Why is it that I’m either able to think of more than one title for an entry and have to decide which one to choose, or I just can’t think of a single title at all?

I never want to sing anymore, I never have crushes anymore, I never get horny anymore… I feel like so much of what made me the person I am is slipping away. I’m just grateful that I’m calm right now. Enjoying the freedom from the anxiety while it lasts.

And when will I die? I still wonder about this more than I should. Will I die of a heart attack or a stroke before he dies? Will I get cancer before he dies? Will we kill ourselves together because we’ll learn he’s terminally ill? Will I have to kill myself alone because he died unexpectedly?

Definitely getting more light-headed more often since stopping the Amberen and while I highly doubt it was responsible for my anxiety, I do want to hold off a bit longer and see if it will either go away on its own or I’ll get used to it. I do feel better after I’ve taken my multivitamin, vitamin D, and magnesium but I can’t do that until 4 hours after the Levothyroxine.

Another thing I’m trying to figure out that sucks is when the best time to go to the lab would be. The problem is that in order to get my schedule to line up with appointments, it’s off for labs. So I’m either going to have to go further in advance and hope the order is in that soon or cut it close. I think Tom’s probably right about Dr. A’s lab order being available after the 1st. Therefore, we should probably go earlier rather than cut it close and go on Saturday as that would be just two days before the appts. Would really be nice if the appts. were on a Wednesday! It wouldn’t matter with Dr. A so much if my results weren’t available when I saw her but it would be pretty pointless to go to Dr. O without any results. Why don’t these assholes send a notification not only reminding us to go to the lab but so we know exactly when the order is ready?

When Eileen, Kim from MA, and Sandra from TN, all fail to remember my birthday on Facebook as I’m pretty sure they will, I’m definitely going to delete them. I’ll make an exception for neighbors as Tom said he would, but I really don’t care to have deadbeat Facebookers on my friend list. I don’t know why I’m so picky about that but I am. If you’re not going to interact with me at least sometimes, then I don’t see the point in being connected there.

This may sound funny but I’m actually finding it rather therapeutic to write letters to those who have pissed me off that I know I’m never going to send. It’s different than writing about shit they’ve caused after the fact in my journal as opposed to speaking directly to them even if they’ll never see it.

But maybe Tammy and her brats can see some things. I’m still going back and forth in my mind between coming fully clean with these selfish liars on things. Things I’ve been kind enough to keep to myself for so long that I sometimes long to tell them. Well, once I see that my sister was full of shit about dying, I just may do that. I’ve held back, not wanting to hurt their feelings but since they haven’t shown a damn bit of regard for mine, why should I care about theirs? Again, biology is no ticket to being able to bullshit me and get away with it. Or the other shit they’ve done. You don’t get to do that no matter who you are without losing me and I’d say I’ve caught the bitch in enough lies. There’s no reasoning with these people either. They’re just so stupid and stubborn that there’s simply no getting through to them. These are the kinds of people that see only their side of things and that’s it. So yeah, I just might wait a while and basically play it by ear, so to speak, and go by how I feel day by day, and then share some things with them. I know they’re very fragile, emotional, vindictive and aggressive people but I don’t care. Maybe I should wait till we move, though, since Tammy may run to the piggies, but that didn’t stop her from finding me when we left Phoenix. Besides, I truly did threaten Bill both verbally and in print back then. This is totally different and without the slightest threat involved. I don’t want to kill them. I don’t want to beat them up. I don’t want bad things to befall them. I just want to vent and tell them how I really feel…even if they still won’t get it, believe it, or want to hear it.

The rats look so bad I’m amazed they’re still alive. Poor Simon is withering away and very weak and worn out. It’s a real struggle for him to get around. Dumbo drags his back leg like it doesn’t work anymore and I’m not sure why. He’s not exhibiting other signs of having had a stroke but I don’t know. They certainly can’t have much longer to go, though.

Was thinking about the question I was asked on Ask about what color my nails were at the moment which I was so sure was from Aly. I was surprised when she told me it wasn’t. If this is true, it makes me wonder if there’s someone else hanging around there that knows me. It just seems like the person who asked it knows I polish my nails regularly. Doesn’t seem like the type of question Andy would ask and Tatiana, who I haven’t heard from in ages, usually addresses me in German.

Speaking of that ugly language, it may be ugly, but it was a hell of a cool feeling to be able to translate for one of my Austrian friends (Elisabeth’s brother Siegfried) on Facebook the other day without having to look anything up. The effects of Nane still live on, LOL.

Earlier I was telling Tom that I really wish he hadn’t stuck pieces of velcro tape on the paneling above the front living room windows now that we know it won’t hold the big screen he wants to use with the projector since trying to remove them would damage the paneling. But then he went and got a blow dryer, and to my surprise, after he heated the adhesive, he was able to pull them off without damaging that fucking old-fashioned paneling I hate so much. I don’t care much about this house because we won’t be here forever but I still care somewhat and don’t want it to look shitty either.

I had a dream that he and I were living in a two-story house with a garage. I was upstairs in one of the bedrooms that I’d made into an office of sorts. It was nighttime and the house was dimly lit.

There was a pair of panties hanging in the middle of the room and I decided they looked funny there so I yank them down and threw them aside.

I then realized it had been almost an hour since Tom Skyped me about leaving and that he should be home to start our one-week vacation. I began to worry a bit, and for some reason, I thought I should make the house as quiet as possible. I don’t know what it was I thought I should hear. Maybe his car approaching? So I turned things off upstairs and then ran downstairs and started turning fans off and things like that. When I did, I could hear a DJ or talk show host talking on some radio that had been left on too soft to hear over the fans and other things that had been running.

I glanced out the front window and thought I saw the tail lights of a car. I hoped that was his car pulling into the garage.

A split second later he was home and I was relieved. Some woman was with us and they were both teasing me and trying to brainwash me into believing it was only Thursday and not Friday. Therefore there was still one more day before vacation.

Then I got a little angry and Tom began to mock me about that and how I reacted in a similar manner when we were out having dinner with Marty, Ruth and some other people. Ruth had asked me some question regarding kids and I said, “I have no idea” in a snotty tone of voice.

Defensively, I said that she had kept asking the same question over and over again and that’s why I’d gotten irritated.