So Doc Sexy did refill the lorazepam after all, and I’m wondering if Aly likes me more than I realize. In her own blog, she said not to get her wrong. She's grateful for the friends she has, both in real life and online, and knows exactly who she can count on for support and advice in general, but wants MORE. She added that she knows she's likely making a big deal out of nothing, but can't help it. It's just important to her for some reason. But she's realizing that she should just give up. Not give up on eating healthier and moving more, but gives up on the hope that someone she knows will take a step beyond just showering her with pretty words. Then she said she thinks it's better if she doesn't finish that sentence. 

I don’t know why I get the feeling it’s me she’s referring to. Maybe because it’s not mutual? I mean I like her a lot. I like her intelligence and all that, but while she’s not ugly, I’m not really attracted to her. I’m hoping she’s talking about someone in person or someone else online, even though I, like any human being, would feel flattered to know I was “crushed” on. 

Back to Doc Sexy. I went to MyHealth to see if it would still say that my refill request was still pending, but it wasn’t. It said, “Prescribed by Dr. C on 10/16.” 

I’m still surprised she hasn’t messaged me to ask why I have no Dr. D appointment, why I haven’t had the ultrasound for my thyroid or uterus, and why I’d want her to give me chillers when I’m supposedly supposed to be seeing a shrink for that. But I’d rather the pills than the questions because just having them around gives me a touch of extra peace of mind even when I don’t actually need them. Ironically enough, the anxiety I felt brewing backed off as soon as I found she’d refilled the chill pills. 

Looked in my journal and she first prescribed them to me on July 16th, so it’s been more than 60 days (that’s how many are in the bottle). I forgot about this, but she said she thinks the anxiety was triggered by the trauma of ODing, which we now know was side-effecting. That’s the only thing I can come up with. BUT… running out of money is pretty damn traumatizing as well. On a scale 1-10, anger is a 7, depression a 9, and anxiety a 10. 

Anyway, there are different kinds of fears when you think about it. Running out of money is scary enough, but not knowing if you’re going to die when you don’t want to die is a bit different and I am going to slam that Hoodster’s head in the door if he doesn’t stop yanking on the door! LOL, bastard knows damn well I can hear him. Guess he and his roommates want out now. 

Thought about the crying thing Tom pointed out to me and how it can give people the wrong idea. I’m glad he pointed this out to me, too. I don’t want pity for my tears or to annoy anyone with them or to have them bring me more problems. I realize crying is pointless and serves no purpose other than to fog up my glasses. Crying alone or at funerals is one thing, but I don’t want anyone to think I’m trying to trick or manipulate them through my tears. I’m a straight shooter. I say what’s on my mind. But I realize that most people tend to disbelieve the things most people say and so I should take that into consideration. People have trust issues thanks to all the liars out there. I haven’t seen any tears from Tom in centuries, so why should he see them from me? No, I’m not him and he’s not me, as he would be quick to point out, but it still can’t fix problems. 

Later… 

The doctor did fill my lorazepam after all. I just didn’t get an email notification. Ironically enough, I felt better once I made an appointment with Dana and learned I had that refill, which proves again that the bulk of what I’ve been feeling is indeed anxiety. I’ve felt sooo much better these last two days, though, that I gained back 1.5 pounds. The better I feel the more I eat. I might even go for a late-night walk, though I’m not brave enough for the bike yet. Even when I’m not anxious, an anxiety attack can still creep up on you in seconds when you least expect it, and you DON’T want to get hit with one when you’re pulse is already elevated from exercise. I want to wait till I’ve gone a while without attacks as much as I miss riding. Walking won’t elevate my heart as much but it’s better than sitting on my ass all the time and I do love getting out in the fresh air. 

Loving my new Kindle Paperwhite so far! I love how it tells me it thinks it should take me 9 hours and something minutes to finish the book I’m 6% through, LOL. It does have a landscape setting too, but portrait is fine. It has the same dictionary the Fire has where you touch a word and the definition pops up. It doesn’t blackout like the Fire but instead a picture appears with no light behind it. I also like how it tells me how many books I have on the device. Love how I can read in bed on the Paperwhite, then go to the Fire in the kitchen and it will know exactly where I left off in the book I’m reading! 

There’s probably more I could write about, but I’m excited to start syncing and setting up the reader. I’ve got a free 30-day trial of Kindle Unlimited, so maybe I’ll check some big-name authors out. I’ve always loved Dean Koontz and James Patterson. 

I had a dream my mother was still alive and she said something that pissed me off when I asked her a question. Tammy and some other woman were present in what looked like the bedroom of the last house they owned in MA. I stormed off and started smashing things after my mother pissed me off.