Yesterday I skipped my meds altogether and felt fine. Right as I was getting ready to read myself to sleep at 11:30 a.m., Doc O’s nurse called wanting to read me a note from the doctor. Now, why couldn’t the doctor simply have sent me this note directly on the portal?

As expected, Dr. O doesn’t recommend 50s and wanted me to go to the lab. I told the nurse I didn’t drive, my husband was at work, and I couldn’t just up and go to the lab. But then I Skyped Tom and he replied right away. I asked if he thought I should go and he asked if I could stay up that long. I said I could and then he said he would see if he could leave at noon. A few minutes later, he left. While he was on his way to get me, I called the nurse back and let her know I would be going to the lab after all.

So we got to the lab which wasn’t nearly as crowded as I thought it would be and only had to wait somewhere between 5 and 10 minutes. One vial was drawn for T3, T4 and TSH.

What really sucks is that our insurance no longer covers lab work so it’s all on us. They keep dropping this and dropping that. I wonder if insurance is going to be worth it in the end.

The portal says the results are posted 36 hours after they get them and are pending until tomorrow at 11 a.m.

I’m not going to play this game again. I’m just not. I’ve had it with all the fucking health issues! I’ve had it with the on-and-off anxiety and depression torturing the shit out of me when all I want to do is just live my life in peace. My sleep and skin issues along with the regular chaos here are enough to have to deal with. I try to do the right thing and be a good person even though I’m not perfect and this is the shit I get for it? Well damn then, what the fuck might I get if I went and beat some random person on the street? Cancer? Yeah, well, sometimes I really wish I would get something that would just kill me. Seriously, I want to just stop suffering or drop dead.

I’m not going over 50s for a while and I don’t care what she says. I’ve made up my mind and that’s that. The only way I’m going to know for sure if the medication, or at least the higher dosage, is in fact involved at all is to back off for a while. We don’t have the time and money to keep going to all these appointments anyway so I’m kind of in a real Catch-22. Yes, I really want to figure it out and deal with this emotional roller coaster for once and for all if that’s possible, but time and money are also an issue. We’re never going to get ahead financially if all these extra expenses keep coming up. We’re far from broke but we’re never going to be able to do things like taking a vacation if our extra money is tied up in this bullshit. I still don’t even know if anyone can tell me what’s causing it and what I can do about it, anyway. Everything has backfired on me so far. So this is why I just want to back off the 75s or the equivalent of it for a while. Dr. O hadn’t seen my second message yet when the nurse called. I let the nurse know this, too.

I just wonder how much more of this shit I can take. It’s like getting the shit beat out of you every day. Sooner or later your body gives out, unable to take any more. Sometimes the urge to kill myself is strong but I just don’t have the guts to actually go through with it because I fear botching it up, what may lay beyond, and deserting Tom. If I could just know what was making me anxious or at least what to do about it or how long it will go on, that would really help a lot, I would think. I mean obviously if I suddenly knew I’d have it for life and there would be nothing I could do about it, that would be anything but helpful.

I’m just tired of going round and round in circles! Now I worry Dr. O is going to give up on me which may encourage Dr. A to do the same because I’m no longer willing to play it their way. At least not for a good 6 months or so I’m not. I don’t see how half a year of 50s would harm me. In fact, I would think that if it ever did harm me it would take forever to do so because 50s puts my TSH at around 16 which isn’t dangerously high. I know the doctors can’t make me do anything I don’t want to do but I can’t make them go along with me either. If they drop me, who knows if I would have a hard time getting someone new since I would think they would want their records. Look at the trouble Alyssa gave me. I mean it’s not literally “trouble” but she’s refused to turn over the information requested and that I signed permission for. Of course I wouldn’t have to have records just to see a new doctor but they could still make things difficult for me. I don’t think it would come to that, though. I think they have better things to do but they could still drop me and put me through the hassle of having to start over again, with or without records.

Okay, I’m rambling on about what-ifs that probably won’t come to pass.

So I took one of the 50s when I got up and was a little worried when I started to feel not anxious but kind of down and lightheaded. I don’t want to take the Amberen in case there’s a connection. The day I felt really bad I had taken Amberen. I’m just taking my multivitamin. Anyway, I feel okay right now.

Moving on from the health stuff, the fucking story of my life… Saw Jon and Carolyn painting their brick planter that runs alongside the front of their place yesterday but they didn’t see us. It’s a good thing they got it done yesterday because we’re supposed to be in for rain over the next few days. Looking forward to it! Loud cars and trucks may still come through but it should put a damper on some of the planes and definitely the motorcycles and landscaping. We sure do need it, too.

Tired of my large monitor sometimes not working, I transferred the smart plug it was using to the bedroom where my rainbow lamp sits by my small desk but I’m still calling it “monitor.”

I don’t remember much in the way of dreams last night. Something about us vacationing somewhere. The place seemed rather large and fancy, wherever it was.

During the dream, a woman asked me to spell certain words and I did. I don’t remember what the words were but after I spelled them correctly she said, “Good. I hadn’t thought to test your spelling yet.”

She seemed to be some kind of teacher and we had worked on other subjects together, whatever they were.