Yesterday my heart took me on another fast and furious ride that was utterly terrifying and totally unexpected. Since about 4 or 5 days after quitting the levothyroxine, my heart has been fine. A little racy at times, but nothing too maddening. 

Just after 9am yesterday I took the bike out for my daily 2-mile run around the perimeters. I didn’t think I was going that fast. I was a bit warm perhaps, wishing I’d worn a tank and shorts instead of my long athletic pants and a tee, but sure enough, my heart starts beating its ass off toward the end of my route. I briefly considered stopping but didn’t want to just stand there in the glaring sunlight waiting for what may get worse. I was close to home anyway and wanted to be able to lie down in bed and have access to my phone. I usually bring my smartphone, set it to play music, then place it in my bike basket. It was dead, however, so I left it at home in the charger. 

So I got home and found my heart doing close to 160. I tried not to panic, but it seemed like relaxing wasn’t getting it to slow down. I was going from alarmed to terrified. I popped a chill pill and left Tom a message. He told me to let him know if I wanted him to come home. I told him no, my heart was now slowing down to the 120s. I had none of the anxiety symptoms I had on the medication; just the racing heart. I didn’t feel like I was suffocating or like I had a lump in my throat, and there were no negative emotions other than the fear of what was going on at the moment.

But right after I told him not to come home, the fucker beats its way back up into the 130s. This turned my anxiety up a notch and at that point I told him to come home. 

Nearly a half-hour later he was home and I was lying in bed with what I’m guessing was now a pulse of a little over 100. He got the monitor and confirmed that but then it started climbing again about 5 minutes later. Fortunately, it only did so for a few seconds before dropping to its usual range in the 90s. Eventually, it probably dropped to the 80s. The ordeal left me feeling dizzy and drained. I even woke up down two whole pounds because I was too shaken up to eat as much. All the while I kept asking myself, why, why, why??? I wasn’t on any medication, so why did it happen??? 

Tom and Tammy have two different theories, and while I agree with most of what Tammy says having been a medical assistant and all that, I think Tom is most likely right in this case unless my heart ever decides to start taking off on a mad run while I’m just sitting around doing nothing. And yes, that is a fear I now have, though not a huge one. I don’t mean a spree of 120-something, I mean over 150. I don’t care that our research says it’s not life-threatening without a previous history of heart problems; it’s downright terrifying as hell just the same! I’d rather have a ton of noise all day long to bitch about than to go through such physical terror. Just what the hell has the bastard above got against my heart these days anyway? I swear I feel like I’ve just GOT to be picked on no matter what. If I’m not dirt poor at the moment, why not scare the shit out of me instead then? Once I felt better physically, my mind began to worry about God using me to get Tom to lose his job. God would punish us both for my problems, too. Let’s hope He has a heart – whether His races or not – and spares us the bullshit. Especially after all the hardships we’ve endured in the past. Really, God, if you hate me that much, just kill me or leave me alone. 

Tammy's theory is that it’s my thyroid doing this to me and that once I’m on the proper medication that’s right for me, I’ll be ok. The reason this one’s hard to swallow is that for my heart to take off like that would be more appropriate for those with hyperthyroidism and not hypothyroidism. Also, it did this when I was on the meds. I realized that had I been on just 1 tiny little mcg of the stuff at the time I’d have blamed it on the meds entirely. She said, though, that I wasn’t on the medication long enough to correct the thyroid. 

Tom’s theory is I overdid my workout, 160 won’t kill me, it takes a good half hour or so to get it back down to normal, and my taking a chill pill only delayed this. He thinks that’s why it started coming back up; because it needed to beat faster for a while. He said my heart won’t beat faster than its max heart rate and if it beats like that it’s for a reason that’s necessary, like to pump blood and oxygen to the muscles I worked out. He also said that many of those who work out actually want to hit the 160s, and I probably have come up that high many times in the past but didn’t freak out about it since I’d never had the negative effects of the levothyroxine to remember. Well, I sure wouldn’t mind deleting July 9th through yesterday from my brain! He’s right, though. I probably have hit those levels but just didn’t have the monitor to tell me what the numbers were. A part of me wishes we’d never gotten the damn thing. Ignorance really is bliss at times. How I feel at times is bad enough without the numbers rubbing it in. As he also reminded me, heart attacks are where your heart slows down and can’t beat fast enough, not race like hell. 

I do remember a time back in high school, before the state got me, running around the track. I felt like my heart was going to explode afterward and almost like I might be sick, too. I don’t remember throwing up or anything, but my pulse was rather scary. I had to remain still and it seemed to take a while to slow down. It is still easier to overdo it on a bike than on foot. No doubt about that. On foot, it’s easier to pace ourselves, but when riding a bike uphill, it’s tough whether we’re riding fast or slow. I don’t remember this happening when biking up hills in Oregon, though. 

Imagine a square-shaped piece of cloth and consider it our park. Now lift a corner of that cloth. Well, we’re up on that lifted corner. From any point in the park heading in the direction of our house, it’s an uphill slope all the way with very few level spots. It’s fairly level for walking and driving, but for bikes, there’s no avoiding the hills to get back to the house. The first mile of my ride is mostly downhill, fun and fairly easy, but I gotta come uphill to get home for the last part. 

Just as I was feeling the best ever since last July, this shit had to happen, normal reaction to overdoing it or not. I was beginning to think I’d never need another chill pill again. 

I do agree that it’s highly unlikely anything’s wrong with my heart since enough people have listened to it this year, and I doubt I have anxiety even worse than BOTH the good doc and I imagined because nothing made me anxious other than the event itself. Nothing startled me along the way. No turkeys jumped out at me, no people, no traffic, no nothing. It still seems a bit strange when you’re in as good of shape as I’m in. I’m fat, but I’m still fit, so I feel like it shouldn’t have happened, “normal” or not. Yes, the uphill ride is strenuous as hell on a Cruiser, but then why don’t I have this happen every time I ride? What was different about yesterday? Again, I didn’t think I was overdoing it in any way, but you can bet your ass I ain’t going anywhere today. Today I’m going to sit on my ass reading and writing. No cleaning, no laundry, and definitely no exercising. I’m just running a load of dishes through the dishwasher and dumping the recyclables. 

Tom just left for work reminding me that the numbers mean nothing whether it’s 80 or 130 and that my heart will beat as it needs to. It’s if it stops beating or I go unconscious that something went wrong. I get what he’s saying, though a rapid heartbeat for no reason at all would still scare the shit outa me. Even though I don’t expect my heart to go crazy for the first time ever with no workouts or medication, I’ll be sending Tom regular reports at work throughout the day letting him know how I’m doing. I can tell you one thing for sure and that’s that I have really come to hate hearts! I wish I could yank it outa my chest and put it on the table until Tom comes home. I’d be heartless when he was absent, LOL. 

There’s no way in hell I’m getting back on that bike, and if I ever do it’s not going to be by myself. Since I’ll never lose much weight on or off medication because I can’t stand the hunger diets bring, all I need to do is maintain the shape I’m currently in. All that takes is a few minutes of cardio, plus an arm and ab workout. I’ll either walk/jog on my treadmill or around the circle if I want fresh air, and that’s it. A mile is enough, too. No need to go over two miles by going around perimeters. Tom thinks working out every other day is better than every day. I may do some exercise vids or the Wii Fitness thing, too. I’ll mix it up so I don’t get too bored so easily, but damn am I going to miss my bike. Thanks, God, for taking yet another pleasure from my life. 

I heard movement from next door’s garage on and off yesterday, of course, but no saws, hammers or landscaping frenzies. Saw Mr. White Shirt fold up the table and lean it against the garage wall before pulling the SUV in. I’m sure they’ll have something going on over there today, but I’d rather listen to all kinds of shit than go through yesterday’s scare. 

Later… 

I keep forgetting to ask Andy if he remembers a woman named Gail and a little boy named Benji from the beach we spent our summers at as kids in Old Lyme, Connecticut, the boy being a few years younger than I was. 

I have a vague and quick recollection of them being in the corner cottage that Charlotte and Jim eventually bought. My sister and I were going to go out somewhere with Gail and Benji. Gail was probably in her late teens to early 20s at the time, but I don't think she was Benji's mother. Maybe related, though, but I don't know. Anyway, they were in a bedroom with the door closed while Tammy and I sat out in the living room. I remember Gail yelling at the kid and the kid crying. Back then I was just a naive kid myself, but as an adult looking back on it, I'd say she was probably beating the shit out of the kid. 

Without saying much about it, they came out of the bedroom and we all went to a mall of some kind. Tammy and I must've split up from her and Benji at one point cuz we went into the bathroom to find Gail naked from the waist down. She said, "Oh, Tammy, thank God it's you," as she rinsed her panties in the sink saying she'd had the runs. 

I asked Tammy about it a few months ago and she says she has no recollection of these people. Wonder if Andy does? We’ll soon see. 

Viagraville stayed quiet till 8:40 and then Bob, who seems to literally live in his garage every other day, started in with the bike air pump. The bike I never even see him riding anymore. It started again, overriding my rainstorm video a short while later and that’s when I said, Ok, that’s it. I’m moving my Mac into the laundry room with its built-in desk on the other side of the house from next door. I’ve had it with the loud power tools and machinery. I appreciate that they’ve been here since 1988 and that he’s just a bored, old man who’s restless, but I have rights, too. I’m sick of hearing them nearly every single fucking day. I wish they’d go back to coming and going like crazy. Instead, they’re home more often and in that garage. They have a beautiful patio in front, the weather is now perfect for hanging out there, yet he would rather hang out and make a racket in his garage. I shouldn’t have to sit here with my sound vids to near-deafening levels to drown out an 80-something man in a retirement community. If this shit keeps up I’m going to have to say something. I doubt it’ll do me any good, knowing how most people are, but I’m really getting fed up. I gave him a dose of Aerosmith for a while. Oh, wait. He’s deaf. That’s what Virginia told me anyway, though anytime I’ve talked with him he’s never seemed to have any trouble hearing me. 

Actually, he just left. Good. Hopefully, he won’t come back in an hour or two to play saw and hammer. Thought I’d hear a lot of landscaping today, but nope. Bob’s been the only annoyance so far, but it’s not even noon yet and it’s only 75° out. I should walk around the circle a few times for some sun, color and fresh air, but nope. I really should take a whole day off after yesterday’s scare, normal reaction to a kick-ass workout or not. 

Still liking the idea of moving my computer into the laundry room. Well, I both do and don’t like it. We could use the desk in the living room for our Wii stuff and other stuff like our laser printer. It’d be a bit of a hassle, but hopefully worth it in the end… until the old lady on that side who never goes anywhere and rarely has company decides it’s time to start getting out more and having more guests over, too. 

Later… 

Sitting here realizing how smart it would be not to bother sending Hot Doc a friend request. I just know God's waiting to make sure she doesn't accept it or doesn't even get it if He suspects there's a chance she might accept it. Hotties aren't allowed in my life unless I've never met them. 

The question is if I do send her a friend invite, when and how should I go about it. I contemplated sending a message on MyHealth that said, “On the record: Had to get doctors closer to home. Off the record: Please check your Facebook account when you can. 

But I don’t want to contact her on MyHealth and have that be a part of my health record, especially before the records are transferred to Mercy. 

So should I contact her after Tom contacts Sutter? After I cancel the appointment online and put that as a reason for the cancelation instead of in a message? I probably shouldn’t do that cuz I don’t know that she personally sees my reasons for canceling like she’d see any message I left her. 

Maybe I should just send nothing but the friend invite. The question is… when? I certainly can’t do it while she thinks I’m still her patient. 

I think for now I’ll just wait till the records have been requested.