On this unusually windy day, I have officially given up on ever feeling like my old self again. She’s gone forever. In fact, I sometimes wonder if I’m going to live much longer, especially since every time I’m pretty sure I know what’s going on with me, I’m back to square one with nothing but questions. Tom keeps saying I’m fine, everything’s fine, nothing’s wrong, but then why did I have another “heart explosion” on the bike? Tom was with me and we stopped and sat on a bench, but still… did I really “overdo” it? Even though I was going slow coming up the hill, Tom said he could see me pushing and straining and that while I may be in better aerobic shape than he is, my leg muscles aren’t as strong as his. I’m also on a gearless bike. My heart didn’t make it to 160, though it probably came close at 140-150. When we got back I had another case of the partial runs where it wasn’t quite what would qualify as being the runs, but not solid either. 

Now I’m wondering once again if the vitamin D really caused my heart to race in the shower last Friday or not. And why did I have a weird feeling when I woke up a few times for a minute or two in the middle of the night as I often do? I know our bodies shoot adrenaline through us when we wake up, but when I placed my hand on my heart, it didn’t feel like it was racing. Sometimes it almost feels like it’s racing or is about to take off racing yet it doesn’t. 

*beats head in frustration* I just don’t understand anymore. I just don’t. Was it both a case of my overdoing it and the vitamin D? My thyroid? Anxiety? Something else? Tom doesn’t think it’s any one thing and that makes it all the more frustrating and scary because that means I’m fair game to these beat-outs anytime, anywhere. It’s like my whole body is messed up. My period’s 10 days late and I don’t know if that’s because of stress and stopping the medication, or if it’s menopause setting in or both. Like I said, I just don’t know what to think anymore. 

I feel fine right now, but how will I feel in a few minutes? How will I feel in a few hours? Tomorrow I’ll be alone again, worried, wondering… is my heart going to suddenly take off on a mad rampage? If this shit keeps up I’ll have to see a specialist for sure. Both a cardiologist and maybe even the shrink Hot Doc wanted me to see. If it’s anxiety, then I may need to be chill pilled for a while. If it’s my heart, which I doubt, then that too will need attention. Again, hearts don’t usually race when there’s something going on with them so I’m not too concerned with that. We learned, though, that we don’t need a referral, after all, to go to a specialist. With our plan, we can just go, even though it’ll cost $35. 

My thyroid’s definitely gotta be moving somewhat cuz I’m down half a pound after a day of eating candy, chips and all kinds of stuff as I always do on weekends. I still have the energy I had when I was young and still tend to dash from room to room, but I didn’t get any other exercising done yesterday other than that and walking around Walmart.

I never even got to mention my chat with Bob or some other things because I’ve been either busy or feeling crappy. Other than feeling crappy, life is great. I almost feel like I’m being punished for this happiness, though, and believe me when I say I’d rather be broke than feeling shitty. Yet it’s like something’s punishing me for “going home,” as funny as it may sound, and doing well financially. But just because we have money doesn’t mean we’re rich, and just because we got to live in a nice house/neighborhood doesn’t always mean it’s peaceful. 

Later on, I’ll write about the things I haven’t written about yet. This entry’s long enough anyway. 

Later… 

And now to catch up on the rest of my life since I plan to be busy tomorrow cleaning and worrying about my heart freaking out on me if it isn’t actually doing so. Really, really hope today’s race from hell was just cuz I truly did overdo it on the bike, and that Friday’s was due to the vitamin D. 

I forget what day it was (Thursday?) but when the saw and hammer started up AGAIN just 15’ away, I’d had enough. I didn’t want to sound complaining, though. I mean sure it’s great to be active and do things and all that and I know he has a right to do his thing, but not if it’s disturbing those around you, right? Just because you may want to build things doesn’t mean I should have to hear about it. I don’t care if it’s “normal” daytime noise or not. Unless you’re doing necessary repairs or yard work or something like that, your wanting to build your daughter a birdhouse should be between you and her and not on me as well. 

So I went over there (surprised to find him in a gray T-shirt instead of the usual white one) and asked if he had a set schedule these days for woodworking that I could go by on account of my work. He said no and that he did projects all the time for his kids and grandkids. Yeah, that’s the problem. He’s the Jesse of the park, though I can’t deny that there are a few others around here that would be worse to live next to. He said he might not do anything for a month between projects but doesn’t have a set schedule. In the last several weeks, though, he’s worked more than I’ve ever heard him in the entire 15 months we’ve lived here. 

I told him if I had an idea of when he’d be likely to be working I could move my office on the other side of the house (even though some of his racket is so loud it can be heard there, too). He asked what I did and I told him I do artificial intelligence work and some writing. Then he said he’d let me know when he planned to do a lot of sawing and asked what was it about this (his woodworking). Are you kidding? I thought to myself. I know the guy’s got hearing issues and he did, in fact, wear a hearing aid, but how can he be so stupid? Common sense should tell the guy that running loud power tools and beating the snot out of things with hammers and mallets just a matter of feet from the wall of one’s house is loud, distracting, and annoying to those who aren’t deaf. I just politely said it could be heard over the videos and recordings I’m often paid to watch and evaluate (which is true). Again he just said he’d let me know when he planned to be at it again and that’s fair enough. I don’t want the guy to stop living his life; I’d just like a heads-up if he’s not going to tone it down a bit anytime soon. 

When we talked he was just finishing up the birdhouse he was making for his daughter. It is BEAUTIFUL too, though painted with dull colors. Very detailed with a shingled roof and many pieces. No wonder it took so much time and noise to make. I thought it would have about 7 pieces and be half the size it is. 

All I heard the next day, Friday morning, was a couple of minutes of what sounded like a sander, then nothing ever since. For now, I’m in the office/laundry room, and hopefully the people on this side won’t get wild on me before I can get a portable device. I highly doubt they will, though, as the couple that lives in the gold house has never been into the woodworking thing the whole time we’ve been here, and the green house just has a lady that never goes anywhere and rarely has company. 

Bob asked how I was doing and I told him I’ve had my rough moments and to say hi to Virginia for me. I asked how many grandkids he had. He said 8 and I said, “Wow,” with a smile all the while thinking that he should’ve been sterilized a long time ago for my sake. 

Tom replaced the valve in the master toilet because it was leaking, and Windows still sucks shit because I’d already gotten viruses after just a few uses of the Windows PC he got from work that I didn’t even know about until he discovered them when he used that computer. He used it to try to see if I could run my big Mac from either the Windows PC in the laundry room or the living room where it was set up until a few hours ago. The refresh rate was too slow, though, so we decided to just throw the Mac in here. We also decided that when I get a compact and portable laptop/tablet, we’re going to pay the extra money to get a Mac so I can be safer. Windows is just so fucking buggy I honestly don’t understand why anyone on earth uses it.