Okay, Kim and Aly. I’m using Google Docs now so go ahead and annoy me with texts. I could turn off Aly but I can’t find a way to turn off Kim. I can disable the notification sound but I can’t stop the little banner showing the start of her texts from popping up and annoying the hell out of me.

Anyway, until they distract me, this is the second day in a row that I’m kind of tired and I wonder if that too, could be from stopping the Amberen but it’s more than likely because I didn’t sleep as well last night. All last night I had horrible upper stomach cramps coming and going in waves and I wonder if something was wrong with the banana I had. I also had it the day before. Had a banana that day too, so I dumped the rest.

It could also be that I’ve been eating way too many vegetables and all that fiber is getting to me. If that’s the case, how do vegans stand to be vegan? I just hope it’s not the magnesium and I really hope it’s not the Liothyronine. I think it’s likely a mild case of food poisoning and too much fiber. That’s okay because I just went and ordered everything I’m not supposed to eat, LOL. I realized it’s kind of ridiculous to kick out the cholesterol so far in advance of labs, anyway. Of course it would be healthier for me to do that regardless but we don’t always do what’s best for us in the first place, do we? I think that just a couple of weeks before labs should be plenty of time enough to lower my cholesterol levels.

Yesterday I had nausea and I wondered if I was going to end up puking and having the runs but I didn’t. Rolaids helps a little with heartburn but not with that. I remember this from when I had a really bad case of food poisoning and how worthless they were. But I had to try something. I found that when I finally had a couple of slices of bread that helped a bit more. Hopefully, it won’t get as bad as last night. I spent most of yesterday in bed so I didn’t get much done. Really hope tomorrow I have my energy back, too. Still get light-headed until I take my vitamins and magnesium.

Anyway, I don’t know if I hot flashed or if I was just too bundled up but I started to overheat in my sleep and my heart started to pound a bit so I got up at 7am, a few hours after crashing. I Skyped Tom while in the bathroom after I peed (I usually keep the phone on the bathroom counter) telling him that I really hoped I could get back to sleep otherwise my schedule would be screwed. He replied right away saying I would be fine, and then I downed a tiny sip of baby Benadryl. Just as I was knocking off without reinserting the earbud in my good ear, some loud car, probably the fucking Subaru, woke me up. So I shoved that back in my ear and slept till 2. Now I worry my schedule is pushing ahead too fast but as Tom reminded me, it will go back and forth until my appointments and I’ll be okay. 33 days to go as of midnight! Then hopefully I won’t have any more appointments until my March dental check-up.

I hadn’t even been up 9 minutes when I already heard 4-5 planes and that loud car. Really don’t like this car coming around more often again. I always worry they’re going to move back in. The last thing I want to do is go from hearing it 2-4 times a day to 6-8 times a day.

The planes are definitely the worst they’ve ever been since we’ve lived here. For a few hours, there were dozens of them. Just one after another and I’m like stop it already! Just stop. Now I only hear the freeway. I’m sure the planes will pick up again at some point. We can’t even go one fucking hour without hearing at least one or two. This worries me because if they can suddenly be flying this close, they can get even closer and to the point that the vibration can be felt in the house. No way I could sleep through that any more than I could the sonic booms in Maricopa. I was thinking of calling the airport and trying to find out what’s going on just out of curiosity.

Tried again to order the Jack Russell Terrier statue and again they canceled the order. For a minute I wondered if these people thought they had some kind of personal vendetta against me but obviously, they’re out of stock and the idiots don’t know how to take down the offer for the damn thing. It would have been nice if they had the decency to message me about it, too.

I showed Ask a screenshot of the annoying videos running on my profile that really slow me down when I use the laptop and they said they would forward it to their developer to check into. Were they not aware of these videos or something?

It’s been so cold here. Especially at night. I wish I could jump into the fish tank so I could be in a 77° space instead of a 72° space. It’s amazing how much 5° can really make a difference. I get cold easily and I’m definitely more comfortable in a room closer to 80° rather than 70°. I’m always bundled up and sipping hot drinks which really sucks. I hate long sleeves, too. I’m a sundress or tank top and shorts kind of person. Bare feet with bright nail polish and shiny toe rings are also preferable to socks and slippers.

Every now and then I will have a particularly unpleasant memory pop into mind at random. Last night it was jumping out the window at Valleyhead. Sometimes I imagine different possible outcomes. Imagine the guilt my mother would have felt if I’d tried again and succeeded while I was still there. Oh, she would have put plenty of the blame on me and the staff but I can’t believe she wouldn’t have felt some guilt. When life is at its roughest I sometimes wish I’d done just that not just to spare myself from so much grief in life but just so she could suffer the guilt. That fucking bitch felt guilty for all the wrong reasons. The only time I remember her really expressing any real guilt was over my ear, something out of her control. It may have been from her smoking since smoking does cause birth defects but I don’t know if they were as aware of that back in the 60s. It’s what she could have controlled that she should have felt guilty about. Really, if there is a heaven and a hell I hope she’s suffering in every way imaginable in hell. If there is such a thing as reincarnation, I hope she’s some poor Iranian girl getting the shit kicked out of her before she grows into a woman that is abused in all the usual ways a woman is abused and then some!

Sometimes I wish I could start over again and not be known by anyone in cyberspace. I would still want to know Aly and those I’m connected to on Facebook for the most part but I would love to automatically be a stranger to everyone on Prosebox because then I could share more freely and disallow comments. This way I wouldn’t have to deal with the kinds of comments that saying I sometimes wish I’d committed suicide would certainly generate. But I would feel guilty if I suddenly ghosted my friends there, and as a few people have taught me, you never know what valuable info you may be given. Otherwise, if it weren’t for that, I could just go private for a few years and give people time to forget me. Then I could return with a new name and not allow comments.

I think another reason I’m holding off on giving the drama queen and her brood a piece of my mind is that there is a tiny part of me left that hesitates to let go of what remaining family I have, even if biology is just biology. It’s not what truly makes someone “family.” It will be interesting to see if any of them remember my birthday but I have a feeling I already know the answer to that.