Last night ended up being a pretty shitty night. I have both anxiety and depression. I don’t know what to think anymore. I’m starting to doubt it’s the medication itself otherwise why would I have gone 10 days as I did from the 3rd to the 13th without anxiety? Now I’m thinking more in terms of my female hormones. And suicide in January after the holidays. I am seriously looking forward to life less and less. I feel like I have so much more negative than positive in so many ways. If it weren’t for Tom I would have killed myself ages ago but I know it will hurt him. But sometimes there comes a point when you have to think of yourself. I also know he would be able to move on. The question is whether or not I can get up the guts to actually follow through with it. It would be different if he was terminally ill but this isn’t a case of that. This is a case of me suffering and while that’s plenty bad enough and I definitely don’t want to get older to acquire more problems and also to have to deal with the same ongoing issues even longer, I still don’t know if I’m brave enough to end it all under these circumstances.

I looked up bipolar disorder and I don’t have any of the four different bipolar disorders. I research symptoms of several mental disorders and I just don’t have them. I still find it hard to believe that there isn’t a reason behind this. People just don’t up and acquire anxiety disorders this late in life for no reason, do they? Right at this moment, I’m leaning towards lady hormones and the sugar I had for a couple of days there. Never again will I get large candy bars! I just can’t eat like I used to. I really need to keep my sugar, sodium and cholesterol intake as low as I comfortably can.

If I could suddenly magically know that this will taper off in a year or so, I could tough it out and I could live with that. But I can’t know that. This could go on for several more years or it could be mine for life just like the extra weight and the farsightedness along with Hashimoto’s and other things. Like I said a while back, sometimes things change and they stay that way.

I’m also thinking once again of ghosting my main PB account because I feel the need to write for me and me only. This way I don’t have to filter as much and edit things. Yes, I would miss my regulars and seeing the usual people on my visitor list but I think at this point there would be more pros to writing privately as opposed to for others in addition. First of all, that so-called “valuable information” people have given me has apparently turned out to be worthless, and as I said, I like to write uncensored and without judgment. I’m not going to ghost those I’m closest to and connected to on Facebook. I’ll still keep in touch with them there. I thought about doing an entry with an explanation but then I said nah, let someone care enough to wonder what happened to me and try to get in touch with me for once rather than tell them what’s going on. Do I really owe anyone any explanations anyway?

There are actually a few things I could do. I could use my main account for writing prompts only so I can still remain in touch with my regulars, write privately there, but share things on my story account where I don’t allow for comments and only a few people, if anyone at all, should know who I am. Yeah, maybe I’ll do that. Why didn’t I think of that sooner!

Back to the shit going on with me. So I got anxious late in my day yesterday which morphed into frustration which morphed into depression. I felt better once Tom got up and I vented to him. Words can’t express how appreciative I am of him for encouraging me to continue to vent rather than hold it in. It’s just that when it gets me when I’m alone it’s easy to keep things bottled up. Besides, I always feel like I’m burdening him and bringing him down by crying on his shoulder so much so I admit I did try to choke it back a bit for a while there. So I would definitely do things differently if I were starting over. I’d also have just 2 email addies. One for signing up for things and the other for friends or for signing up for things like the patient portal.

I got up today and was worried I would be in for a shitty day since these spells are rarely brief, but surprisingly enough, after I got up and got going, I felt much better. So maybe the Liothyronine will if not make me a hundred percent perfect, it will make me less anxious less often. Tom still believes it will go away one day but not just like that. It won’t turn itself off like a switch but gradually taper off. But unless my body is doing something in particular that’s causing the meds to make me this way, I’m now starting to doubt the meds. Don’t get me wrong. Jumping to 88 micrograms would definitely cause severe anxiety attacks. But that included a booming racing heart. This is different. It’s a different kind of horrible and when I’m going through this nightmare I’m finding that I want to just beat my head in the wall and I literally have to exercise self-restraint to keep myself from doing something stupid. I don’t want to hurt myself. If I’m going to do anything to myself I want to kill myself as quickly and as painlessly as possible. Not fuck myself up and give myself more problems and suffering.

These words are a little too intense to share publicly from my bogus account so I’ll keep this strictly private. Well, as private as the Internet can possibly be. The site owners may be reading private stuff but so be it. I just really like the idea of dropping most of what I write on the public in a way that they can see it but not say anything about it. I’m tired of the “advice” and feeling like I have to stifle certain topics that are more controversial simply because others may disagree with me.

Anyway, Tom and I are going to be going out to the drugstore later. He’s getting some sleep first. He crashed after I showered and started the laundry.