Tom. 

For now, I’ve been managing to go without happy pills. As Tom pointed out, it’s best to let my body learn to cope with the anxiety. As much as I’ve had a few moments where I’m tempted to run and take them, I know that will only prolong the anxiety and be too much like depending on alcohol. If our lives were shitty, then I could see taking the pills. But if our worst problems are doctor hassles and hoping I don’t suffer serious side effects the next time I’m on medication, then I don’t think I should be running for happy pills. 

Was out riding at midnight and saw a skunk on Oak. It was walking away from me, toward the outer side of the road. I swerved to the middle of the road and it turned and faced me once it got onto the grass and stuck its tail up straight. Again, it’s less scary to encounter these things on wheels than on foot. 

Had a dream Tom was having a tooth pulled. He’d be as scared as I would be to have eye surgery! 

I worry more about his low pulse and high BP than his teeth. 

Later… 

Got this VERY poorly written message from Tammy after asking if the girls got an apartment yet saying: No they are both with their grandfather. There Aunt through Sarah out, not by talking to Sarah but by calling their dad who is angry with her, then went to their 93 year old grandfather. Then she lies to them. She is the same miserable person she has always been. 

Wow, just wow. This has to mean something’s either very wrong with the aunt, or Sarah did something pretty bad in order to get thrown out by her own aunt. Not sure I get the part where she says “their dad who is angry with her.” Angry at the aunt or at Sarah? Still, that tells me something about Sarah - and yes, I admit I’m just guessing - that Sarah’s temper probably scared her aunt and that’s why her aunt went to her father about kicking her out and not her. 

I personally would feel uncomfortable at the idea of them spending any length of time here, not just because they’re young and immature, but also because they have always seemed very moody, angry and vindictive. They’ve bragged on their walls before about how fun it is to get revenge on people. And whom do you suppose they got that from? I wouldn’t hesitate to dump Tammy (or anyone else) that was detrimental or toxic to my life and well-being in any way, but I really hope it doesn’t come to that. Not just because no one wants that in the first place, but because she will make my online life hell and make Kim and Molly seem like nothing, and will enlist the aid of her daughters, too. 

Later… 

LOL, Maryann got my message and blocked me. 

Doc Hottie added her 320th friend at 9:30 last night and still appears not to have read my message to her. I might’ve accidentally gotten my message to Maryann sent to her inbox as opposed to her other box by friending her first, then deciding to cancel the request and just send a message instead. Initially, I thought her accepting a friend request would be the only way to get a message to her, but I know it doesn’t always work that way and I have no desire to be her friend. 

There are 5 possibilities where the doc’s concerned. 

1. The message never went through.

2. The message did go through but she hasn’t checked her other box.

3. The message went through, she read it, didn’t respond, and the message is failing to show up as read.

4. She read it and then marked it as unread.

5. She read it and sent a reply I never got. 

I’d say the first two are the most likely, especially #1. Again, getting too close to the hotties is a “no-no” for me in God’s eyes. Well, then why the fuck did He make me attracted to some women in the first place? As a tease? Let me guess… when I eventually send her a friend request that’ll go unnoticed too, right? Don’t know how else to get a hold of her if that’s the case, but again, we can’t make be what isn’t meant to be. If something up there is going to block contact, there’s nothing I can do about it. I don’t know the reasons why certain things are or aren’t meant to be, but it definitely seems like some things really are/aren’t. Oh well. Time will tell for sure. 

This doc isn’t 100% written off yet, though. I still may see her in December if I can’t get another primary I’m satisfied with before then. I highly doubt I’ll ever see her again any more than I think I’ll be able to contact her online (sad considering that some people can’t avoid being contacted by certain people), but if I do I will have to either see a shrink, lie and say I saw one, and then explain why I still haven’t seen an endo or gotten a thyroid ultrasound done yet. 

Later… 

I know I should just live my life as I see fit and not worry about others, but for some reason – even though Molly hasn’t been a problem for me in a while – it still bugs me that she peeks in on my journal. It isn’t very often anymore, but it still annoys me. We’re not friends and there’s nothing about me that interests her except my connection to Alison. 

When I realized how easily she and her mother could find my my-diary account I set it to private. 

Mommy Dearest may be out of stalking commission right now with cancer, but I have a feeling it’s just a temporary blip in life and that she’ll be as good as new in a matter of months. 

I was surprised to learn from Aly that Molly’s taken some computer classes. So she’s probably learned some of her hunting skills there. What didn’t surprise me was that she’s gone so far as to pay for detailed info on people at some pay sites like Intellius and Spokeo. A stalker would pay for something like that. 

Aly also warned me that she clings to phrases when trying to hunt for hidden accounts like when I mention Nane or the fact that I go by Lady Rainbow/Frau Regenbogen.

What I wonder is… is Aly still friends with her? She says she’s not, but she’s said that before. I knew it would take Molly a while to get it (if she really dropped her without telling her so), but this long? Also, I know Molly’s crazy and delusional, but she writes as if they’re still keeping in touch such as by the way she says she’s so glad she can count on her when she’s having a shitty day.