Might as well do an entry now before the shit hits the fan again, and it’s only inevitable that it will because my anxiety obviously isn’t going away anytime soon. Sure wish it would, but this is either something that’s going to take time to get rid of or at least learn to live with. I’d hate to think I might be stuck with this forever and that this could be my new way of life, but as Tom and Tammy both said, try to focus on the here and now and not the future. Yes, I suppose I should because I don’t think I could adapt to this thing if it was permanent and if I think about that too much it will drive me batty. 

Andy asked if I’d like him to cancel his visit and I said NO! Worst case is that I may not feel so great, but I’m not disabled. It slows me down at times since I can’t do anything too physical until both my mind and body are treated and under control. As much as I’d love to get out in the fresh air and hop on my bike right now, my heart would only pound up a storm. Both anxiety and Hashimotos can cause the heart to race when exercising. I was worried at first about falling out of shape, but I’m so sick of feeling so lousy half the time that I don’t care anymore if I do. I can do minimal things like a few ab crunches here and there, but a 2-mile jog or bike ride is out of the question for now. Even just 90 seconds of jogging at 3.5 MPH causes it to pound. And no, I don’t mean normal elevations that we all get when working out. I mean booming, pounding ones that can get scary. Exercise has never made me lose weight but it DOES keep me from gaining, so I’m taking little walks as opposed to running or riding. 

For now, I’m trying to get into a routine that will hopefully help me when the anxiety strikes. It’s so damn unpredictable. It doesn’t seem to matter who’s around, where I am, or what I’m doing, though I obviously feel better with Tom in the house, awake or asleep. Hopefully, I will sleep most of the time he’s gone tomorrow given where my schedule’s at right now. 

I was doing great till around midnight when I felt the anxiety slowly seep into me like a sponge absorbing water. I tried to ignore it, but of course it wouldn’t let me. Reading helped a bit, so I’m going to try to make a point of doing my deep breathing exercises and reading a chapter of whatever book I’m reading at the time to help divert my mind from dwelling on it. 

I felt pretty shitty on and off for 4 or 5 hours. One minute I’d feel fine and like I never had an anxious moment, then the next my emotions would be in turmoil. After an anxious spell, I would get both depressed and frustrated, missing the old me. I ended up being up for 21 hours. Just 1 hour after falling asleep, who should wake me up but Tom himself, when he thought an animal got trapped under the house. I thought it was thunder at first, as rare as that is here. He was walking across the trapdoor to the crawl space when he thought he felt movement underneath like something was trying to pry its way out. It was just the water running through the pipe, though. Anyway, he lowered a stick down there in case it was a skunk, not wanting to get sprayed. The stick broke and I woke up to the sound of it hitting the side of the opening. I highly doubt a skunk could get under there. Mice yes, but skunks and squirrels? Unlikely. 

That wasn’t all to disturb my sleep that was so late in coming. I woke up with cramps, too. 

I requested a refill of lorazepam online but don’t know if it will go through. If there are any questions as to why I haven’t seen my endo doc or gotten my thyroid scan done, I will at that point tell Doc C what’s going on and that I’m currently caught in the shuffle of the changeover (and still hope for a Facebook friendship later on, though not expect one). Tom’s going to see if he can get me into someone else sooner. Had I known I’d have those really bad days I’d have taken the appointment he had on the 13th. At this point, I don’t give a shit if it’s a man. I was doing what I’m trying not to do so much of and that’s looking into the future as well. In my mind I wanted a female doctor for when it came time to deal with female issues, figuring she’d be more understanding and all that, but this is a thyroid we’re talking about. Everybody’s got one (unless they need them removed), so the doctor’s gender doesn’t matter. 

Tom printed papers from the online health site that contain my test results, plus something about the antibodies that specifically identify and classify it as Hashimoto's and all that in case there are any issues getting records transferred. 

We also spoke with Tammy who offered words of support and encouragement, and then we changed the rats’ cage. Fortunately, I didn’t have any heart boomers there as that’s a bit of work in itself. Since my arms are rather short, he takes and dumps the tray of bedding and then I’m the one that wipes it down and adds fresh bedding, burrows, food, cheese, wood chews, etc. 

Just when I thought Hoodie may stay on the small side I was amazed at how he suddenly sprouted into quite a big boy. Poor Andy, LOL. Does he realize just how big these rats are? I’ll keep them in their cage, though. 

I like the new warmer I got for the bedroom and how it doesn’t have a light. I was worried at first that it wouldn’t get warm enough to melt the wax, but it worked great. I like having the ones in the living room and my office light up, though. 

Never thought I’d say this but I almost wish it would hurry up and cool down so I could stop sweating so much. Don’t know if it’s cuz I’m fat or cuz of the thyroid/anxiety, but I get sick of being so warm at times. It’s not as easy to deal with as it was 15 years ago. 

Later… 

Below is the note I sent to Nane tonight. 

We were friends for 4 years and then one day I let you go when your curiosity at least seemed to turn into what felt like a personal attack. But then I realized you weren’t deliberately trying to attack me or anything like that and I feel like a total shit for blowing up on you like that and I’m sorry, Nane, I really am. You’re a smart woman and so I’m sure that as you and Askim both know and understand, sometimes we lose our temper when we don’t mean to. Sometimes we say shit we shouldn’t. But we always come back in the end to those we truly care about and say we’re sorry. I’m sorry I was quick to throw in the towel like that and that I threw a good thing away (you), but I’m not going to lie and say I was sorry I got angry. I think it’s ok to get angry and upset as long as you can apologize or at least be willing to move forward from there since we’re all human after all. We all make mistakes and we’re not perfect. 

Maybe it’s different in EU but doll collecting amongst women in the US is quite common. Nonetheless, a few days later I nearly trashed and smashed my entire collection to smithereens. I think I might just sell them off instead and get plants. Less shit to have to dust, and well, plants are a good thing and good for the environment, aren’t they? 

Nane, my dear, I really think you misunderstood me on the race thing, though I can kinda get why/how you would. Ok… you speak of not caring about people’s origin as long as they’re kind, yet you specifically told me you wouldn’t accept a woman as a lover. So are you really as open-minded as you think you are? Not trying to pick on you, but just make a point. My husband wouldn’t accept a man if he were single and looking yet he’s not the least bit homophobic. We ALL have things that make us more or less comfortable but that doesn’t mean we’re haters. 

When I said I didn’t want to see the Middle Eastern doctor it wasn’t because I feared he was some secret terrorist that would kill me or anything like that, but because their accents are very hard to understand. I also feel more comfortable with a woman. No matter how sensitive and smart a man may be, only a woman knows what it’s like to be a woman. My doctor, BTW, is Ecuadorian. This is just stating a fact, not race/nationality complaining. Not everyone who comments about a particular race/nationality is complaining. You told me your SIL is Colombian, but that wasn’t a complaint you were making, of course, just a fact. I think you assumed I was racist because I have less than kind things to say about ISIS and blacks that screw people with the race card. But this doesn’t mean I hate every single Muslim and black. 

And remember how you went on about how your ex was black-American, the love of your life Greek, and Askim Turkish? Well, anyone who’s read my bio would know I’ve been “in the mix” myself. One woman was part black, part PR, one that was Mexican, and one that was Cherokee. 

If I were “racist” and had a problem with those “not American” as you put it, then why would I bother with you? And why would you be upset with anyone if they may not like a certain person or type of person? Wouldn’t that be like getting upset with them for not liking certain types of food or music? I haven’t harmed anyone and I think that’s all that should matter as opposed to what/who we like or dislike. We’re simply not going to like everyone we meet or hear about, as I’m sure you know. 

Regardless, I’m just sorry I lost it on you like I did. It’s no excuse, but I’m going through both physical and emotional problems that are scary as hell. It’s like the old me no longer exists. I seemed to have stepped out of myself and life as I knew it last July 9th. I don’t know how much longer it will be before I can be helped. I just hope I don’t end up suicidal while I’m waiting. I don’t think I will. I hope not anyway. But that’s not the point. The point is I’m sorry I blew a fuse and went off on you like I did. Whether or not I hear from you again *wipes tears from eyes* do take care of yourself and know that Frau Regenbogen is thinking of you despite her personal turmoil and hell and will always be here for you, even when she’s not in a great mood. The ratties love you, too.